Stopping To Catch Your Breath

I was originally hoping that this blog would be a sort of anchor for my thinking and a place for family to catch up on what I'm doing, but looking at the rate I've been writing I can only say that I must be more caught up in the speed of my life than I thought I was. If I were a married young mom, I'd understand it...having little kids leaves little time for inner reflection. But as a single person I have to admit I haven't been taking as much advantage of the amount of control I have over my daily living as I want to. How many life lessons have I missed out on simply because I've let things carry me at their own pace? How much of God's voice have I not heard just because I let the world get too loud? While there are times when its inevitable to get caught up in what's going on, I really don't believe that its wise to stay there.

So today I'm taking the opportunity to sit down and think some about all that's happened so far this year. Since Christmas I've had the joy to see my younger brother get married and attend my first real "family" get-together at their home over Easter. I've welcomed a new co-worker from China into the Jeffery Lab and lost a dear friend to sudden heart failure. I've seen my friends Adrian and Jessie welcome their third child into the world and move into a new (huge!) house. I've had friends at church get engaged and seen some lose their jobs. I've met new friends during Underground outings, seen our fledgling worship team grow in stability, started a new research project for the boss, sent off one worship pastor and welcomed a new one to Cornerstone. I've watched three undergrad students graduate, tried to start my new porch garden and joined a new softball team. There is so much I have to be thankful for, both good and sad, that I can't believe its only May. (You can see a lot of what I've been up to in the albums I've added to the blog.)

I turn 30 this June. In and of itself that's an interesting thing to think about. I always get reflective when I hit the 5's and 10's, that's probably normal. While there's a lot of things I think I could of done better, in the end I think I'm satisfied that I've made it to this age as the person I am. God has done a lot of work in me over the years, but I know He's nowhere near done yet. And as long as that is true, I can't stay satisfied with staying the person that I am at 30. So then, the question is, who do I want to be now? Where do I want to go from here? While God gives the growth, we are responsible working on the development, the self-control, the investment of time into ourselves and others. In light of the person I want to be 30 years from now, how do I walk today?

I have hopes, of course. Someday I would like to be married and starting a family of my own. I'd like to make an income that covers all the bills with a bit left over for saving and for play. It'd be great to have a house I'd like to live in for years, with a black Labrador for company and enough space for a veggie garden, a study/library, and a craft room. It'd be great to serve at the same church for at least a decade or more. And in my career I'd like to become the kind of technician that can enhance anyone's research, a specialist in doing science well and in running a lab to succeed. The funny thing is, I think I've been learning that all of those things are things that God has to give me. I can't really make any of them happen on my own. I can prepare for them, invest in the internal infrastructure my soul needs to live fruitfully during them, study to increase my toolbox for them but I can't make them happen. Its kind of like my garden. I can plant the seeds, enhance the soil, and water them everyday, but unless God says "grow", I won't get any tomatoes for my salad.

While I can't make my hopes reality, I can make the person I wish to be a reality. God may have to guide the how (because I'm really clueless about that) and He certainly will guide the events of when, but the choices I make each day are the foundation of who I will be tomorrow. They'll either be a platform I can build on or a weight pulling me down. So if I want to be a woman of wisdom, relatively good health, and joyful humor in 30 years then today I should choose to spend time with God, do a little exercise, and give something in service to somebody that makes them smile. I'll choose to challenge myself a little at work rather than sitting on my current expertise. I'll choose to not freak out over my income but work on honoring God with my money. I won't go headhunting for a guy just because I'm 30 and still single. If I faithfully do my work today, God won't leave me hanging. He's not that kind of God, after all.

First, a shout-out to Pastor David for actually wanting to track down my blog to look at a possible rival for the Masquerade. He's just awesome like that, so I'll make it easier and give the link he'll need here. And Donatello rocks!! ^_^

Second, a shout-out to Cornerstone for hosting the first ever sermon I've heard on spiritual warfare that didn't diminish it down to just the struggle with our human nature. And it didn't go overboard either with wild descriptions of battles with demons or spiritual fervor and whatnot. I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to hear something balanced like that from the pulpit and not just from the personal experience of mature believers. People, the church needs to proclaim the reality that when it comes to the spiritual world, we are neither to fear it or freak over it. It is as real as the seat you place your rear on, just not in the same way. And it is connected to our physical world in ways we don't understand or expect, which is totally fine! After all, humans are also spiritual/physical beings, that's what uniquely qualifies us for being God's image in this physical world. So the spiritual side of things must also be there and our actions in this physical world affect it, just as Paul says in Ephesians 6 when he points out that we don't fight against flesh and blood but against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. By the same token, the spiritual world can affect us more than we give it credit for, like in Daniel's experience with the angel Gabriel who told him the answer to his prayers was delayed because of a battle in the spiritual realm. The key is to learn to recognize when something in your life is under attack, and then know what your resources are in fighting it.

I wish I could like the sermon here for your listening pleasure, but for right now there are no Cornerstone sermons online, so you'll have to make do with my faulty memory. The four things that the speaker pointed out as our resources were 1) the power of the name of Jesus, and there really is power there. We don't really understand this too well here in America, or at least I don't. Its something for me to chew on, but I can't deny that its there. 2) the Word of Truth, the Bible. How do we know what God thinks of us, what He wants us to do, and what He's promised? Why, He told us, didn't He? And He did it in a way that we can actually physically hold the words in our hands. How's that for a spiritual/physical link! 3) the blood of the Cross, the blood that was shed and saves us, restores us, heals us, and covers us just like the Passover tradition. Now this I understand much better, because thanks to the blood I am in a different relationship with God than I was before He saved me, and I have different privileges, standings, everything. 4) the presence of the Holy Spirit. The seven sons of Sceva are a great example of the need for this. They had the other 3 down right: they knew there was power in the name of Jesus, they knew the Scriptures of their day, and they understood that the blood of Christ changed something, but they didn't know God personally! They didn't have His Spirit living inside of them, connecting them to the Living Vine. So of course they got their butts kicked and humiliated by the very man they were trying to "save". Its the same with us. Without the Spirit breathing God's life into us, we've got only knowledge, and it doesn't matter how much a corpse knows because in the end it still is a corpse.

I really wish I could share the sermon with you guys. There was a lot to chew on, and I think it was presented in the right way because it made me think more about Kingdom building, even if I felt weird at parts. I'm a good American myself, there's plenty of materialism in me such that thinking about the spiritual world kind of makes me uncomfortable. But uncomfortable or not, if its Biblical, then I need to adjust my thinking.

I have an older neighbor by the name of Ms. Dorothy who lives on the bottom floor of my condo unit. She's 92, and I talk to her on and off whenever I'm home during the day. She's really sweet. Sadly about a week ago she suffered a minor stroke and is currently in rehab. I know her children to a certain extent and am watching her apartment for them until Ms. Dorothy recovers, since I live right there. I got to talking to her son-in-law Lee this weekend when he came to pick up her mail, and almost the first thing he said about her was that she's really worried about being a burden to her kids, because her body is getting old and not working as well as it used to. I've heard her mention this before, and you know, it struck me as kind of sad that she feels that way so strongly.

Its not that I don't understand why she might. After all, as an adult with children, she's been supporting herself and them for the majority of her life, and the idea of losing that independence probably really bothers her. It sure bothered my grandfather. I guess when you are a parent, its really hard to switch out of provider mode. Its part of what makes you a parent after all. I also understand that a lot of older people feel like they don't want to "hold their kids back" by "inconveniencing" them or placing a financial burden on them. For my generation, by the time our parents start to need some extra help we're having kids of our own to take care of, and our parents probably sympathize with how hard that can be. But now that my own parents are getting older, and most of my grandparents have passed on, I really think that by keeping us at a distance from their "weakness" and needs, older people are doing us a disservice.

Think about it. For most of us, growing up was a time where we were pretty self-centered. We had to be, since we were still figuring out who that self was. Once we graduated into the working world and started our careers, we tended to be self-centered because laying the foundations for standing on our own takes a lot of time and effort. If we got married, about the time we felt comfortable with our living patterns, most of us started having kids. And young kids take a lot of our time. Then comes the teenage years, the mid-life crisis, the college fund, and the weddings. Really, if older people try to keep us out of their lives for our "own good", what reason would we ever have to think outside of ourselves? What chance would we have to give back to those who've invested so much in us? And what opportunity would we have to interact with them and benefit from their own life experiences? Its a real tragedy to allow ourselves to push away our older folk, or let them do the same "for our own good", it really is.

I've lived my own life up 'till this point with the view that it is an honor to reach old age. So many people never get that opportunity. In my family, thankfully I've had plenty of examples of the value older people have, and what riches they can bring to the lives of others just by being "old". After all, God willing I myself will be old one day, I benefit no one if I deny that or the changes in my body and mind it will bring. I can't forget that no matter how "independent" I get I still need and depend on other people. I can't forget that the whole point of becoming "independent" is so that I have something to give other people. I can't forget that this life is hard, and my strength alone won't help me live it. Humanity itself is a social organism, and if you take away an aspect of that society the whole being suffers for its loss.

At the same time that I write this, my aunt is struggling to take care of her own mother who suffers from dementia and probably Alzheimer's. Her mom is very messed up, very angry and unfortunately abusive. Its probably easier for me to see some of the good things that have come out of my aunt's faithful care of her mom than it is for her, because I'm 3000 miles away and don't deal with it every day. But even her mom's life is adding value to my aunt's and through her, to mine. Without her mom having trouble like this, my mum and I would never of talked about what we would do if something like this happens to her. We still talk about it, because there are no easy answers. But the one answer we have come up with is to promise each other that Mum is not to feel bad about needing me should the case arise. We will work through it together. I haven't had the same convo with my dad and step-mom yet, but its probably coming. And sooner or later I'm going to have to talk to my brothers about it too. But at least I know that getting old is not something we should be afraid of, for ourselves or for our parents. Just like they walked through our childhood with us, we get to walk through old age with them. And we'll all be stronger for it, because we won't be alone.

So the last two weeks haven't been very easy for me, not necessarily because work in and of itself has been hard, but because of some lessons I am having to learn. And as usual, the medium is my job. Supposing you found out in a rather round-about way that things in your boss's life have changed in the past year or so. And while in general you believe that your boss's life is his own personal business, having an idea that these changes were going on would explain a lot about why his work patterns have changed and as a result, yours as well. Additionally if those changes plugged into places where you yourself have problems trusting or talking to people in general, all of a sudden you'd feel not just uninformed or taken by surprise, but also unable to communicate well.

I'm learning to think that whether its fair or not, you have to be wise and gentle in the way you work with people, especially if they aren't Christians and don't share my worldview in some capacity. You need to protect your own boundaries, but not tear down or obstruct their efforts. But I'm not used to thinking too much about how my boss's personal life would affect my job and maybe even if I continue to have one. To me, a boss is a consistent entity, not someone who's whims I just have to deal with to the best of my ability or get fired. I've worked as a receptionist for long enough that I've even seen bosses come and go, but I've never thought that my tenure or security was dependent upon their personal stability. Of course, that kind of job is not quite the same as being a personal assistant in a small business. So much more of your life affects your work when your company is not big enough to hold the framework of positions for itself. But its a kind of vulnerability I really don't like. And I hate having the concept snuck up on me like this. For a whole weekend I was really freaking out about how I don't have enough in my savings yet to cover me for a bit if I lose my job. My budget is that close-fitting most of the time.

Probably as a direct result, I'm much more angry than I give myself credit for, and mostly with my boss. This whole thing is like having the rug yanked out from under my feet in some respects. And right now he's out of the country, not coming back until the first day of school, so there are a ton of things that I can't be proactive about. When he gets here, I'll be reacting like crazy, and I also really hate doing that. Unfortunately, I can't figure out if this whole mess is something I can really talk to him about, because the wise moves really seem to be more my responsibility than his. He's also not a Christian, so there's no discussion between equals on spiritual matters that might relate to this. There is probably something I could say about the lack of information coming down the pike, but the question there is how and when to say that. Depending on how he's handling things right now, something he normally wouldn't react to could totally set him off.

In the middle of all of this, I need to get on with my job. September - mid-November is a busy time of year at a University like it or not. And now that the microscope is fixed, I can't go on vacation until my tastebud counts are done. (Boy do I need one!!) I'm probably going to be a serious crab for a while, I just hope it won't mess things up too much.

Urgh.

My life is swiftly becoming akin to a soap opera, fraught with reoccurring angst, never-ending cycles of crises, inner turmoils and frustrations, bad acting, and over-dramatized "happy moments". Just when we got the pump working again, it grinds down 2 days later leaving us waterless and groady. The best anyone can discern, the problem was just alignment, and a simple replacement of the key between motor and pump should solve the problem. Enter the USPS. Those keys were mailed out a week and a half ago, but we've seen nothing of them. Consequently last Tuesday all of Al's special experimental fish that he's raising for his doctoral research started dying and by last Friday I think only 1 remained. When the parts still hadn't showed by Thursday, we told them to overnight a new pump and key to us ASAP (which the company did) so we could try one last time to make it work.

Friday was interesting. My coworkers and I went over this whole purification system inch by inch and basically rebuilt the thing from the ground up. If "alignment" was the problem, it wasn't going to be this time. We turning things on and it ran great for 10 hours, when it was shut off by the control program. But just one day of success doesn't mean a victory, as my lab now knows all too well. Every day this weekend I had someone from the lab calling me to tell me if the system was still working or not. And until an hour ago, it was performing just like it was supposed to. But then....

So now nobody knows what to do. We'll probably have someone from the company come out here and work on it, though they are as confused as we are. Of course we're all worried that even if they do come out and fix it the same pattern will repeat and we'll be stuck 3 days later. Its amazing how much stress you can aquire when the mechanical systems you rely on no longer work for no good reason (even age!). Its a helpless feeling I'm really coming to despise, even if I can't help it.

In other news, I pulled a muscle in my back yesterday somehow, and even though I've made it into work it's taken all day to do it. The good news is I'm not in unbearable pain here. The bad news is that I'm going to be very very sore and stiff for at least 10 more days according to the nurse practitioner. My fellow technician Laura isn't doing so well either at the moment (she seems to be suffering from some sort of flu or something) so we're rather shorthanded doing the fish chores.

The car is fixed, for which I'm very grateful. But after all that I blew out a back tire two Mondays ago on the way to work, which made things interesting since I've never had a flat before. (For my first, it was rather glorious. I should of taken a picture.) I have been fairly successful at sticking with my experiments every week regardless of all that's going on, but in order to do it I've not been to class for 3 weeks now. Very bad. I'm now so behind I'm not sure its possible to catch up. If I were taking this class for credit in grad school, I would of dropped it way before now. That's not real encouraging to me, since its possible that I might need to work full-time and go to school as well.

Ah, I guess that's a good lead into some SOC (stands for "stream of consciousness", writing where you just say what comes to mind without concern for logical progress or structure). Grad School. I'm not giving up on it, no way in Hell. ('scuse the french.) So this semester I've been trying to push myself towards actually applying and whatnot to make it happen. My reasoning has basically been that getting accepted can take a year before you actually start, that since a doctorate takes several years its better to start sooner, and that if Jer and I do stay together the next few years we'll probably get married which means the possiblity of kids. And I don't want to worry about school and kids at the same time, I watched my mom do that and I don't think I could handle it like she had to. (Of course she didn't have any help from anyone else the whole time, so that will probably be different for me, but I still worry about it just the same.)

The interesting thing is that despite what's been going on at work for the past couple of months, I've been getting more research responsibilities and more time to work with my boss than anyone with just a BS could expect. There are so many opportunities and projects that have been given to me that the majority of my time is taken up with them. Because of that, I can see the gap between myself and my labmates clearer than ever, both in knowledge and experience. But that gap is something that the pursuit of a degree won't necessarily close. As it is right now I have access to any class I might need without paying for it because my work with Bill is opening contacts in the department. The practical experience I need I can gain by spending as much time working with and observing Bill as possible. When it comes right down to it, the one thing my heart wants to do right now is become the best I can be at my current job, especially because its taking everything I have right now to keep up with the chances I have. Maybe that's just because it's Bill's lab...in his lab, anyone can publish original research whether they have a grad degree or no. Its all about the quality of the work.

I used to think that the best way for me to get better at science was to take more classes. That was before I started working here and realizing how much good science is something that can't really be taught in a class. Right now I'm in a place where I can learn all the "good science" I can stand. Suddenly a Doctoral degree in Biology is more like a professional license for an engineer...you need it to give you a base to stand as an independent businessman in the field, but you don't need it to be an engineer. I'll need it eventually, but not because it is the path to becoming a scientist.

So right now, I'm not going to push it. Pushing something like that just because of "what could be" is actually kind of irresponsible, if it means disregarding what God has currently placed in your hands. If He chooses to give you something, and then takes it away Himself, that's fine. But I want to be very careful not to throw away something that I'm not supposed to let go of. I'll probably poke around at GRE material over Christmas, and I'll probably keep asking questions and stuff about the program and how to make it work and how I'll pay for it. But I think I'm going to stop telling myself it HAS to be next year or else.

Matt, in answer to your question I am beginning to believe that the public (and I) know very little about the actual science of evolution, and that the professionals quite possibly know very little about the philosophy of evolution. Consequently when the public makes a fuss about what's taught in schools, scientists generally wonder what the big deal is about, especially when religion gets throw in since more scientists think the theory of evolution really doesn't deal with that at all. In my opinion, everyone has a lot more to learn and a lot more to think than they currently are willing to do.

^_^

Ok, so to add specifics to what I was talking about before, I am:

1) sitting in on a class my boss is teaching this semester in Developmental Biology. Even though I'm not taking this for credit and its not really grad school, I need to know this material and I need to know if I can handle taking classes while working fulltime. So I'm participating as if I were getting a grade that counted. And that, my friends, is a lot of study time.

2) making experiments a priority at work. As a result of this plan of action and #1, Bill has given me kind of an area of research to call my own, similar to what our grad students are supposed to do, but more working in conjunction with him. I still am his assistant, and I still act as his hands for a lot of things but now he wants me to try a little more independant thinking and input. This is really cool because it IS the next logical step in my growth, and kind of intimidating because I still know nothing really. Another reason why my classwork has taken on a sudden central importance.

3) narrowing down other activities in my life. I have dropped out of Youth Group work, and now really only work with those kids that God has brought to my door, rather than going out of my way to find others. Even with them I'm not as available to talk and hang out as I used to be. I have chosen Aikido as my only other activity, and that's because I need physical stamina to pull this stuff off. Weekends are now dominated by studying and housework even when Jeremy's visiting, which is a new thing to learn. And as for things like anime, video gaming, and reading, they're slowly but surely starting to take a back seat as I work on turning more of my time into study time and not vegging. My social time is also taking more of a back seat for now as well. Basically, if its not a planned activity, I'm not doing it. Probably.

4) working on my health. I've got my glasses fixed and my ADD meds working, now I'm getting tested for anemia and hopefully getting that straightened out will give me more energy. Unfortunately, better health for me means a 10pm bedtime (among other things) so if I don't get to it before then, be it work or fun, too bad for me.

Add all that in with the amount of growth and energy it takes to maintain a good dating relationship and I'm maxxed out, but I needed Mom's 2x4 to even get to the point of admitting that, and being willing to give up all the other things I've really wanted to do. I've gone out on a limb at work and given my boss a copy of my box schedule that I use to manage my time, so now I've got a lot of pressure to keep to it because that's what he's counting on me doing. All of a sudden the consequences of just sliding by in my commitments are effecting me in much quicker and more visible ways, with more people able to see it. I can't just hide behind "business" anymore. I'm having to meet my commitments with more consistancy and quality than I've ever had to do before, and this from a person who already makes them a priority.

Which is why I've been thinking about it alot lately.

Every once in a while I hear rumor of some people wondering if I get truth laid on me as heavy as I hand it out. Well, lest there be any doubt about it, yes. Actually I get it laid on me a lot harder than I give it out most of the time, because it often comes from the person who knows me the best and who I consider my mentor in a lot of ways, my mom. Mum is great, she's got a way of cutting right to the heart of things that I often choose to waffle around in and she doesn't see any reason to cut me any slack when she knows I know better. Everybody should have someone like that in their life.

The most recent 2x4 she handed me was a reminder of the cost of things you commit to. This is an idea I know fairly well, but hate to apply because at heart I'm a lazy little bum that would like commitments to be easy. Sometimes they are. Most of the time, they're not. Maybe for that reason I'm real good at only committing myself to something half-way, and talking myself into believing that's good enough because "I'm busy" or "There's so much going on" or "I really need to give myself a break". Why not? After all, I'm working on it, right? You can't expect someone to be perfect, and some effort's got to be better than none. "I know I struggle here, but at least I'm working on it." Or how about "This is all I can do right now, I just don't have the energy to put up a good fight. Maybe in another month or so..."

Mum reminded me in no uncertain terms that considering how much energy and time you realistically have is part of counting the cost of what you commit to. If I've commited to so many hours at work a week and so many hours of studying for class, I've got to be prepared to give up those other things I've been letting myself get into that take the energy and time I need to do my best. I've got to be ready to be little more disciplined so I can perform well, and to be willing to stand up to the people around me for whatever lifestyle changes I make. If someone views trust as a matter of time spent and that's not how I operate, I need to consider what it will take for me to be able to relate to them and if its worth the effort. Its enough to make you wonder why people make commitments at all, with all the work involved.

But commitments are what move us forward in life, aren't they? Its the people who won't give their word, or give it too lightly that don't seem to progress much. To purpose to do something and then knowingly do what it takes to carry it out, that simple mindset is all it takes to discover the structure of DNA, restore a broken family, even save humanity. Maybe that's why we follow people with a "strong" dream.

Eeep! I ran out of time to muse! Well, this is what I've been thinking about lately gang, so if you start to wonder why I'm less available then usual, check the library, I'm probably studying for class. Mum got that right. ^_^

Greetings to all who've been wondering if I've fallen off the face of the planet!

So a summary of what's up with me, or has been up with me, whatever:

1) My tint is absolutely shot. And has been inaccurate for quite a while, causing me to get more and more ill as the months have past. I tire out much more faster than usual now, and I can't do very much writing or reading without paying for it. This is probably the main reason why I've not written anything for a while...I just don't want to look at a computer very much right now. The good news is that my new set of glasses should be arriving this week or early next week, and when they do I'll be feeling oh so much better.

2) Work is a lovely mishmash of too much to do and lessons in consistancy. I think that last one may end up being the theme lesson for the year. I've had some pretty honest but encouraging talks with my boss recently, and I'm really starting to feel that the Lord won't let me move onto the extra responsiblilites of grad school until I've learned how to be consistant and successful with the responsiblilties He's given me already. So I'm still thinking graduate school, but not anytime in the near near future. I've got some other things to do first. (There you go, Ken. What you're thinking/feeling isn't anything odd, cause the rest of us go thru it/are going thru it too! Just hang in there bud!)

3) The research I'm supposed to be doing at the moment might get put into a paper before the end of the year, if I can get my butt into gear working on it. That would be really awesome, and go a long ways towards making me feel like I'm actually making progress and contributing around here. Taking care of the business side of things is great, but its research and new intellectual properties that get us money around here and ensure that I stay employed.

4) I have reached the grand old age of 25! For my birthday, I attended someone else's party with my friends (which was uber-awesome btw Laura, Happy 21st! ), went to see Howl's Moving Castle in theaters (also uber-awesome!!!), took a nap in the middle of my supposed party and further corrupted more people with video games. (*evil grin* All of you WILL come over to the Dark Side, given enough time in my presence.) I did enjoy it all, though I wish I hadn't been so tired for most of the weekend.

5) My friends are very interesting people. Take Jessie for example, who's surviving Adrian's absence by turning into a Garage-Saleing Queen. Or Jonathan, who's first words at my "party" were, "Hi! This is my girlfriend Jessica!" *laugh* I'm pretty happy about that one, in case anyone's wondering. And she seems to be a sweet girl, I hope we get the chance to hang out more. Then there's Karin and her hidden talent to bargain shop for manga by enlisting her friends, Dan's hidden talent to totally whale on old-school Zelda games, Matt's nifty talent to remember his friends on their important days (thanks for the card, dude! And for calling Jessie on her anniversary, that really perked her up.), and Jeremy's talent for causing small amounts of havoc just by being himself. Danny totally cracked me up on Sunday when he came over and told me that at 11:55 pm on June 25, when it hit him that he only had 5 minutes left before legal adulthood, he decided to exercise his childishness one last time by screaming at the top of his lungs and trying to pants someone. (Unfortunately the target had a belt on, so it didn't work.) You people are a big reason why I love life so much!

6) There are some things that I'm having a rougher time with, but since the answer to all of them is just more time and faithful obedience, I'll mention them quick. My mum's having trouble with her medical insurance and obtaining her meds right now, so I'm having to learn how to talk slower for shorter periods of time about less things. Its rough because I've always leaned on her for support, but right now she doesn't have the strength for that because she's pretty ill. I'm having to learn to lean on others more at the moment without completely shutting her out of the stuff I'm going thru because I don't want to overburden her. Not an easy thing to do. Moving out of the Linehan's house is not very feasible at the moment either, due to France and an increased in my student loan bill. Ergo I am rather confused about what God is up to, because He's brought me to the point where I desire to live on my own, but don't have the means to do so. My high schoolers have made me both very sad and very proud of them this month. I'm praying that all the events we've been thru will deepen the maturity of all of them, because I really can't wait to share the richness life has to offer with them. Unfortunately, you have to be strong enough to handle that richness, which means growing up.

7) So, France. I'm leaving July 28 and will be back on August 21. I'll have until August 7 to putz around, and then it will be all day every day with no weekends in a 8x12 room with 2, possibly 3 other people cranking out immunohistochemistry experiments as fast as possible. The things I'm the most nervous about have to do with the mechanics of travel in a foreign country, which won't go away until I experience that sort of thing myself. Perks include actually working with my boss, good food, a groovy location on the coast, and no beurocratic paperwork on my desk to deal with. The non-perks include actually working with my boss, a very good possibilty of no contact with other believers in a very spiritually oppressed country, and the fact that I don't speak French. Oh, and also that our newest employee from Japan will be arriving in the US on August 22, so I may have to be in to work that day. Blech.

8) Currently lessons with Jeremy include working on fitting the mechanics of our relationship into the lives God has currently given us (since both of us think that's where our main energies should be going), how to encourage him to write the paper he's been working on ever since we started dating, how to express thoughts and feelings in words and various other ways, and how to develop levels of self-control (goes along with fitting things into our current lives.) Geez, dating someone is hard work.

So there you have it. My "summary" that really isn't a summary but hey, I've been busy. For the calendar, the month of July looks like:

July 2 - 4 Working
July 4 - 8 Breeding week
July 7 - 12 Hosting the "MyFam" reunion ~ Dan and Jer's friends from Cedarville are invading (I might work a few hours during this time b/c its a breeding week)
July 16 - 18 Weekend up at Jer's
July 23 - 24 Might be working, preparing for France
July 28 Leave for France
August 7 Work starts at Roscoff
August 21 Home from France

I'm thinking a vacation sometime this fall sounds real good.

Later, peeps!! ~A

Whoooo!

OK, so here I am after saying life would be less crazy this week/month, and so far I've been proven totally wrong! ^_^! Good news is that I finally got the data I've been working on out the door to the boss last night so he can write his paper. Bad news is, it took 3 nights of working late during a breeding week to pull it off, so again my schedule has been all whacked out. Today, I'm taking a bit of a break to write, so I can feel like my job doesn't control me. I really do like what I do, honest. Its just life can be a bit much.

My mum's been giving me a nice load of 2x4's lately to chew on. (For all of you who think I only dole them out, ha!) The biggest one is about how you manage your time. According to her, and this is between two women you understand, you really only have enough time to pour yourself into 3 things and do well, such as motherhood, church, and being a wife. When you try to do more than that you burn yourself out. Very quickly. Which means that you end up making some hard choices about what you do and don't do, so you can succeed in those areas.

For me, the breakdown probably looks more like work, church, and dating Jeremy. What I've been trying to do, with limited success, is add on a full training program in Aikido, working with my kids, acting as a social coordinator for my friends, studying, and traveling all over tarnation for various events and such. And its been a bit too much. Now, I'm usually all for pushing myself to do all that, especially if the semester is almost over and life would change in a few weeks. But guess what, Toto! You're not in school anymore, and there are no summer breaks or finals weeks. You're in for the long haul now, so you'd better figure out how you're going to last. This is especially true in a job that regularly breaks the 9-5 rule.

So what am I going to do about it? Well, I don't know yet. That's going to take some serious thinking, and I'm screaming with frustration that I'm not able to handle it all. I don't WANT my work to become my life, or any one thing to become that actually. But I'm all to familiar with this sort of pattern, with having to cut back or give up some things to succeed at the hard ones. So I'll probably figure something out.

The other thing that's been spinning around in my head lately has been the difference between change and growth. Basically this is coming from watching some of my kids struggle with some things. Everybody seems to think that the best way to handle your problems is to change something, like your environment, or a relationship to whomever, or your performance or grades or desktop picture. Change can be good, sure. But it doesn't imply that you're actually growing, necessarily.

The way I figure it, to grow means to internalize a concept and apply it to your life such that your behavior/thinking/emotions/actions become different than they were before. It requires a lot more thinking and praying and questioning yourself than just changing your environment does. When I shuffle stuff around on the outside of me, things may affect me a little differently for a while, but that effect goes away as soon as I leave or change that environment again. Growth is something you take with you no matter where you go, or what your environment is. It develops who you are on the inside.

I know this game really well, actually. Back in high school when I was in counseling for my parents' divorce, I did a lot of stuff to change the outside of me, thinking that it would help, or get my couselor off my back, or that it was what I was expected to do. I became really tied up in legalism because of that...how I believed the world thought of me was directly linked to what I did, and not to who I was inside. But I wanted it that way. The person I thought I was, I despised with a passion. And I didn't want to grow because in order to do that, I would have to let myself admit that I was that person, to be that person. Its been a lot of hard work to retrain the tapes in my head, to tackle my baggage, to learn to know and be who I am. There were days and months I didn't want to pay the price.

I'm not anywhere near like that anymore, thank God, because He's taught me that true growth is worth all that. Its one of the few things in life that can never be taken away from you. But there are still times when I find myself substituting change for growth, because I don't have the energy or don't want to deal with it or don't think its fair that its always ME who has to adapt. So I always am asking myself if I'm falling into that trap...and I have to tell you that after years of working with this I have a pretty good idea when I am slacking off. But I also know that its not worth it to play that game. You can't go anywhere, do anything, dream about anything real or love anyone if you try to build all that on a persona that depends on the world around you. That's like building on sand.

So that's what's up with me. Now I've got work to get back to *ick*. Time to practice what I preach! Later, gang!

~A

The world's too big
And I'm too small
To do all that is asked of me

My life's too fast
And I just crawl
Because my feet gave under me

For who can tread
Upon a ground
That sinks and rises like the sea

And who can dance
Upon a wind
That howls dischordant harmony

So if its still
Required of me
To stand, to dance, to run this race

A world too loud
Just let it cease
So mine can settle back in place

ARRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!

Ahhhh, much better. No folks, I'm not going crazy (yet), its just been a week where all my projects keep hitting detours, making progress something of a slow-go. I find it interesting that I feel like a sail stretched to the max against the wind, without any discernable forward motion...I would like to think I'll get a break at some point, but that's not my main concern. Right now I can freely admit my life has me by the scruff of my neck. Its in sore need of balance, but I think the cost of getting that may be more than I want to pay right now. I'm running smack into the truth that your work or your ministry can totally absorb your life. The only solution is to lay down boundaries that those things cannot cross over. However, how do you hold to a line when your life keeps shifting and moving? I don't possess the experience to plan for such a complex pattern ahead of time. And does anyone else feel like its shutting yourself in to have to isolate yourself from the people in your life just to have some quiet? I hate that feeling, it makes me feel like I'm slamming the door in someone's face. I've never liked shutting myself in my room. Even when I was a kid, I felt way too constrained and isolated when I did that to keep people out. I'd much rather just be in a location by myself when there's so many things going on around me than do that, I think because I can't completely shut off my awareness of what's around me at any time. (Gotta love that ADD, ha!)

I guess what it comes down to is I'd much rather prefer to just simply be not around than to be around and have to spend energy when I'm already tired to tell people to leave me alone. Its...kinda sad that in today's world we have to ignore so much just to think. Or visit, or laugh, or whatever. No wonder Jesus disappeared so much when He needed to pray or rest or just be with his close friends...too much access really is a bad thing, even if you love all of the people you're serving or the work you're doing. Argh... Course, its makes me wonder if not being willing to set boundaries for myself in work and ministry is the result of both lack of faithfulness when serving and lack of faith that the Lord will handle things whether I'm there or not. And its not like the people around me won't respect my wishes...its just, well, when I'm tired, there are times I need people and times I don't. I need both for balance, but since I can't predict which its going to be ahead of time, setting a simple rule just seems too naive. And thus, double argh...

I have a gut feeling this isn't really making sense to many of you. Hey, that's ok. And those of you who are getting a clue don't do anything drastic to try and fix this for me! This is my problem, my learning experience. I need to figure this out for myself, because I don't think this is going to be the only time in life I hit this wall. That's just the way it is. Groovy? Alright!

Well, I've got a full day of aikido tomorrow and I have to buy pantyhose for it, so I'll leave off. Happy Friday everyone, may your weekend have some warm sunny weather in it no matter where you are! Later!

~A

Damn, I thought that might happen. The first comment of the last post I made was not meant to logically lead to the following set, it was merely an observation. And an explanation for those who read this who don't know what's up. What followed after is my reaction to two things that came out of this weekend, part of which those of you whom I'm currently talking with had some input in, and part of which other people had some input in. After which when all was said and done, I was trying to get my thoughts balanced out enough that they would actually do me some good. Remind me to only write things I've thought through, the inbetween is not for anyone to know. By the way, the post that started it all was referring to how we listen to others and applies to all levels, more than it was about when and to whom we should listen. Go context, it clarifies everything.

The first thing I reacted against has to do with what happens when one person in a relationship starts to (or continues to) rely on another person's motivation and energy to continue meaningful communication. Having been on both sides of the spectrum on this one, I felt I had reason to comment on the side that hadn't been brought up yet. I am of the personal belief that its not just a friend's responsibility to figure out that something's up with you, its also your responsibility to seek out the help of your friend when that's the case. On the one side, that means to me that I keep my eyes and ears open for what is really going on in the lives of the people around me. It means I pray regularly for them. But it also means that I let them know that there are times when I can't "watch" them as much as usual and I'll depend on them being open and honest more at that time to let me know what's important. Those are the times when I have to let the details go. (And funny, those are the times when the most people get mad at me. Go fig.) Hence, the explanation of where my energy is going to go for the next month. Those of you who know me know that when I have to work on something big, I drop everything else that takes my energy and focus on just that until its done. That's what I was talking about.

On the other side of the equation, it means that I'm always working to be strong enough to be honest with the people around me, to let them know what things I need them to pay attention to if they want to read me and to leave off the mask when it won't blow the world up to do so. I don't think its right to rely on someone else to keep calling your bluffs just to get you to be real. You should tear down your walls with your own hands more than rely on the hands of others. Can you see the imbalance I'm talking about here? Hence the whole thing about "chasing" people.

Now I would of not brought that whole thing up if it weren't for the fact that after this weekend, I felt very much like I was being told that I needed to be the proactive one without the added caveat that the people around me would understand what I need to do right now and how to adapt to it. Thus all I could see was an unbalanced, unhealthy drain on my energy. Hence the reaction, hence the statement. (And before you think that's an attack on you, Matt, its NOT. There are other things going on around here.)

The second thing I was reacting to was the assumption that has been thick in the air around here that "listening" to someone means dropping everything you're doing to spend 6 hours just discussing/listening to one person's problems, and do that immediately whenever that person feels like they're not getting any attention. That action may indeed be necessary from time to time, but I find that it is a pretty rare case with most people. The people who make it a regular order of business are the ones most of us find it hard to be around...Janet, from church, comes to mind here. She'll talk your ear off, but what she really tries to do is get you to feel sorry about her enough that you'll become the busybody she is. Instant soap opera. The kind of "listening" that does people good is the kind that leads to forward movement, and what it looks like on the outside could be anything from an evening at your house to 2 minutes on the phone. Does that make better sense?

Matt, Jon, sorry to make you think you're the reason for all of this, I will clarify until we all get it. But I don't have to time today.

There's a lot to be said for tracking someone down and just listening to them. OK, sure, I buy that for about 10% of the time. But there's another side to it too, gang, something that I've had to learn and make myself practice until it became habit: If I know that there's someone who's willing to listen to me, I don't have to wait for them to come to me to get something out. It makes me want to call/visit/IM them. Like my mom. I've got something on my mind, I call her, not wait for her to call me to catch up on my life or whatever. If I put the responsibility on her to make me talk, all I'm going to do is wear her out and frustrate myself. People, that should be the exception, not the rule.

Its the same way with God. What's the good of it if I just sit there waiting for Him to break into my life and get me to talk to Him?! He's not going to do that. He knows I'm a being capable of personal relationship and personal choice. He's not going to force Himself on me. That's not the way to build up a relationship that brings balance, life and joy. And if its true with Him, how much more is it true with us who are weak, frail, distracted, busy, and all of that? There are things you can't ask someone to do all the time without breaking them.

So I'm sorry, guys. I've tried it your way, many times, and all that's happened is I've burned myself out badly. The only time I'm going to break in and "make you talk" is if I have a clear suspicion that you are putting a mask up to not deal with your problems. Figuring that out is going to take longer now that I don't live around most of you anymore. I love you, and I'm always here if you need me, but I can't watch you over your shoulder all the time. I do "listen" to what you tell me and how you tell me it all the time, but if you want a nice, long, involved discussion you'll have to tell me so I can clear an evening and make tea. College life is over, things just aren't as spontaneous and close-contact as they were then. I'm not saying that as an excuse, but as a recognition of change. Even with Jessie and Karin, I have to plan time together just for the purpose of talking now. Its a lot harder to do, because we have our own lives, so I'm lucky if I get to really talk with them about once every 3 months. Yeah, and that's me living close to Jessie and seeing her at church on Sundays.

I might as well warn everyone as well, right now I'm not going to be going on any "break down the walls" quests for at least a month. I need to study. And that's all I'm going to be doing for a while. If you want me you'll have to come get me, my world is going to consist of books and the occasional video game and I won't be able to watch over anybody except those quite forcefully under my nose. And even them, not very well.

I guess my real question, for the two of you I know about, is do you really believe that I won't listen to you if you wanted me to? Do you really think that I don't care that much? What kind of person or friend do you think I am? I can't prove my friendship by chasing after you right now. I don't think that's what you need. My door is open and my phone is on, the only way I can serve you right now is if you come to me, where I can drop everything for a little while and then pick it back up without screwing it up too much. I'm not too busy for you, but I'm too swamped to chase you. Does that make sense?

It just occured to me that I need to say something that might be really misunderstood. Um, here's the deal, guys. God has given me a job to do, a task to be faithful at. At this level, I'm not even talking "calling" or anything like that, just day to day. When I was younger, my "job" had a lot to do with reaching out to people and friends...now it doesn't. What He's given me to do now takes priority. Over everything. I am still the same as I've always been: I'm loyal to a fault and I care way too much to see clearly sometimes. But where once I could spend most of my energy on serving my friends, I can't now. I'm not allowed. Before I carried a lot of people on my shoulders. Now, I have to walk with you, we have to follow Christ together on our own strength. So I can't do as I used to, drag you off to a corner every time I saw you and say "ok, what's really going on". The times that God asks me to do that with someone are really rare now. I have to let you learn to live your own lives, and be a steady encouragement from the outside by being available when you need me and performing my responsiblities faithfully, so you have a friend with the kind of character you can count on. I can't watch out for you all like I did once...I may not be able to do that again until I retire or am too old to pull off the crazy stuff I do. I've even had to change how I pray for you a bit, doing it the old way just breaks me down. I still care. I still love you, and I am more committed to you than many of you know. But it won't be the same on the outside, because there's something more important now than being everyone's support. If I give in, if I quit and go back, I'm going to do you more damage than I even want to think about. I know that. I have to go forward. For Him, and for you, and for me. That's what it really is. Probably makes no sense...wish I could explain better. I don't make much sense at times. But that's what it is.

I've discovered an odd fact about Xanga that I didn't know I knew until I said it out loud: people really use this place as a "safe haven". They express all these feelings that they don't feel safe to say out loud to the people they live with in the language of a private journal. Then they tell the people they trust about the site, so at least somebody reads it and agrees. A fantastic idea. Why?

Ever been in a spot where even though the other person says they understand your point, you don't feel they do because you have much much more to say on the subject? I know I do. When all your feelings are written down, however, in a much more one-sided kind of conversation, you feel like you got it all out and the other person was forced to sit and listen to you. All the way through. Now all of a sudden it feels like they know your side of it for sure. And like they have heard all of it before they react. After all, how many of us really get to the most important issue first? We like to dance around a bit.

That's a really important thing to know about people. More of us feel like this than we care to admit, I think. Probably because in this day and age, we (as a society) really suck at listening. I kinda like having a place where I can write things I like to talk about and I know someone will read them. And a place where I can control their responses to what I say. (If I don't like it, I'll delete it! kinda thing).

But there's also something wrong with it too...because people don't listen, its easy to use things like Xanga to substitute. And then we don't learn to listen either. I mean, come on people. When it comes right down to it, nothing subs for a real flesh-and-blood human being listening to you all the way through and responding respectfully at the end of it. But how are we ever going to develop that if we aren't willing to talk to each other in the real situations we find ourselves in? K, ya, sure there are things you can and can't say to so-and-so at times. And relying on one person for this is too much of a burden. I know that. But its gotta start somewhere, with someone, and if you're reading this that means you. And me.

Wanna see the world change? Let's become people who listen.

(You may now return to your regularly scheduled browsing.)

~A

Argh. I would really like to put this part of my page in a bordered box but I can't figure out how to pull that off...at least not for free. Anybody got a clue to give me?

Happy 24th to me!! I think I'm going to celebrate by calling up my parents and telling them thanks. I kind of hope the Lord has something special planned for me and Him today...that would be really cool! I need to hear I'm loved and appreciated from my family and friends of course, but since He's decided He wants me all to Himself for a while, I'd love to hear it from Him too. Sometimes it is almost like having a boyfriend.

But most of all for my birthday this year, I'd like a weekend where He does something amazing in the lives of the people around me. Like Laura, that He'd set her free from one major thing that's holding her down. And Daniel, that he'd get a chance to hear (and believe it) that his dad loves him and is proud of him. For Beth, that she'd find the place where she can understand she is always approved of no matter what's up with the family. For Jim, maybe that the discernment he's learning with the Berkhiemers would start clicking in with his own family and bring about an answer.

Jessie and Adrian? Mmmm, that this whole house thing would be a place of joyful hospitality right off. Danny, that he would know that we believe in him for a reason so he can have the courage to take the plunge into life. I would really like my brother Tim to find a church like BayRidge that he can be a part of without condemnation. For Mum, that the new meds will be provided and they will actually do something! Oh, and that Trinity will wake up and grow inside, so she'll have the church community she longs for. For Gen, time to rest and another companion to walk with when my mom can't. Dad and Cathy, I'd like to give them something that would bring a sense of "family", mmmm, maybe a new way to include them in my new life. Those kinds of things are really important to them.

There's lots more I could wish for. But I think that's a good start. Ok, Lord! Do Your thing!

I just felt like smiling at everyone. My current line of thought is on the importance of proper independence. Living where I am, it is real easy for me to just let myself get sucked into the world around me and forget that there are much better ways of dealing with pain than just letting myself be carried along. God gave me the old smack down on Tuesday, and pointed out that the things I've been overly spending my money on, like DVDs, I've been using as a way to kind of try and declare my independence from the problems around me. Problem is, that kind of spending is actually preventing me from really being independent, by sucking dry my savings and stuff. Its making me rely more and more on the people I need to be independent from in order to be any good to them (or myself). Argh...

I guess its just another form of running. Because it does hurt to be here. Everyone around me is hurting so much, I can't help but feel it. Its not that there isn't hope, or that they aren't doing the right things or anything like that. Its just that right now things are starting to be dealt with, and that hurts. And I can really pick up on it.

So I'm working on building my own "home-within-a-home" if you will, my own space inside of someone else's. Its hard, and it means that I have to think differently about things like my money (I suck at that!), but I know that it will be the balance I need to keep going, keep loving, keep serving, and keep learning.

I guess that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, but its a xanga page so what the hey. Later!

I'm so seriously going thru withdrawl...or I would be if I had time to think about it. No games for a week and a half! *sigh*

Had a bunch of my younger girlfriends over this past weekend. Funny, every one of them except me has tried to commit suicide, at some point or another. What I can't figure out is why I never have. We all came from Christian homes, we all went through a lot of crap, we all have chemical problems with our bodies, so why them and not me? I mean, I believe that life is well worth living no matter what, but there was a time when I didn't think that.

I wish I knew. Because if its one thing I'd want to give them, its the hope that says that there are things in life worth more than the pain, and there is always a possibility for change as long as you are alive. "My hands are small, I know, but they're not yours, they are my own. Yes, they're not yours, they are my own and I am never broken..." ~ Jewel

Reading Dan's latest post has me thinking even more than I was already today. Sometimes I wish he'd just share that stuff out loud in conversation, because I know he's a deep thinker and I respect people like that. But then again that might be just one more way that he keeps himself "aloof", like he was saying. I do it too, though in a different way. My way to keep people distant is to always be giving them something, usually something that they need, but not to receive from them in like kind.

Dan reminds me of Solomon right now, and a bit of my friend Joel. Joel is all head, you know, he's got the clearest most cynical view of reality that sometimes I wonder why he's still here at all. All three of them sound like they've got a pretty good view of the meaningless part of life. I mean, you need all the good stuff like love and joy and peace and knowing yourself, but then there's no way to get those things without getting trampled and maimed and horribly hurt in the process. And even once you have those things its not like you can't lose them...which makes you wonder if its worth it in the first place.

I've been thinking all day that I don't really "get" reality. All my hobbies are things that make me believe that there's stuff worth laughing at and enjoying in life, but they can also make me forget all the crap that comes with it. Sometimes that's ok, but for me right now, I want to see what parts of my Christianity will hold up under the weight of living. I don't mean like if some guy were to bust into my work and hold a gun to my head would I deny Christ. I believe in Him, I will 'till I die. I mean will He stand through all the crap that comes at me everyday, through the people I know and through myself. I've been listening to Jewel at work today and the thing that gets me is the clarity with which she sees life, how it works and who people are. She's hard for me to listen to because she doesn't encourage me. If her view of people is right, if the great thinkers of the past are right, life really sucks even more than I've experienced myself.

And I know God knows that life here sucks, because I read in His Word all about women being raped and tortured, children orphaned and abused, men doing great things only to turn around and kill themselves and their best friends. I read about liars and thieves, murderers, hypocrites, and prostitutes...some of them are people most of us think of as heroes...I read about the average joe who doesn't understand why his wife left him, about the father so desperate to get drunk that he doesn't even know his daughters slept with him. I know He sees it. I want to know if He sees anything else. Sure I believe He does. Sure I believe there's hope for people, for a love that doesn't hurt you or leave you or turn on you. But I want to see it in action. I want to see it in the middle of the brokenness of my reality and the realities of the people around me.
And if I do, I'm going to go ahead and love people and get hurt and make mistakes and all that other stuff because I'll know that there's something out there working to heal all that, and it will be right in the end.