I have an older neighbor by the name of Ms. Dorothy who lives on the bottom floor of my condo unit. She's 92, and I talk to her on and off whenever I'm home during the day. She's really sweet. Sadly about a week ago she suffered a minor stroke and is currently in rehab. I know her children to a certain extent and am watching her apartment for them until Ms. Dorothy recovers, since I live right there. I got to talking to her son-in-law Lee this weekend when he came to pick up her mail, and almost the first thing he said about her was that she's really worried about being a burden to her kids, because her body is getting old and not working as well as it used to. I've heard her mention this before, and you know, it struck me as kind of sad that she feels that way so strongly.

Its not that I don't understand why she might. After all, as an adult with children, she's been supporting herself and them for the majority of her life, and the idea of losing that independence probably really bothers her. It sure bothered my grandfather. I guess when you are a parent, its really hard to switch out of provider mode. Its part of what makes you a parent after all. I also understand that a lot of older people feel like they don't want to "hold their kids back" by "inconveniencing" them or placing a financial burden on them. For my generation, by the time our parents start to need some extra help we're having kids of our own to take care of, and our parents probably sympathize with how hard that can be. But now that my own parents are getting older, and most of my grandparents have passed on, I really think that by keeping us at a distance from their "weakness" and needs, older people are doing us a disservice.

Think about it. For most of us, growing up was a time where we were pretty self-centered. We had to be, since we were still figuring out who that self was. Once we graduated into the working world and started our careers, we tended to be self-centered because laying the foundations for standing on our own takes a lot of time and effort. If we got married, about the time we felt comfortable with our living patterns, most of us started having kids. And young kids take a lot of our time. Then comes the teenage years, the mid-life crisis, the college fund, and the weddings. Really, if older people try to keep us out of their lives for our "own good", what reason would we ever have to think outside of ourselves? What chance would we have to give back to those who've invested so much in us? And what opportunity would we have to interact with them and benefit from their own life experiences? Its a real tragedy to allow ourselves to push away our older folk, or let them do the same "for our own good", it really is.

I've lived my own life up 'till this point with the view that it is an honor to reach old age. So many people never get that opportunity. In my family, thankfully I've had plenty of examples of the value older people have, and what riches they can bring to the lives of others just by being "old". After all, God willing I myself will be old one day, I benefit no one if I deny that or the changes in my body and mind it will bring. I can't forget that no matter how "independent" I get I still need and depend on other people. I can't forget that the whole point of becoming "independent" is so that I have something to give other people. I can't forget that this life is hard, and my strength alone won't help me live it. Humanity itself is a social organism, and if you take away an aspect of that society the whole being suffers for its loss.

At the same time that I write this, my aunt is struggling to take care of her own mother who suffers from dementia and probably Alzheimer's. Her mom is very messed up, very angry and unfortunately abusive. Its probably easier for me to see some of the good things that have come out of my aunt's faithful care of her mom than it is for her, because I'm 3000 miles away and don't deal with it every day. But even her mom's life is adding value to my aunt's and through her, to mine. Without her mom having trouble like this, my mum and I would never of talked about what we would do if something like this happens to her. We still talk about it, because there are no easy answers. But the one answer we have come up with is to promise each other that Mum is not to feel bad about needing me should the case arise. We will work through it together. I haven't had the same convo with my dad and step-mom yet, but its probably coming. And sooner or later I'm going to have to talk to my brothers about it too. But at least I know that getting old is not something we should be afraid of, for ourselves or for our parents. Just like they walked through our childhood with us, we get to walk through old age with them. And we'll all be stronger for it, because we won't be alone.