Reading Dan's latest post has me thinking even more than I was already today. Sometimes I wish he'd just share that stuff out loud in conversation, because I know he's a deep thinker and I respect people like that. But then again that might be just one more way that he keeps himself "aloof", like he was saying. I do it too, though in a different way. My way to keep people distant is to always be giving them something, usually something that they need, but not to receive from them in like kind.

Dan reminds me of Solomon right now, and a bit of my friend Joel. Joel is all head, you know, he's got the clearest most cynical view of reality that sometimes I wonder why he's still here at all. All three of them sound like they've got a pretty good view of the meaningless part of life. I mean, you need all the good stuff like love and joy and peace and knowing yourself, but then there's no way to get those things without getting trampled and maimed and horribly hurt in the process. And even once you have those things its not like you can't lose them...which makes you wonder if its worth it in the first place.

I've been thinking all day that I don't really "get" reality. All my hobbies are things that make me believe that there's stuff worth laughing at and enjoying in life, but they can also make me forget all the crap that comes with it. Sometimes that's ok, but for me right now, I want to see what parts of my Christianity will hold up under the weight of living. I don't mean like if some guy were to bust into my work and hold a gun to my head would I deny Christ. I believe in Him, I will 'till I die. I mean will He stand through all the crap that comes at me everyday, through the people I know and through myself. I've been listening to Jewel at work today and the thing that gets me is the clarity with which she sees life, how it works and who people are. She's hard for me to listen to because she doesn't encourage me. If her view of people is right, if the great thinkers of the past are right, life really sucks even more than I've experienced myself.

And I know God knows that life here sucks, because I read in His Word all about women being raped and tortured, children orphaned and abused, men doing great things only to turn around and kill themselves and their best friends. I read about liars and thieves, murderers, hypocrites, and prostitutes...some of them are people most of us think of as heroes...I read about the average joe who doesn't understand why his wife left him, about the father so desperate to get drunk that he doesn't even know his daughters slept with him. I know He sees it. I want to know if He sees anything else. Sure I believe He does. Sure I believe there's hope for people, for a love that doesn't hurt you or leave you or turn on you. But I want to see it in action. I want to see it in the middle of the brokenness of my reality and the realities of the people around me.
And if I do, I'm going to go ahead and love people and get hurt and make mistakes and all that other stuff because I'll know that there's something out there working to heal all that, and it will be right in the end.