I'm discovering something I don't really like...I'm not as good of a leader as I thought I was. I have a horrible knack for ignoring/not seeing the needs of others around me unless they come up and smack me in the face with them. I don't really have a clue about what I'm doing, when I'm honest about it, and in the end I get up on my soapbox a little too often to do anyone any good. The long and short of it is that I've got a pride problem, and man does it suck! This whole month so far has been a lesson in how short of true Christian leadership I fall.
So what am I going to do with this revelation? Like the rest of humanity, being reminded of my own frailties is one of my least favorite activities of God. Boy would it be nice if I could throw myself a pity party and get away with it! Think about it...instead of losing face by admitting that yeah I'm not perfect, it wouldn't be my fault anymore. Really, its the people who wanted me to do this, they should of been spiritually enlightened enough to see my gifts don't match up. Or maybe its just that I'm misunderstood. Obviously I'm too spiritual for the people around me to handle, right? If I whine enough, someone will finally clue in that hey this is a hard job! and I'm to be commended for even trying. (Wow, this is sounding better all the time! Where'd I put that confetti...)
Unfortunately as soon as I start to boogie down to the "Martyr Blues", God decides to crash my little hoopla with disturbing regularity. Now I KNOW I did not invite the Big Guy to join me, for one thing He doesn't fit into my cardboard-box-sized-mentality and do you know how hard boxes are to fix once they get busted? Then He brings that stupid mirror with Him, you know, the one described in James 1:22-25 that shows us what we are really like. I seriously do NOT like looking at that thing, it is rather demoralizing. And honestly, when I see who I really am, what hope have I got that I will ever get this leader thing right? I can't even do my homework on time.
But I'm also learning that the God who wants us to see the way we really are is the same God who promises that "...neither height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:39) God knows I'm a wreck, I'm the only one who's surprised by the idea. No matter how much more ugliness I discover about myself it doesn't change the fact that He loves me more than anything, and He believes in my worth as a human being. If I'm in the position to be a leader in something, its because He put me there, and He's not frustrated by my failures. My grandpa has a saying stuck to his computer at home, "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called." If that's the case, what's to be scared of? It may hurt to see myself the way I really am, but the more I see God's love for me the more I become the kind of person I want to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment