ARRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!

Ahhhh, much better. No folks, I'm not going crazy (yet), its just been a week where all my projects keep hitting detours, making progress something of a slow-go. I find it interesting that I feel like a sail stretched to the max against the wind, without any discernable forward motion...I would like to think I'll get a break at some point, but that's not my main concern. Right now I can freely admit my life has me by the scruff of my neck. Its in sore need of balance, but I think the cost of getting that may be more than I want to pay right now. I'm running smack into the truth that your work or your ministry can totally absorb your life. The only solution is to lay down boundaries that those things cannot cross over. However, how do you hold to a line when your life keeps shifting and moving? I don't possess the experience to plan for such a complex pattern ahead of time. And does anyone else feel like its shutting yourself in to have to isolate yourself from the people in your life just to have some quiet? I hate that feeling, it makes me feel like I'm slamming the door in someone's face. I've never liked shutting myself in my room. Even when I was a kid, I felt way too constrained and isolated when I did that to keep people out. I'd much rather just be in a location by myself when there's so many things going on around me than do that, I think because I can't completely shut off my awareness of what's around me at any time. (Gotta love that ADD, ha!)

I guess what it comes down to is I'd much rather prefer to just simply be not around than to be around and have to spend energy when I'm already tired to tell people to leave me alone. Its...kinda sad that in today's world we have to ignore so much just to think. Or visit, or laugh, or whatever. No wonder Jesus disappeared so much when He needed to pray or rest or just be with his close friends...too much access really is a bad thing, even if you love all of the people you're serving or the work you're doing. Argh... Course, its makes me wonder if not being willing to set boundaries for myself in work and ministry is the result of both lack of faithfulness when serving and lack of faith that the Lord will handle things whether I'm there or not. And its not like the people around me won't respect my wishes...its just, well, when I'm tired, there are times I need people and times I don't. I need both for balance, but since I can't predict which its going to be ahead of time, setting a simple rule just seems too naive. And thus, double argh...

I have a gut feeling this isn't really making sense to many of you. Hey, that's ok. And those of you who are getting a clue don't do anything drastic to try and fix this for me! This is my problem, my learning experience. I need to figure this out for myself, because I don't think this is going to be the only time in life I hit this wall. That's just the way it is. Groovy? Alright!

Well, I've got a full day of aikido tomorrow and I have to buy pantyhose for it, so I'll leave off. Happy Friday everyone, may your weekend have some warm sunny weather in it no matter where you are! Later!

~A