There's a lot to be said for tracking someone down and just listening to them. OK, sure, I buy that for about 10% of the time. But there's another side to it too, gang, something that I've had to learn and make myself practice until it became habit: If I know that there's someone who's willing to listen to me, I don't have to wait for them to come to me to get something out. It makes me want to call/visit/IM them. Like my mom. I've got something on my mind, I call her, not wait for her to call me to catch up on my life or whatever. If I put the responsibility on her to make me talk, all I'm going to do is wear her out and frustrate myself. People, that should be the exception, not the rule.

Its the same way with God. What's the good of it if I just sit there waiting for Him to break into my life and get me to talk to Him?! He's not going to do that. He knows I'm a being capable of personal relationship and personal choice. He's not going to force Himself on me. That's not the way to build up a relationship that brings balance, life and joy. And if its true with Him, how much more is it true with us who are weak, frail, distracted, busy, and all of that? There are things you can't ask someone to do all the time without breaking them.

So I'm sorry, guys. I've tried it your way, many times, and all that's happened is I've burned myself out badly. The only time I'm going to break in and "make you talk" is if I have a clear suspicion that you are putting a mask up to not deal with your problems. Figuring that out is going to take longer now that I don't live around most of you anymore. I love you, and I'm always here if you need me, but I can't watch you over your shoulder all the time. I do "listen" to what you tell me and how you tell me it all the time, but if you want a nice, long, involved discussion you'll have to tell me so I can clear an evening and make tea. College life is over, things just aren't as spontaneous and close-contact as they were then. I'm not saying that as an excuse, but as a recognition of change. Even with Jessie and Karin, I have to plan time together just for the purpose of talking now. Its a lot harder to do, because we have our own lives, so I'm lucky if I get to really talk with them about once every 3 months. Yeah, and that's me living close to Jessie and seeing her at church on Sundays.

I might as well warn everyone as well, right now I'm not going to be going on any "break down the walls" quests for at least a month. I need to study. And that's all I'm going to be doing for a while. If you want me you'll have to come get me, my world is going to consist of books and the occasional video game and I won't be able to watch over anybody except those quite forcefully under my nose. And even them, not very well.

I guess my real question, for the two of you I know about, is do you really believe that I won't listen to you if you wanted me to? Do you really think that I don't care that much? What kind of person or friend do you think I am? I can't prove my friendship by chasing after you right now. I don't think that's what you need. My door is open and my phone is on, the only way I can serve you right now is if you come to me, where I can drop everything for a little while and then pick it back up without screwing it up too much. I'm not too busy for you, but I'm too swamped to chase you. Does that make sense?

It just occured to me that I need to say something that might be really misunderstood. Um, here's the deal, guys. God has given me a job to do, a task to be faithful at. At this level, I'm not even talking "calling" or anything like that, just day to day. When I was younger, my "job" had a lot to do with reaching out to people and friends...now it doesn't. What He's given me to do now takes priority. Over everything. I am still the same as I've always been: I'm loyal to a fault and I care way too much to see clearly sometimes. But where once I could spend most of my energy on serving my friends, I can't now. I'm not allowed. Before I carried a lot of people on my shoulders. Now, I have to walk with you, we have to follow Christ together on our own strength. So I can't do as I used to, drag you off to a corner every time I saw you and say "ok, what's really going on". The times that God asks me to do that with someone are really rare now. I have to let you learn to live your own lives, and be a steady encouragement from the outside by being available when you need me and performing my responsiblities faithfully, so you have a friend with the kind of character you can count on. I can't watch out for you all like I did once...I may not be able to do that again until I retire or am too old to pull off the crazy stuff I do. I've even had to change how I pray for you a bit, doing it the old way just breaks me down. I still care. I still love you, and I am more committed to you than many of you know. But it won't be the same on the outside, because there's something more important now than being everyone's support. If I give in, if I quit and go back, I'm going to do you more damage than I even want to think about. I know that. I have to go forward. For Him, and for you, and for me. That's what it really is. Probably makes no sense...wish I could explain better. I don't make much sense at times. But that's what it is.