To Run Unhindered

Catch-up Post #2 - October & November 2010

2011-09-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

October and November is best shared in pictures, I think. The major events were the Underground Masquerade Ball (for which I dressed as an MIB agent with my new friend Betsey Mitchell), the Bowling party, and the Ugly Sweater party. We really ramped up the practicing for worship band and the Christmas play so mostly I was just really busy running around. If you'd like to see more pictures than what I just posted here, the full albums are up on the Photo Archives page.

Underground Masquerade 2011

We ARE the Men In Black.

We had quite the collection of characters this year.

In which two members of an imaginary law enforcement agency protect the public by arresting a gnome.

In which the members of two different imaginary law enforcement agencies protect the public by arresting a key guido from the Jersey Shore.

The Ugly Sweater Party

Yes, it really was that bad.

Catch-up Post #1 - September 2010

2011-09-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

I can measure how "busy" my life is by how long I leave my blog alone. Given that the last time I actually wrote anything here was last October, and that it is almost October again, I must of had a crazy busy year! Its been a good, full, hard one; I'm still processing a lot of it. I might post some of those lessons later, for additional comment. But first, here's a seasonal update for those of you who have been asking how I've been for months now.

In September, I started attending a new Underground small group called SLICK (Single Ladies In Christ's Kingdom) led by my good friend Shari Carew. She had a very strong call on her heart that God wanted to reach out to the single ladies in our age group and work healing and growth in our lives. She didn't think she was the leader type, but thanks to her willingness to obey we started meeting on Thursday nights. I had the opportunity to offer my apartment as our meeting place and I was unbelievably grateful to do so. See, even though I had been a regular attender of Cornerstone and a faithful servant in Underground for months, I still felt like I didn't really KNOW anyone well, or that they knew me. Part of that was due to the fact that I hadn't had any of my church friends over to my place for anything. My apartment is rather small for parties and such, but its perfect for small group. Once these women started visiting my home and saying how much they enjoyed being in my "space", I really began to feel like I was more than just "church friends" with people, and that I now had Christian sisters I could walk with in my life. That was the first healing I experienced as a result of SLICK - God used those first meetings in my home to deliver the final blow to the isolation I'd struggled with since my fight with depression began in 2005.

Also in September, our new worship pastor and choir director Jason Rose started to shape the choir into an actual consistent, contributing entity in worship and creative ministry. Can I tell you just how much I've appreciated that this year? When I first came to Cornerstone, we had a small choir for occasional music and then later a sort of "worship chorus". Unfortunately both of those groups kind of lost steam and petered out at time went on, primarily due to a lack of leadership. Since music is one of the ways I connect with a community, I was really feeling the loss of a "place" to fit in the church. Now, however, there was a place to serve in music with community, consistent expectations, and a vision for the future. I love that. Choir has become one of my anchors of connection to the church. Our first major project was to introduce a choral element to our production of "The Christmas Window". I do enjoy a challenge. ^_^

In Underground, I was asked during the summer to take over as leader for the worship band in place of my friend Mike, who got married in June. My guitar skills aren't that great but I had led worship before in college, so I decided to say yes. We really started to gel in September as each of us adjusted to a new practice schedule, new music, and regular team devotionals under Pastor David's guidance. It took a couple of tries before we figured out how to "get out the way of the Spirit", as the saying goes. But it is really true that when you obey and do what the Lord asks you to do, no matter how full of holes your service is, He shows up in amazing ways.

At work we adjusted to the loss of a few of our undergrads to graduation, and the addition of some new people to cover the work. Also my boss informed us that he would be taking a year off for sabbatical and spending it mostly in Europe doing fieldwork in the cave systems of Croatia, so we started working on the details needed for that to happen. The idea behind the trip came out of some data we had been collecting on the pathway L-tyrosine takes to produce melanin in the body, and the reasons why that pathway doesn't work in our blind cavefish. (One of these days I'll be able to talk about this project in detail on the 'net. Its really very cool.)

And that was September for me.

A Lesson From Biology - Why There's No Such Thing As "Status Quo"

2010-10-07T07:13:00.000-07:00

Right now at my home church, we're very blessed to have our senior pastor Mark Lehmann and his wife home safe from sabbatical. I knew when we sent them on their well-earned break that we'd have to be prepared to keep up with him when they returned and boy, was I right! Its a good thing. Pastor Mark said last night at Wednesday service that he's found that when he just tries to maintain where he's at with God, he actually starts to lose ground. For that reason its important for all of us to keep moving forward after our Lord. And being the science nerd that I am, it hit me...that's just like the human body.

Most of you probably remember from high school that the body is composed of millions of tiny cells, each with their own characteristics and lifespans. In order for a human to gain mass and size as he develops from a child to adult, the cells in his body must divide and produce more cells at a rate much much faster than they die off. So if the average cell lives for ~1 month, the cells of a child will divide around twice as much as the cells of an adult during that lifespan, giving the child's body more mass.

The interesting thing is that once you become an adult, your cells still have to divide and produce offspring to keep you being you. They don't just sit there and stay the same all the time. Every time you eat, breathe, touch something, think something, or just plain exist with your environment you lose cells due to damage. So if your body didn't constantly produce replacements for those, along with replacements for the cells that naturally die, you'd cease to be a form anyone would recognize as human. This is a major cause of many diseases in the body, such as sickle cell anemia and osteoporosis. In addition to that each cell you are born with has a genetic timecode in it for the number of times it can divide without losing important DNA. Once that limit is reached there is no more cell division from that line. This is the fundamental cellular reason why we all age, we basically start to lose the body's ability to renew itself and maintain its form.

Here's the parallel: our bodies must constantly expend energy to grow in order for us not to die. There's a certain level of energy and effort required to keep us being us. Anything above and beyond that allows us to develop beyond our current state. If this is true for us physically, its certainly true of us spiritually; after all, we are uniquely physical-spiritual beings and many of the rules of physically mirror those of the spiritual realm. This is why there is no such thing as "status quo" for Christians. When we stop running after God, when we stop feeding on His Word or loving His people, when we stop praying and worshiping Him, we cut off our own lifesource. We start to age. We start to die inside. And then we wonder why He seems so distant, why we feel so empty, why we have little joy in our lives.

I'm currently poking at a brand new book called "The Me I Want To Be" from one of my favorite authors, John Ortberg. In it he very honestly talks about the difference between the "status quo" and flourishing in his own life, and why spiritual growth is vital to the everyday Christian. The point he tries to make is that all of us need to be intentional about our walk if we are going to survive as a Christian. It doesn't matter if you are a passionate person or not, a learned person or not, a hurting person, broken person, confused person, whatever. Every time you choose to make an effort with Christ, no matter how small, you are choosing to live. Our bodies make that choice for us automatically so we don't have to think about it much beyond eating the right kinds of foods and getting good sleep. Unfortunately we can't treat our new spiritual bodies the same way. We are saved, we are destined for heaven, and we won't ever lose that, BUT we have to choose: either we cross the finish line on our own two feet as heirs of the kingdom or we get dragged across by God's wind of motion as the kingdom charity cases. Diane Duane puts it like this in "High Wizardry" from her Young Wizard series:

Those who refuse to serve the Powers,
become the tools of the Powers.
Those who agree to serve the Powers,
themselves become the Powers.

Beware the Choice! Beware refusing it!

And its true. There's no such thing as "status quo", friends. Not in this Life.

Stopping To Catch Your Breath

2010-05-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

I was originally hoping that this blog would be a sort of anchor for my thinking and a place for family to catch up on what I'm doing, but looking at the rate I've been writing I can only say that I must be more caught up in the speed of my life than I thought I was. If I were a married young mom, I'd understand it...having little kids leaves little time for inner reflection. But as a single person I have to admit I haven't been taking as much advantage of the amount of control I have over my daily living as I want to. How many life lessons have I missed out on simply because I've let things carry me at their own pace? How much of God's voice have I not heard just because I let the world get too loud? While there are times when its inevitable to get caught up in what's going on, I really don't believe that its wise to stay there.

So today I'm taking the opportunity to sit down and think some about all that's happened so far this year. Since Christmas I've had the joy to see my younger brother get married and attend my first real "family" get-together at their home over Easter. I've welcomed a new co-worker from China into the Jeffery Lab and lost a dear friend to sudden heart failure. I've seen my friends Adrian and Jessie welcome their third child into the world and move into a new (huge!) house. I've had friends at church get engaged and seen some lose their jobs. I've met new friends during Underground outings, seen our fledgling worship team grow in stability, started a new research project for the boss, sent off one worship pastor and welcomed a new one to Cornerstone. I've watched three undergrad students graduate, tried to start my new porch garden and joined a new softball team. There is so much I have to be thankful for, both good and sad, that I can't believe its only May. (You can see a lot of what I've been up to in the albums I've added to the blog.)

I turn 30 this June. In and of itself that's an interesting thing to think about. I always get reflective when I hit the 5's and 10's, that's probably normal. While there's a lot of things I think I could of done better, in the end I think I'm satisfied that I've made it to this age as the person I am. God has done a lot of work in me over the years, but I know He's nowhere near done yet. And as long as that is true, I can't stay satisfied with staying the person that I am at 30. So then, the question is, who do I want to be now? Where do I want to go from here? While God gives the growth, we are responsible working on the development, the self-control, the investment of time into ourselves and others. In light of the person I want to be 30 years from now, how do I walk today?

I have hopes, of course. Someday I would like to be married and starting a family of my own. I'd like to make an income that covers all the bills with a bit left over for saving and for play. It'd be great to have a house I'd like to live in for years, with a black Labrador for company and enough space for a veggie garden, a study/library, and a craft room. It'd be great to serve at the same church for at least a decade or more. And in my career I'd like to become the kind of technician that can enhance anyone's research, a specialist in doing science well and in running a lab to succeed. The funny thing is, I think I've been learning that all of those things are things that God has to give me. I can't really make any of them happen on my own. I can prepare for them, invest in the internal infrastructure my soul needs to live fruitfully during them, study to increase my toolbox for them but I can't make them happen. Its kind of like my garden. I can plant the seeds, enhance the soil, and water them everyday, but unless God says "grow", I won't get any tomatoes for my salad.

While I can't make my hopes reality, I can make the person I wish to be a reality. God may have to guide the how (because I'm really clueless about that) and He certainly will guide the events of when, but the choices I make each day are the foundation of who I will be tomorrow. They'll either be a platform I can build on or a weight pulling me down. So if I want to be a woman of wisdom, relatively good health, and joyful humor in 30 years then today I should choose to spend time with God, do a little exercise, and give something in service to somebody that makes them smile. I'll choose to challenge myself a little at work rather than sitting on my current expertise. I'll choose to not freak out over my income but work on honoring God with my money. I won't go headhunting for a guy just because I'm 30 and still single. If I faithfully do my work today, God won't leave me hanging. He's not that kind of God, after all.

The Christmas Window

2009-12-08T09:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm horribly delinquent in updating this blog. A large part of that has been due to the fact that it fell on me to rebuild the lab webpage after all, and every time I got on the internet at work I've felt guilty if I didn't work on it. The good news is that after 3 months of pounding code and visual design, we should have something up and running come early January.

More importantly, this has had much of the rest of my attention recently because I'm participating in the cast. I hereby extend my formal invitation to all of you who know me and would enjoy seeing me try to waltz in a fancy dress with 7 other couples. Cornerstone Church proudly presents "The Christmas Window"!

From the Cornerstone website:

Friday, December 18th – Sunday, December 20th at 7:00 p.m.

Please bring a non-perishable food item as the cost of admission to support those in need in our community.

Come discover Tyler, a disenchanted little boy, who is trying to rediscover the miracle of Christmas before the holiday ends. Join us in bringing this epic journey of faith to life before time runs out and Christmas is over.

There you have it! Come if you can, I promise you that there will be plenty of neat things to see and enjoy in this play. I'd be glad to see you!

July 2009 a - Pre-Otakon Chaos

2009-07-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

Friends, family, and fellow adventurers,

Now that my week has gone up in unpredictability, I've decided that its a good time to take a break, slow down, and think. I've neglected this blog shamefully for months so it seems like a good opportunity to catch up on things. Since I've got a horrid backlog, I've created posts for each month and you can zip to them using the links below:

March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009

I may not finish this all in one go, so please be patient with me.

The continuation from June is that our newly rewritten Animal Use Protocol was due in to IACUC by July 1st, which because of the holiday became July 6th (thank goodness!). So I spent the first week of this month finishing that and trying to prepare for the undergrad summer student we decided to take on in response to a request from one of Bill's colleagues. Drake arrived on the 6th and has kept my hands full. It will be a couple more weeks before I can just tell him to do something and let him at it, since he's learning skills right now, but he's very quick and somewhat more mature than the average college senior. Unfortunately he's also been the center of a lot of drama lately regarding housing here in College Park and he may not be able to stay for the rest of the summer. There are also some difficult things going on at home for him right now so there's a certain amount of drama attached to the whole thing.

As a result I am in this interesting position of trying to be adaptively flexible and constantly available, yet still have enough energy and time conserved to complete my own projects which require attentive focus. Usually I only have to do this sort of thing a couple times a year and never in the summer so I am rather exhausted by it all. And a little frustrated, to be honest. Summer for me usually means that the demands of others goes down, so I can focus on the things I've let go in order to deal with them. Instead it looks like I'm going to have to fight it out if I want to get my stuff done. >_< My ADD is having a heyday with the current state of things. I also haven't been able to take every Friday off this summer like I planned, which is disappointing (I've been lucky to get every other one). Its hard to change the nature of the job when you are the safety net for everyone else.

On a happier note, this weekend is Otakon! Dan and Karin are coming down to attend, as usual, and I'm really looking forward to spending time with them. I also am desperately trying to finish my costume for this year and I hope I make it. I'm having to relearn how to do paper mache for the first time since I was a kid! I will post pictures.

As far as Cornerstone goes, the Creative team is starting to prep for the Fall/Winter quarters. The choir should start singing again in August which I'm really looking forward to. It looks like we are going to have a very busy holiday season if the ideas the leadership have get off the ground, and I invite everyone to attend ahead of time! I'm sure its going to be great. Our next One Night is the last Saturday in August and they are always an awesome time of worship, though I'm not sure the choir will be singing in this one. And it looks like the little worship band I've joined in Underground will be starting official activities in August too. I'm still working on my calluses and my strum rhythm but I've got some great teammates so it should be great! The class I'm currently taking on Wednesday nights is on cults and very informative, especially about Islam. I'm also trying to get the church to support my friend Bryan at a missionary to Ireland with IVCF.

It's certainly been a very full first half of summer.

June 2009 - Battle With IACUC, Round 2

2009-07-15T07:43:00.000-07:00

Insert desperate plotline with lots of flailing arms here.

May 2009 - In Which Amy Makes A Little Experimental Progress

2009-07-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

For the first two week of May, my job was to provide support and resources for one of our collaborating scientists who visited us to do some research in our lab. Yoshiyuki Yamamoto (aka. Yamachan) worked for Bill for seven years as a post-doc before starting his own Evo-Devo lab at University College London. In my opinion, he's the world's best hand at doing lens transplantation in fish embryos. He's also very good at micromanipulation techniques like microinjection, and wrote the protocol we use in the Jeffery Lab as our standard. This year he came to do some injections of shh mRNA into surface fish for Bill with a new microinjection method he's developed, and as a result Masato and I got the opportunity to see him in action first hand.

For those of you who don't know, microinjection is a technique wherein you use a very tiny glass needle under a microscope to puncture the membrane of a cell or embryo and inject foreign material into it. It looks much like the video below when you look through the scope:

The only real difference for us is that we are injecting tiny volumes of mRNA right when the embryo first starts dividing so that we can affect genetic expression from the start. This video show cells being injected into a more mature embryo called a blastocyst. The technique itself is fascinating to learn and I will need a lot more practice to gain the dexterity to be really good at it but you can do a lot of neat experiments with it, especially in developmental biology.

The only downside to the two weeks was that since you have to inject the fish right when the cells start dividing, you have to be around when the fish start spawning. And our fish spawn during the night. I'm not a big fan of staying up all night, I never have been. I also had to pull a lot of 14 hour days at work since just because I was learning a new technique didn't mean that I got out of managerial duties the next day. I had to be in by 9am at the latest, even if I was up 'till 2 the night before, for two straight weeks. Boy was I tired and cranky at the end of it all! The third week of May was supposed to be recovery time, but I ended up being too busy prepping for the major water pipe refit the campus went under during the last week of May, and the annual review of our Animal Use protocol was due then too. Oh! And I was trying out a new staining technique on fat cells for Bill to look at before he left to spend the summer at Woods Hole.

Seriously, I need a clone of myself.

April 2009 - Battle with IACUC, Round 1

2009-07-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

When I think about it, April might be the calmest month I've had all year. Which is actually rather funny considering that half of that calm was probably due to sheer exhaustion from the conference. I started out this month by realizing that I seriously overshot my stamina, and being unable to take more than one day off to do anything about it. The choir gave our Easter production for Palm Saturday and Sunday and it was a decent success! Not bad for my first attempt at a modern worship musical, even one that was rewritten by our drama team. The drama peeps at Cornerstone, by the way, are simply just that awesome. ^_^ From there we began the inexorable march towards our bi-annual inspection by IACUC.

IACUC, for those of you not in the know, stands for the International Animal Care and Use Committee. This committee is under the administration of the University and is responsible for seeing that all animal researchers on a campus are in compliance with the public laws on using animals in research. They are not directly under the government, however the government audits their administration of the laws to the rest of us. That means we all get inspected twice a year for any violations in the lab and get basically audited ourselves. Fortunately for me, a lot of what they worry about are things that we do already simply because its better for our fish that way. So aside from some bookkeeping every year, this sort of thing isn't that big a deal for us. Usually.

This year started out like all the others and our inspection went smoothly. I did find it a little difficult to talk to the new head vet (he is very much an A-type personality), but we didn't have any major violations and I was left to try and get everyone's training records up to date. Its hard work convincing people that they need to prove they've had a tetanus shot, especially when half of your staff are students and the other half are internationals. The first group usually doesn't know how to ask for their vaccination records, and the second group has all their records in their home country! Needless to say, I made progress but didn't finish this by the time April ended.

I also spent a lot of time (between computer forms) setting up fish for Bill and his Developmental Biology lab. His teaching assistant for that class is my friend Skye Lesnick, who's a grad student. Skye was running the labs, trying to care for the fish, and becoming a first-time dad all at once this month! He's always a little hyper, as he has ADHD, and generally more bouncy than me but it was exaggerated a bit more than usual either due to exhaustion or happiness, I couldn't really tell. ~_^ Just as we finished up that portion of the lab for Bill, I had to begin prepping for Yamachan's visit in May. Bill asked him to come over from England to teach Masato (and me, if I wanted) a new method of microinjecting fish embryos that didn't require us to remove the chorion (or shell) around them. He was also doing some experiments for Bill, so I spent a week running around buying and collecting supplies. You don't want to waste someone's time when they are only going to be in lab for a short period.

Thankfully, Mum was kind enough to come visit and cook for me for a few weeks starting the last week of April, and I'm really glad she did because I was dead meat. Moms are really awesome like that. I finally started catching up on sleep and laughter while she was here, and the neat thing is that it just so happened that she was here in time to see me become a member at Cornerstone. It was really awesome to have a family member there for that, I wasn't expecting that to happen at all. God has a neat way of giving us just the things we need to keep us going when we're working hard, have you noticed? I have to keep reminding myself of that so I don't complain out of reflex.

March 2009 - Attack of the Scientific Conference

2009-07-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

For me, the month of March was dominated by two main events: the first, the prep and packing required for the scientific conference Bill was to head for the world's cavefish researchers down in Mexico, and the second, my own preparation as a choir member for the Easter program and my church membership class. It just turned out that all of these things came about in the same month and it took an amazing amount of work. For the first two weeks I went to class and struggled with the baptism of the Holy Spirit as a necessary part of every Christian's walk (I'm still not 100% on board, but Cornerstone took me anyways) and learning the alto part for the Easter musical. I ordered banners and T-shirts designed by Spela for the conference, did laundry, packed luggage, and did as much paperwork ahead of time as possible. Since everything was right up to the deadline, it was rather nerve-wracking though more for Spela than for me, since I was just too busy to worry much. But by March 12, we had everything together and relatively in order and apart from Ben (the lab tech from Daphne Soares' lab) losing his passport to the driver's seat of his car, we had no trouble flying in to Tampico, Mexico.

From there we picked up our rental cars and drove 3 hours inland the hacienda-turned-hotel/health spa Hotel Taninul. Our lab arrived about 2 days before the conference began to set up the conference room and confirm all our arrangements with the hotel. Spela was invaluable as our only Spanish speaker, and aside from the fact that we had to bring our own projection equipment the conference room was clean and spacious. We had some tropical rain but that just served to keep the bugs and heat in check.

On Sunday, our conference guests and fellow organizers began to arrive en masse. We set up a table at the hotel entrance with badges and welcome packets for everyone and I spent most of the day at the table welcoming people as Spela worked as a translator at the hotel desk. We had a few mix-ups on rooms and the hotel has been doing so very well that we were not the only group to visit in large quantities at the time but in the end most everyone was confortably settled. I was constantly reminded of how difficult it is to not be able to speak Spanish as many of the other guests came up to ask us what we were there for. The ones that did speak English were really interesting to talk to and full of questions. I met two high school girls who loved Friends and Seinfeld, and was told by an older retired gentleman that I wasn't getting paid enough for the number of years I've been in the lab! That felt good to hear from him, even if I know that the budget this year will not allow for pay raises.

My primary function for the three days of the conference was to run the whole technical side of things, so for 3 days I was up early and rushing through meals to set up the projector, load presentations onto my laptop, and get everything in order for the conference talks. As a result I actually attended every talk given and learned a lot, even if most of it was over my head and I was braindead at the end of the day. I also directed people to various locations, offered first aid supplies, worked with the hotel electricians to find a way to run projector and computer without tripping the fuses, and generally did whatever I could to make things go smoothly. It was a LOT more work than I thought it would be and I had no problems falling asleep at night.

Of course 3 days of non-stop scientific jargon is hard for anyone to handle, no matter how advanced you are in the field. So we didn't just spend our time talking, we also had coffee breaks where we made new acquaintances, spend the evenings by the sulfur pools talking, swimming, and (for most of the attendees) drinking. Its kind of an odd thing that community among science people is done with alcohol involved somehow. I am fortunate that I have health problems that allow me to not participate in a socially acceptable way. We also had an afternoon off from presentations to visit the small number of local sites. The British contingent unfortunately had car trouble, but I think they made it to the Choy river eventually. Since the hotel has finally installed wireless internet access, almost every member of the conference ended up online at some point or another. Scientists are worse than teenagers about being online nowadays, in my opinion.

I used my afternoon to finally go visit the ruins of the Huasteca Indians that are located about half an hour away from Hotel Taninul. I know very little about them other than I was told that they are one of the oldest Indian tribes in Mexico and to this day call themselves "people of the fields". Their ancient ruins consist of elevated platforms made of thousands of small, smooth rocks, perhaps constructed to allow their cities (when they built them) to survive plain floods. The site we visited was well cared for and even had a few slabs of stone carvings that it looks like they are working to restore. I wish them the best of luck, because it looks like that art is carved in the indigenous limestone, which is very soft compared to other kinds of rock.

Once the sessions finished on the third day, we ended the conference with a last dinner together with Mexican food traditional to the Huasteca area. Very yummy. We also showed our appreciation to the organizers of the whole show by giving them gifts, applause, and a good ribbing. Megan and Katarina bought Bill a belt made out of a snake (he hates snakes, I discovered) and signed by everyone who attended the conference. He may not like snakes, but he was a good enough sport to wear it for the rest of the night. Overall the conference was a great success and hopefully over the next few years more and more people will become interested in cavefish as a model organism in the lab.

At this point, most of the participants began to make their way back home to whichever country they were from. About half stayed for the bonus day, which was a field trip to Pachon cave where most of our fish in the Jeffery Lab come from. I did drive folks up to the town of Pachon (my first time driving in Mexico!) and we all arrived safely and un-arrested by county border police. ^_^ We then split into two groups of about 10 people. My group first went to a cave up the road that was easy to walk into and quite impressive. That ended up being a brilliant idea because so many of our conference people have never been in a cave before, and this one was quite majestic.

We returned to the town of Pachon and had lunch while we waited for the other group to return from visiting Pachon cave. Once they were back, it was time to put on some more serious caving gear and hike the short distance to the cave entrance. Pachon cave is actually rather spacious and straightforward, and the only climbing you have to do is through the rock pile at the entrance.

Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures of the inside of the cave to post here because just as we reached the pool in the back, we heard a voice yelling at us to get out like NOW! It turns out that this past year, the local government has been blasting in that mountain range looking for limestone quarries during the afternoons. While not close enough to cause anything like a cave collapse, the blasts were powerful enough to regularly break the glass windows in the village and possible cause the rocks at the entrance to shift. The members of the second team found this out over their lunch and ran to warn us, so we had to leave the cave in a hurry.

The rest of the trip was mostly uneventful until we tried to get back to D.C. from Houston. The plane we were in experienced problems with the landing gear dropping out of their bay about 30 minutes after we took off, and caused us to drop a bit in the air. Since the pilots couldn't get them to retract, they decided to fly back to the airport and make an emergency landing. They did a fantastic job, and aside from being nervous because I've never been in a faulty airplane before, I felt perfectly safe. They had fire trucks on the runway just in case the landing gear collapsed as we touched down, but we were fine.

I really appreciate all the prayers many of you offered for me and for this trip to be successful. I truly believe that they were the reason that I never got sick, overly-stressed, or anxious the whole time I was in Mexico. Out of all the trips I've been on down there, this was the best I've had. I finally got a chance to feel like I truly belonged in the scientific community even as a technician, and that I was able to serve above and beyond the range of people I thought I could. I was even able to talk to older women in science, and got a chance to do a little talking about how faith and science might mix. And I also discovered that there are people older than me who still get all excited over interesting bugs or animals at the drop of a hat. I knew I would never outgrow that, so I feel much less of an oddball! ^_^ Thanks to this conference, I also feel much better about my right to be in Biology.

The bug, by the way, is a bona fide stinkbug. ~_^

A Brief Update, Pending More Time

2009-06-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to keep this one short and sweet with a promise that once I meet my July 1st due date I will catch you all up on my very busy life since March. For now I'll just say that this has been a most unusual few months. My entire June has been dedicated to writing forms and throwing fits to get the right people to help me with Animal Care policies, and while it hasn't been super stressful thanks to the prayers of many, it has been a surprise. (June is usually a relatively quiet month for me.) Since I feel kind of guilty over spending any time on my work computer not working on those forms, I don't really hang out at my usual places online, hence the rather odd silence from me. I'm hoping that in a couple of weeks my workload will settle a bit and I'll have the time and energy to do more than just say hi. In the meantime, everyone enjoy their June!

A Short Update From Mexico

2009-03-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

Greetings all! Here's the last 2 weeks in pictures.

For the last month my desk has looked like

(and trust me I felt like this too) as the lab has prepped to attend

So currently I'm surrounded by 40

who are all here to talk about
. Its been very informative for the half of the material I've been able to understand. Not a bad first scientific conference!

In other news, my second wisdom tooth may be coming in. Woot.

Vacation Ate My Brain

2009-02-24T06:45:00.000-08:00

Hey guys!

I may not write all that often here, but I'm glad to find out that this site is serving another purpose other than helping me organize my thoughts...a place for old friends to find me. Hi Jonathan, you rock for tracking Tim and I down after all these years, and without Facebook too! ^_^

So here's the update on life as it currently stands. Fair warning, there's a LOT going on right now. First off, vacation was great! I did spend a fair amount of it in doctors' offices getting pills, tests, and shots, but I'm all set for Mexico now and at least this way I had something to do. I say that because I was about one month early for shopping for plants at the local nurseries, and I didn't go shopping because I was trying to be good. I did play a few hours of video games, but not as much as I thought I would, and I didn't finish up my computer cleaning because the project is just too vast. It'll take me a year, seriously! (Dang it for downloading all those ebooks and game remixes!) I did clean out my attic and move back downstairs, so my loft is ready for crafting/playing whatever, and I did pull out a few more of the toy figures I own to display. But all in all, that was it. By the time two weeks were up I was longing for my regular work routine but dreading the work itself.

I did go on Retreat with the Underground to a cabin up in the mountains, where most of us went skiing or sledding and the rest of us ate food and played Egyptian Ratscrew. Very entertaining. If you want to see pictures, they're up on the Underground Facebook page. I'm just posting this video here because it makes me laugh my head off. (Sorry D!) Its stuff like this that makes a group of people into friends, ya know?

Speaking of church, guess what's responsible for eating up a lot of time and brainpower at the moment! *laugh* I'm in the Membership Class for Cornerstone this semester of Life Pathways and we are currently going through the general doctrinal statement of the Assembly of God denomination. We have just hit...(you guessed it!)...baptism into the Holy Spirit, and the initial physical manifestations thereof! The poor Calvinist in me is sooooo confused. Quite apart from the question of whether I agree with their point of view, I just plain don't understand it! I knew that this issue was going to pop up at some point when I decided to make Cornerstone my church home, but I put off wrestling with it until this class when I could talk to people about it. So, now is the time. My first assignment for myself is to pull out my Strongs and go through the Bible, studying the role of the Holy Spirit throughout Scripture. Then I'm going to buy the book Pastor Mark recommended, read it, and make my own conclusions. Hopefully in time for me to have a class period still available to ask questions. Fortunately it doesn't sound like you have to agree with every little point to be a member of Cornerstone, so I doubt this is going to be a problem for anyone other than me and I'll settle it soon enough.

This week the Choir starts practicing for our Easter production, complete with music and 4-part harmony. We have a book to read for Choir too, one that Pastor Travis says has strongly influenced the way he does things personally. Well, we don't have to read it, but I asked for it when he first came on staff last year and I'm only half done, so I need to finish it. You'll be getting a review on it soon enough, I'm sure. Add to that the Life Journal I'm learning to use and this new lady Bible scholar who spoke a very good word to us on Sunday and I'm eager to read more of, and I've got a VERY full study plate. Its like being back with the Bible profs at GCC!

Which leads me to post a list of books I'm currently reading or will be reading soon, depending on when I receive them in the mail. I will be taking a fair number of these with me to Mexico, I'm thinking.

The Life Journal, created by Wayne Cordeiro
Surprised by the Power of the Spirit, by John Deere
Anonymous, by Alicia Britt Chole
Holy Discontent, by Bill Hybels
At the Bench & At the Helm: A Laboratory Navagator by Kathy Barker
Marketing & Selling Your Handmade Jewelry, by Viki Lareau
The Physics of Baseball, by Dr. Robert K. Adair
various garden books and magazines

Obviously the jewelry and gardening books aren't directly related to church, but it is thanks to Cornerstone that I'm thinking about selling my stuff at all. I would like to do what I can (without making it a second job) to reduce my credit card bill and start making a little more headway in savings. Its really bothering me right now that I'm going to have a number of expenses this year that I can't really absorb into my current income/savings, and I've decided that if God gives the go ahead (and there are plenty of roadblocks to overcome so it will be pretty obvious if He does) I'm going to try out my craft designs at Bowiefest this year in June. Talk about a little freaky!! I basically was thinking about it all during my vacation.

I mentioned Mexico just a minute ago, so I'll explain. This year, my lab is hosting the first ever Astyanax International Meeting for a number of astyanax researchers around the world down in Taninul, Mexico. Taninul is the "hotel" we use as a base camp when we go caving down there. It's pretty nice as far as Mexican hotels go, but it is in the tropical flatlands so there's no Internet, no phone coverage, not a whole lot of technical amenities like the hotels up here, and you may wake up to find a scorpion on the floor or a toilet that overflows (the pipes are pretty old). But the people are polite and kind, and as long as you're not expecting a tourist town (it stands alone in the country, the nearest town is 35 minutes away), its a nice place. I'm starting to think that Bill enjoys quiet, isolated places like this. The Marine station in Roscoff, France is much the same, except for the ghosts.

Anyways, through a number of interesting events the planning and prep for this whole conference has fallen squarely on the shoulders of the boss, myself, and Spela, who is the only one of us who speaks any Spanish. I'm responsible for supplies, technology, contact management, and purchasing, she's been doing the shirts, hotel arrangements, and transportation, and Bill is working on the abstracts, presentations, and general arrangements. I'm excited to attend as this will be my first real scientific conference, but I'm also going to be glad when its all over. The irony of event planning, I know. In the meantime, just because we're hosting a conference doesn't mean that work is off. Bill's got a lot of experiments planned for me to do over the next couple of months as we attempt to start doing work with results again. And in April we're due for the annual fun with DES and IACUC, always a part of my year I look forward to. (Karin, its like May and June for you. Woot.)

So that's what's going on, and what I'll be up to. I do hope to surface enough to be social over the next few months. After all, Spring Training has started and I have to inflict you all with my baseball/softball obsession, just to be consistant you know. ~_^

Redemptive History

2009-02-23T07:33:00.000-08:00

The first dawn of Humanity
A new world, a new life
A new relationship begun

Man and God inside the Garden
Creature and Creator together
Friends enjoying love and peace

“Walk with Me, talk with Me,
Trust in Me, follow My laws.
All-in-one, I will bless you.”

Purity, peace violated
Trust destroyed, infinite pain
A clean slate shattered forever

Costly knowledge, no relief
Eternal death, fear, separation
Friend turned bitter foe: rejection

How can You call torment blessing?

The first light of recovery
An old wall, a new way
A new relationship revealed

Man and God again united
Child and Father now together
Death, a doorway to His arms

“Come to me, be with Me,
Trust in me, for I love you.
In your Brother I will bless you.”

Purity and peace restored,
Trust renewed, infinite love
A slate is healed, made whole again

Sanctified knowledge, true relief
Eternal life, joy, salvation
Enemy made heir to heaven

This is what You meant by blessing.

Once upon a time we walked together.
Now You hold my hand.

I first wrote this my senior year of high school in Bible class, then tweaked it for my Systematic Theology term paper in college. One of the questions I've struggled with my whole life is why God would let His world suffer, regardless of whose fault it is that things are this way. There's no two ways about it, He chose to let man fall. It wasn't until I actually started understanding a bit more about what it means to be "redeemed" that I started finding an answer that settled me.

"Warning"

2009-01-31T07:24:00.000-08:00

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn how to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickles for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for our children.
We will have friends for dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old and start to wear purple.

Jenny Joseph

This, my friends, is the inspiration for The Red Hat Society and the attitude towards aging that my grandmother (and mum) have passed down to me. Since I'm calling all the humor around here "Attack of the Red Hat", I figured I needed to post this at least once for those of you who haven't gone to college with me. Be what you are and go where you're headed, but don't let it all tie you down. ^_^

2009-01-31T06:59:00.000-08:00

Let notice here be served, that I, Amy Parkhurst, am finally taking my Christmas vacation and will be MIA from the internet for two glorious weeks! I will visit my doctors and see my family. I will clean up my attic and finally put away my Christmas tree. I will plan my porch veggie garden, attempt to clean up my computer files, and after I've been a good girl and done all the things I need to do, I will play hours of video games to make up for what I haven't been doing the last 3 months! *cheers*

Unless the weather forbids, I will have to go into work for one late evening to teach the kids how to do in vitro fertilzation of the fish, but that's unavoidable due to the schedule of the semester and in reality no tech can get off scott free for 2 weeks without some sort of compromise. -_-

As for what I've been doing up to this point, besides working, I had an excellent visit with Karin and Jessie 2 weeks ago! We had a lot of fun mall trolling and all of us ended up with at least one purchase, shoes in my case. We were debating about having a cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory, but at some point we decided to take pity on Adrian who was watching the girls at home alone for the first time and brought some home instead. He did very well for his first time, I think. And Jessie sounds like she's ready to push for some non-kid personal time herself, so I feel free to kidnap her more often now. I've been laying off until she herself was ready for it. The weekend ended up being so successful that we girls are looking to plan another one sometime soon, maybe up closer to Karin's place this time. Anyone know what's fun to do between Bowie and Phillie?

Last weekend the Cornerstone Worship Choir gave its first "performance" for One Night and the Sunday morning services. I'm rather enjoying this! We had practice for 3 hours on Saturday and then sang the actual service for 1.5, which barely left me with a voice for Sunday morning but it was worth it. I did, however, use up most of my honey drinking cups of tea trying to sooth the vocal cords. I need to sing a LOT more in the car between One Nights, I think. Like PT said, things are just starting out and we'll probably be working the kinks out for months, but the feeling of singing harmony with a group of good singers to just create this fullness of sound, it's unparalleled! And definately one of my favorite parts of worship. We'll be starting work on the actual Easter production soon, so with Life Pathways classes starting up this week I am going to be seriously busy. ^_^

As I'm writing this update, I'm currently hanging out on a couch at my brother's place. He's still asleep at the moment, but he really worked hard this week so I'm not going to bother him. I had dinner over at his girlfriend's place last night and wouldn't you know it, she and I both like hanging candlebra on our walls! I really like her taste in interior decorating, it feels fashionable but comfy. I'm afraid I put a large dent in the jigsaw puzzle the two of them are working on, I hope they don't mind. I'm just really good at that sort of thing. ^_^; She'll be coming over today to watch West Virginia play basketball, which will be fun. I always like watching sports with people who enjoy it. I'll go to church with them tomorrow morning (Tim's back on Worship Team, which is awesome!) and then Tim will have theology class at 3pm so I'll drive back up to Bowie to make the Underground Superbowl Party at 5:30. I don't know who I'm going to root for, though I'd root against the Steelers just because Adrian is so avid in his support for them.

And that's it for now! I'll write about the saga of the Astyanax Meeting next time, I don't want to worry about it on vacation.

Ever Upward

2009-01-26T08:57:00.000-08:00

BEHOLD;
I see thee on a giant hill,
strewn with rock and tree
to block thy way.
Thy living here is not in vain,
thy climbing every day
is morning spent for good -
continue on thy way.
Thy opinion lasts;
when thou art gone,
Thy efforts will be known
to others as they climb
and make the climbing better,
in another place and time.

Fear not this life as thou must live;
be joyous when you see
a hill to climb -
start moving rock and tree.
It might well be in another time,
this hill was climbed by me.
Perhaps I failed to reach the top -
and rock still barred thy way;
Remove the rock
- continue on -
there’s no time for delay.

Thy God has placed the rock and tree
the value to uplift;
a climbing journey burdens thee
in search of HIS great gift.
The pride of self –
a worthy goal,
so climb in effort day by day.
The hill cannot be conquered when climbed with feet of clay.

H.O. Hobson

This poem was written by my great Uncle for my Mum when she was my age and at a similar stage in life. She gave it to me when I was in college and I've held onto it very carefully since then. Its one of my personal favorites.

2009-01-13T08:27:00.000-08:00

I am alive (mostly)!!

I apologize to those of you who have not yet received my Christmas letter. Working over the holidays while actually having a holiday has made it difficult to find time to use the internet, and so all of your addresses and Facebook notes have not been sorted through yet at this time. I am happy to report that so far I am having a much better January than usual. Despite the normal trouble with the lack of sun and cold, Cornerstone and my friends have been keeping me busy so I've had no time to go off and mope by myself. Worship choir has officially started for the year, Karin is going to come shopping with Jessie and I, the Ravens and the Steelers play each other this Sunday, the Inauguration is coming, the New Membership class starts in two weeks, and the Underground go on retreat in three. I am most happily exhausted.

Its also getting to be around that time for me to think about training for softball. My small stint of scrubbing fish tanks lately has me convinced that my stamina needs a serious boost. Unfortunately I'm a totally wuss when it comes to running outdoors and I have no money for a gym membership, so I'm trying to get creative. Anyone have any bright ideas out there?

The coworkers are slowly returning to the US after spending the holidays overseas. Masato came back very cheerful for a man with jetlag from Japan and 3 weeks of caring for the kids all by himself over there. I take it that the family was doing well. Spela should be flying in today, so hopefully we will see her tomorrow. Bill made a short jaunt to Woods Hole, but for the most part has been in the area working on something related to papers, presentations, or the conference we're hosting in March down in Mexico. Its just about time to go visit the bats again! :D

I myself am hoping to take my actual holiday vacation during the first two weeks of February. In typical Parkhurst fashion I'll be spending this week making doctor appointments for that time. Gotta get it done sometime. I also need to go see my dentist and talk about my wisdom teeth. I may have to get them pulled sooner rather than later, no matter how much I think I'd rather keep them.

I've started posting some of the backup of poems I've had on my computer, take some time to peruse them if you like poetry. And the latest flash of Armchair Theology is also below. I've been trying to get them up for a month now, despite the holiday chaos. I hope you enjoy them!

~Amy

An Exercise in Logic

2009-01-13T08:09:00.000-08:00

The following "essay" comes from a discussion I recently had over with some people at the jCafe Forum. I've spent half a year just hanging out with them, but things took a more serious turn over the holidays when one of the members posted a more serious thread about stuff he was going through at the time. Maybe because we've all been laughing together, all of us have found the forum to be a relaxing place to go despite the rough stuff in our lives. Anyways, this topic came up as part of the thread and I wanted to post it here, because I believe its something a lot of us struggle with, saved or not. I haven't exactly asked his permission to post his portion of this on my blog, but I think he'll forgive me.
------------

HiddenKaos:

Thus far no one has explained to me how an all knowing all loving being would allow a being such as Lucifer to exist. Allowing free will is one thing, allowing a creature to exist AND allowing that creature to corrupt the being he made in his own image doesn't seem exactly benevolent to me. And if he is indeed all knowing, then one would have to surmise he saw the outcome and allowed it.

mbiogirlumd:

As for your point about Lucifer and God allowing evil in the world:

A lot of people get stuck on that point, and to be honest I can't really say there's any one particularly right answer, because that perspective of God usually comes from something you've experienced as well as from a logical point of view (at least it did for me, and for most of the people I've met). So I'll give you what I think is a logical reply, but I don't know if it will really do much for you. To know "why" someone did something is entirely different from feeling ok about it. So the best answer to your question may be "I don't know".

I don't know, but I can guess. The first problem is that God is a different kind of being than humans. He has to be, or else He is not "God". I'm used to thinking of people in shades of good or evil, and trying not to define them in absolutes because that is too simple for them. But everything about God is absolute, because He defines things simply by existing. That means that I can take some absolute concepts and use them as a basis for understanding, concepts like God is the moral standard by which creation is defined, that He is the Ultimate in Goodness, that He is the best of everything that exists and so is NOT selfish when it comes to expecting worship, that He defines the concept of relationship, all of that besides what you mentioned before. So then why did He make the world, or angels? He doesn't need it to exist, but I believe that He made the world as an expression of Himself and who He is, much like an artist paints a picture. If then He is the best of everything (which follows because He made everything), than everything in the world would not be able to help themselves, they would have to acknowledge it in response to His existence.

But if He left it at that, I think it would be too one-sided. A perfect world that can't help but praise Him and has no choice in the matter, all that proves is that He's more powerful than everything and can make puppets. It would be like listening to compliments on a tape recorder over and over again, with no meaning or relationship behind it. For God's worth to be truly displayed, something would have to have the ability to choose to say, "Yes, you are the best of everything." At that point, God being the BEST of everything starts to mean something, because the chooser has an experiential reason to decide between one side or the other.

That's why I believe He created us in His image. Aside from what He made us to do, we have the ability to know Him relationally, a side of Him that wasn't expressed entirely before we were made, and we have the ability to choose Him over all other things in existence as the best. That ability does come with some issues though. The biggest obstacle is that whenever humans are given a choice in something, we always use our experience to evaluate the options. Without experience or values or desires, there is no difference for us between two options and so no real meaning in choosing one over the other. We basically become cosmic coin flips if something doesn't give meaning to our will.

The downside of giving free will to created creatures is that they can also NOT choose you. Anything that is NOT God or from God, anything that goes against who He is will result in the opposite, what we call evil. If this world existed outside of God somehow, that wouldn't be a problem, but because everything that has been made was made according to His rules and along with His nature, NOT choosing to follow Him causes pain, horrible brokenness, and death. We experience it interacting with the world outside of ourselves (floods, famines, all the natural tragedies we can't control), when interacting with each other, and even within ourselves. We basically destroy ourselves by pulling ourselves apart: our physical matter is operating according to God's rules, but the rest of us isn't.

I agree that God knew that was going to happen if He created beings with free will. He has to be a being that exists outside of time, or else He isn't God, after all. I don't think it was a problem for Him, because there is are sides of Him that come out because of the situation. The fact that He can and does have the right to judge evil, for example, or the fact that He has an absolute hatred for sin. But the more important result of this situation is that God has the opportunity to demonstrate in action just how deep His love goes, and just how powerful He is. By allowing us to hate Him, and then doing everything in His power to change our minds such as becoming one of us and dying in our place, we now have an experiential reason to say "Yes, You are the best." Now we don't have to just take it as part of the way things are, now we can actually incorporate it as part of our experience and as such use it to give our ability to choose a meaning.

Of course Jesus dying and rising again doesn't stop all the pain in the world from occurring, and it doesn't stop people from physically dying, not yet anyways. A lot of people ask "Well, why doesn't He just stop everything that's wrong right now?" I think that it has to do with the fact that God wants to show another part of Himself, His power over all the damage evil does. We know that if there is a beginning of time, there's going to be an end. Until that end comes, God is working in the world in the lives of people to overcome evil and the destruction it causes. Will there be wars? Sure. And will people get hurt and die? Absolutely. We live in a world where we can still choose His way or our way, remember? But God is so powerful that no matter how bad it gets, He can heal, He can restore, He can protect, and He can triumph. So when everything is done at the end of time, God will of been tested and proven in all situations to be powerful, faithful, and I'll even say loving.

Looking at it from that point of view, that means that whether I like it or not God's main interest in me and the rest of humanity is not exactly ME. The whole point of history is for someone who is able to choose to willing say that He really is the best of everything, because He's given them an experiential reason to say so. I believe that because He is the best, He wants everyone to experience who He is, but because we must be able to choose He will not just let all of humanity go unpunished for rebellion. Otherwise He negates any meaning in condemning evil. On the other hand He is working to give everyone a chance to acknowledge Him at least once in their lives, and whether they do or not He's still sustaining the world and its rules of operation, allowing them to live.

---end of theology lesson---

To be honest, there are parts of this logic that I find very difficult. Just because I can put together a framework that makes sense doesn't mean that I like it, or that I really feel any better about my place in the whole thing. Really I'd much rather know if God cares about me as an individual, and if He really knows what's going on in my life and will do something about it. Even becoming a Christian doesn't change that, and personally I think that's fine. A God that doesn't let me experience who He is, is a God I can't trust.

There you have it. I would be interested in hearing the opinions of anyone who actually reads my blog on the topic. Putting all of that into words actually helped me as much as I think it helped Kaos out, at least he has something he can think about. Sometimes the overemphasis on logic in the scientific field can do some good in ways I don't expect, as long as I don't make it the end of all things.

Creed

2009-01-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

I believe in God the One and Only,
    Almighty Creator of the Universe,
    Father of the Trinity,
    Holy and Righteous Judge of my soul.

I believe in the fallen state of Man,
    The created image of God corrupted,
    His guiltiness in the light of the Word,
    His helplessness before the wrath of God.

I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ,
    The infinite God-Man, Son of the Father,
    Born to the Virgin Mary,
    The only Way, Truth, and Life.

I believe in the saving work of Christ,
    His sinless life on earth under the Law,
    His death on a cross for the sake of sinners,
    His resurrection on the third day unto life and glory.

I believe in the Holy Spirit,
    Mover of men's hearts,
    Revealer of the secrets of God,
    Comforting Counselor of the Christian.

I believe in one holy catholic church,
    The invisible kingdom of God,
    Chosen as His beloved elect,
    Justified and sanctified by the work of Christ.

I believe that my Lord is coming again.
    He will judge this world.
    He will condemn the guilty.
    He will receive unto Himself His saints
    And I will be with Him in glory for all eternity.

"Amen! Come, Lord Jesus!" Revelation 22:20b

   This poem was written for Bible Class my senior year of high school. I forget the assignment, but it takes its inspiration from Rich Mullins' song Creed.

2008-12-04T12:22:00.000-08:00

This was in my inbox this morning and I couldn't stop laughing. It's soooo cute! Especially when I think that my Dad used to teach kids his age. ^_^

Alec Greven talks about his new book, How To Talk To Girls

2008-11-26T14:37:00.000-08:00

Whooof!!

(That's the sound of someone collapsing on a moderately stuffed sofa, BTW.) So! Since my last update so much has happened that I honestly want a 3-day nap session. Visiting family is wonderful but exhausting. I can see why if you don't live with them every day you tend to just stay for a week or so and then want another vacation when you get home. There's a major tendency to pack too much into that short period of time because you know you won't have them around for very long, and at the end of it you're like "Ugh, I love you but go home already". ^_^ Sound familiar to anyone else out there?

Mum arrived safely and was a great sport about me working while she was here. We balanced things rather well by having one day of activity followed by a day of mostly loafing. She got thru it all with a smile, for which I'm really glad. I ate better than I usually do and we discovered that (of course) a major part of why my digestive system kicks me in the spleen is because my diet is singularly lacking in veggies and fresh fruits. I knew I was a horrid cook, but I didn't think it was that bad. At this rate I'm going to have to end up planning my meals for a change. *shivers* Tim came up for a weekend to visit my shiny new Assembly of God church and wasn't freaked, which I took to be a compliment on my choice of worship homes. We all had lots of great conversation too, and I got really tired of talking. (Just imagine! *laugh*)

Once Gen made it in to town we headed down to spend a few days with Tim and his roomies, which was a lot of fun. At first it was "Oh, only 4-5 of my friends will show up." Ha! We ended up with at least 15 fun-loving people who kept me up past midnight and introduced Mum and Gen to the Wii. That was a total hoot! Wii Sports might actually be something they could play together without Mum feeling too awful and Gen hurting her shoulder too much. Seriously, I want one now. *drools* But a new TV comes first. On Sunday we visited Tim's church and headed up to Jos. A Banks to get Tim a grand new business suit. Its kinda cool that I've got a bro who actually has an excuse to shop there. Tim the businessman! ^_^

Then on Monday (Nov. 17) we ladies cooked up a traditional Meleagris gallopa meal for the masses while Tim was at work, complete with Gen's special stuffing and plenty of pie. I remembered all over again why I stay out of the kitchen when those two are cooking and totally stuffed myself. Then on Tuesday before they left, they insisted that I set up my apartment for Christmas since I'd already had Thanksgiving. *laugh* Hard to argue that one, so I'm already in the Christmas mode, which is probably a good thing considering how long it takes me to get Christmas cards out the door. ;-p I'm just not saying it too loudly around Jessie since she insists that the Christmas season can't start until after her birthday on December 2.

Once my family got safely home, my work life decided to riot. This time around it isn't anything I feel I can't handle, just things that are a pain to deal with. One of our -80F freezers went down and we scrambled to find other places to store all our crude. The upside of this is that Bill decided to help me clean out all that crude and so our inventory is considerably lightened as of this afternoon. (His printer is still on the fritz and won't behave anywhere near predictably, of course.) As a result of all the cleaning I now have 5 bags worth of stuff to autoclave and dispose of, and 3-4 days of boxes/glassware/random implements of scientific investigation to wash and dry. Coupled with the usual holiday fishcare, I'm drowning in chores around here. Oh well!

I'm hoping that even though I'll have to work thru the holiday season and care for other people's stuff while they travel that I won't get too grumpy while doing it. I usually end up taking my time off in February once everyone gets back, but that's a long time to work while not everyone else is. Even the most well-meaning of folks can get grumpy doing that, I know, so I won't beat myself up too much about it. And I certainly have plenty of holiday stuff to do between cards and shopping and visits and such. I'm determined not to miss anything just because I'm scrubbing fish tanks, and to enjoy Christmas as much as I can. It is one of my most favorite times of year after all.

Other things that make me happy are planning a day to hang out with Jessie and Karin, doing the traditional shopping trip with Laura Linehan in a couple weekends, hanging with the Linehan/Leydorf crew for Thanksgiving (and eating more Meleagris gallopa), the release of a new Kingdom Hearts game in a week, and the fact that Moyashimon the manga will be released by Del Rey next year! If you ever wondered if its possible to write an interesting story around microbes that doesn't involve murder, oh yes it is. ^_^

2008-11-10T08:33:00.001-08:00

Its November and that means the holiday season has officially begun (for me anyways)!

It has been busy busy busy the past few weeks! I'll do my best to give the highlights, but I may leave something out. To start with, work has been consistently motoring along since the 3rd week of October. I was doing one ascidian experiment a week for Bill until last week when he laid down the law and said "Finish counting those tastebuds NOW!" Heh. So, I did. And rather handily too, just in time for my mom to come out from California to visit my brother and I for 2 weeks or so. Unfortunately, the tastebuds didn't end on a good note despite my great efforts. The numbers look rather wierd on the F2 group, but its Bill's headache for now. He may ask me to go back and do more, he may not. I'm waiting around to see. But its probably back to ascidian work for the forseeable future.

In other lab news we're probably going to have a surprise Chemical Safety inspection sooner rather than later and that means I have to find time to clean out a fume hood and do inventory on all our stuff. Woot.

For Halloween I was press-ganged by some of the older ladies in the church into service for Cornerstone's annual Harvest Festival. It actually was a lot of fun working with them serving drinks, popcorn, and hot dogs to all the families that came for the night. I think we had over 1500 people attend. Its quite something. The Underground (20-somethings) group had a Masquerade party the Sunday before and we all dressed up. Pastor David and Renae pulled off Shaggy and Velma, it was awesome! We also had a geshia, a gangster, a sumo wrestler, Evil Red Riding Hood (complete with wolf head in basket and knife), and a #1 Guana Soccer Fan. I saw Michael Jackson's Thriller for the first time in my life, and was moderately amused. (All I could think of was watching Captain EO at Disneyland, that and the Moonwalker video game was my sole exposure to Michael Jackson as a kid.)

Jessie came over for a visit with her youngest kid, Lindsey (who now crawls over everything) just before Adrian's birthday to get advice on buying a PS2. We had a great time chatting and now Adrian is happily working his way through FFX. ^_^ Also I started prep work for distributing some of the wire jewelry I've been learning to make to the general public. A lot of the ladies at church like the wire ear bangle I discovered at Otacon, so I've learned how to make those now. If I actually do start selling anything, the design name of course is going to be "Amy's Oddiments". After all why mess with a good name?

As I mentioned earlier, my mum is out visiting me for the next couple of weeks and I am just thrilled about it! This is kind of her present for Tim and I this year, since neither of us can make it home for Christmas. This weekend, Tim drove up and spent Saturday and Sunday with us, and we all talked until the wee hours about everything. Boy am I tired!! I always forget that visiting family can take it out of you, especially if you haven't seen each other in person for a while. Tim is working hard and has been taking this neat theology class that he really is getting into. Through our conversations this weekend it was interesting to see just how different the two of us are. We are good for each other, we each have to learn how to listen and talk to a person different from ourselves. And since we're siblings, we can't give up on learning, especially because we are all the family each of us has out here in Maryland.

There are other things going on at church and such that I'll post about in a bit, but they all are making me think so I don't want to talk about them as news. For those of you who write back and forth with me, be prepared to see the semi-annual Update Your Address email from me soon. Its about time for the yearly Struggle of the Christmas Cards. ^_^ Later!

2008-10-23T12:29:00.000-07:00

Here's a walk down memory lane for those of you who went to college with me. This song kept us amused for months! Nice to know its not a unique phenomenon. ~_^

2008-10-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

This was Daniel's comment about the debate last night, and I am highly amused!

Its been a full two weeks since I last posted, and I can't remember all the details to put them here, but I will fill you in on some of the more memorable things I've been up to. First off, Bill has me working once again on staining adult ascidian tissue with antibodies to see if we can stain some of the nerves. This is a "project" that we've been working on for about a year now, and things come in bits and pieces. The procedure takes me 3 days. Right now, I'm working on the third day of the second run of this experiment, and since Day 3 is full of washes I can't really do anything else but focus on the samples and goof off in the 15 minute bits in between. A full day of 15 minute bits can be tiring. Anyways we're hoping to get some good photos out of this run.

We had a breeding week last week where the fish actually spawned well, but for whatever reason no one used any of the embryos. *argh* Its weird how people complain and then don't plan for the results when I do something about it. Our color printer died and is in the shop. I'm buying a second one for Bill so he has something to work with if this happens again, and bothering the repair guys until we get it back (they've had it over a week now). As a result I've also cleaned up and sorted out the computer room: I'm still in the middle of deposing our old equipment that piled up over time, but it looks so much better now. And so much more managable. And we've started the planning for the Astyanax meeting we're hosting in March down in Mexico. I might have to build a webpage, I'm kind of hoping not though. I don't have the coding experience to set up a secure service for collecting registration payments over the web. *meep!*

Cornerstone is gearing up for the first part of its busy Holiday season with sign-ups for Harvest Festival. I'm seriously thinking of helping out there since its on a Friday night. Underground (that's the new name for the 20-Somethings group) is going to a corn maze this Saturday and hosting a Masquerade party in two Sundays from now. *grin* Actually PD has been calling me "White Mage" ever since he found my Otakon pictures. I'm highly amused! ^_^ I'm also giving rides to church to Miss Virginia who lives in the Senior Apartments not too far from my place, and my Reaching Outward class just finished this past Wednesday night. Next week I'm going to join the Financial Freedom class I think.

So between all that and work, I've been keeping myself pretty busy. I was coming down with a cold last weekend, but I think I drowned it out in the 14 cups of green tea I consumed over those 2 days. As a surprise on me I think I've been having caffeine headaches this week. Not really sure though. And is anyone else having a hard time getting up in the morning without the sun?! I'm not depressed, but I'm sure sluggish in the mornings. Wow.

2008-09-30T05:53:00.000-07:00

Blogspot's a little slow this morning, I don't know why.

Well the latest news on the home front is that my glasses have now faded to the point where I am physically having trouble: dry eyes, headaches, no depth perception, stomach problems, sleep problems, etc. The situation has not deteriorated anywhere near the point I hit about 2-3 years ago with this fortunately, and my backups are already mailed to my father in CA where he will take them to the Irlen clinic and get them to boost the tint back up. I'm still safe driving and work is still possible (though more difficult of course), but why did my glasses have to go while I'm trying to finish my tastebud counts?! Its already hard enough looking through a microscope for 3+ hours in a row. *pbbbt*

Last night Danny, Luke, Kendrick and I went out to dinner/dessert to celebrate Kendrick traveling to Germany tomorrow. He's going as part of an Intervarsity outreach program there and I'm happy to say he reached his funding goals so he can go sooner rather than later. I'm really looking forward to what the Lord is going to do over there through him and how he's going to grow. He's been waiting a long time for this opportunity. 'Course we're all going to miss him horribly, but right now I'm just feeling more excited than bummed. Knock 'em dead, General! ^_^

My big bay window has started leaking again and this time Chris and I are serious about getting it fixed for good, so it looks like an adventure is beginning. I don't know how long its going to take before the problem is finally solved, but I'm getting really tired of having water dripping on my desk and computer. Ah household problems.

I uploaded some new pictures on Photobucket from the Mexico caving trip this past March so I can share some of the trip with everyone. Sorry its so late.

This is the team that went down to central Mexico in front of the hotel we used as our base. From the left front is Masato, me, Dan from American University and Spela. Behind Masato is Ed, Jon, Megan, Katarina, my boss Bill, and Jack. Ed, Masato, and Spela are my labmates and none of us have much if any caving experience. Everyone else are fellow collaborators and cavers from the Caving and Drinking Club Bill is a member of here in D.C. and they are all very experienced in difficult cave climbs and rescues. They all research some cave animal or insect. But most of all, they are all a lot of fun!

This here is a cavefish in its natural habitat. I forget which cave this is from at the moment, unfortunately. Being blind, these fish are naturally attracted to disturbances in the water which usually for them means that something they can eat has dropped in. They come investigating on their own, which makes them a lot easier to catch then their surface cousins. Ah, the best bait we've found so far for either fish is fresh corn tortillas. ^_^

This is Dan, Megan, and Katarina working with cavefish in one of the caves we visited. Our goal this trip was not to bring any fish back to the US with us, but rather to take fin clips to extract DNA from when we got home. Kat and Megan are part of a project working on dating the age of the earth from the different points of view of several science disciplines. Their part of it is to construct a molecular clock using the divergence of the various cavefish in Mexico from the surface fish ancestors as a base. But to do that, we needed a lot more DNA samples from a lot more caves than we had available here in the US, hence the need for a trip.

This pic is probably going to scare my parents (sorry!) but here's me in a cave. I didn't go down very far into this one since we had a couple of other amateurs with us at the time and I didn't want to slow the team down even more. The ladder is one of several ways you can descend into a cave, but is usually the one that requires the least equipment and so is the easiest for newbies to use. The drop was only about 20 feet so it wasn't that high at all. I stayed up at the top lip and took pictures. Or rather, Dan took this one of me. ^_^ He's threatening to make a caver out of me yet. I'm fine with that as long as he doesn't mind that I'm timid when I don't have experience with something. I get over it soon enough.

2008-09-22T13:01:00.001-07:00

First, a shout-out to Pastor David for actually wanting to track down my blog to look at a possible rival for the Masquerade. He's just awesome like that, so I'll make it easier and give the link he'll need here. And Donatello rocks!! ^_^

Second, a shout-out to Cornerstone for hosting the first ever sermon I've heard on spiritual warfare that didn't diminish it down to just the struggle with our human nature. And it didn't go overboard either with wild descriptions of battles with demons or spiritual fervor and whatnot. I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to hear something balanced like that from the pulpit and not just from the personal experience of mature believers. People, the church needs to proclaim the reality that when it comes to the spiritual world, we are neither to fear it or freak over it. It is as real as the seat you place your rear on, just not in the same way. And it is connected to our physical world in ways we don't understand or expect, which is totally fine! After all, humans are also spiritual/physical beings, that's what uniquely qualifies us for being God's image in this physical world. So the spiritual side of things must also be there and our actions in this physical world affect it, just as Paul says in Ephesians 6 when he points out that we don't fight against flesh and blood but against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. By the same token, the spiritual world can affect us more than we give it credit for, like in Daniel's experience with the angel Gabriel who told him the answer to his prayers was delayed because of a battle in the spiritual realm. The key is to learn to recognize when something in your life is under attack, and then know what your resources are in fighting it.

I wish I could like the sermon here for your listening pleasure, but for right now there are no Cornerstone sermons online, so you'll have to make do with my faulty memory. The four things that the speaker pointed out as our resources were 1) the power of the name of Jesus, and there really is power there. We don't really understand this too well here in America, or at least I don't. Its something for me to chew on, but I can't deny that its there. 2) the Word of Truth, the Bible. How do we know what God thinks of us, what He wants us to do, and what He's promised? Why, He told us, didn't He? And He did it in a way that we can actually physically hold the words in our hands. How's that for a spiritual/physical link! 3) the blood of the Cross, the blood that was shed and saves us, restores us, heals us, and covers us just like the Passover tradition. Now this I understand much better, because thanks to the blood I am in a different relationship with God than I was before He saved me, and I have different privileges, standings, everything. 4) the presence of the Holy Spirit. The seven sons of Sceva are a great example of the need for this. They had the other 3 down right: they knew there was power in the name of Jesus, they knew the Scriptures of their day, and they understood that the blood of Christ changed something, but they didn't know God personally! They didn't have His Spirit living inside of them, connecting them to the Living Vine. So of course they got their butts kicked and humiliated by the very man they were trying to "save". Its the same with us. Without the Spirit breathing God's life into us, we've got only knowledge, and it doesn't matter how much a corpse knows because in the end it still is a corpse.

I really wish I could share the sermon with you guys. There was a lot to chew on, and I think it was presented in the right way because it made me think more about Kingdom building, even if I felt weird at parts. I'm a good American myself, there's plenty of materialism in me such that thinking about the spiritual world kind of makes me uncomfortable. But uncomfortable or not, if its Biblical, then I need to adjust my thinking.

2008-09-09T05:41:00.000-07:00

Let the fight for balance begin!! Ha!

Well in the usual predictable fashion, the week before I take a vacation is shaping up to be totally out of proportion as far as stuff to get done goes. Masato's wife has given birth to their second child, catching him totally off-guard (even though all of us were warning him that yes, if the baby has already dropped there's no way she's going to wait until the 18th to be born!) and the rest of us scrambling to catch his work load. As a result I did get to meet a new friend and colleague by the name of Joanna who is just starting out on an Astyanax research project for her masters, but it made yesterday very interesting. Today looks to be no exception. Even if I weren't trying to leave for a week, I'd be up to my ears in stuff marked "to be done ASAP!!!!" And the fish system sprang a leak yesterday, and its a breeding week, and this and that and you get the idea.

I'm actually surprised that I'm not spazzing out yet. This could be due to the frappicinos I've been consuming everyday (a method I don't resort to unless things are dire), or to some measure of grace I wasn't expecting. I plan to make use of it whichever it is. I certainly need all the help I can get. Come Friday I'm fully looking forward to sleeping through my weekend and watching mass quantities of Murder She Wrote. Nothing like a little murder mystery to take your mind of things. ^_~

2008-09-02T06:58:00.000-07:00

I have an older neighbor by the name of Ms. Dorothy who lives on the bottom floor of my condo unit. She's 92, and I talk to her on and off whenever I'm home during the day. She's really sweet. Sadly about a week ago she suffered a minor stroke and is currently in rehab. I know her children to a certain extent and am watching her apartment for them until Ms. Dorothy recovers, since I live right there. I got to talking to her son-in-law Lee this weekend when he came to pick up her mail, and almost the first thing he said about her was that she's really worried about being a burden to her kids, because her body is getting old and not working as well as it used to. I've heard her mention this before, and you know, it struck me as kind of sad that she feels that way so strongly.

Its not that I don't understand why she might. After all, as an adult with children, she's been supporting herself and them for the majority of her life, and the idea of losing that independence probably really bothers her. It sure bothered my grandfather. I guess when you are a parent, its really hard to switch out of provider mode. Its part of what makes you a parent after all. I also understand that a lot of older people feel like they don't want to "hold their kids back" by "inconveniencing" them or placing a financial burden on them. For my generation, by the time our parents start to need some extra help we're having kids of our own to take care of, and our parents probably sympathize with how hard that can be. But now that my own parents are getting older, and most of my grandparents have passed on, I really think that by keeping us at a distance from their "weakness" and needs, older people are doing us a disservice.

Think about it. For most of us, growing up was a time where we were pretty self-centered. We had to be, since we were still figuring out who that self was. Once we graduated into the working world and started our careers, we tended to be self-centered because laying the foundations for standing on our own takes a lot of time and effort. If we got married, about the time we felt comfortable with our living patterns, most of us started having kids. And young kids take a lot of our time. Then comes the teenage years, the mid-life crisis, the college fund, and the weddings. Really, if older people try to keep us out of their lives for our "own good", what reason would we ever have to think outside of ourselves? What chance would we have to give back to those who've invested so much in us? And what opportunity would we have to interact with them and benefit from their own life experiences? Its a real tragedy to allow ourselves to push away our older folk, or let them do the same "for our own good", it really is.

I've lived my own life up 'till this point with the view that it is an honor to reach old age. So many people never get that opportunity. In my family, thankfully I've had plenty of examples of the value older people have, and what riches they can bring to the lives of others just by being "old". After all, God willing I myself will be old one day, I benefit no one if I deny that or the changes in my body and mind it will bring. I can't forget that no matter how "independent" I get I still need and depend on other people. I can't forget that the whole point of becoming "independent" is so that I have something to give other people. I can't forget that this life is hard, and my strength alone won't help me live it. Humanity itself is a social organism, and if you take away an aspect of that society the whole being suffers for its loss.

At the same time that I write this, my aunt is struggling to take care of her own mother who suffers from dementia and probably Alzheimer's. Her mom is very messed up, very angry and unfortunately abusive. Its probably easier for me to see some of the good things that have come out of my aunt's faithful care of her mom than it is for her, because I'm 3000 miles away and don't deal with it every day. But even her mom's life is adding value to my aunt's and through her, to mine. Without her mom having trouble like this, my mum and I would never of talked about what we would do if something like this happens to her. We still talk about it, because there are no easy answers. But the one answer we have come up with is to promise each other that Mum is not to feel bad about needing me should the case arise. We will work through it together. I haven't had the same convo with my dad and step-mom yet, but its probably coming. And sooner or later I'm going to have to talk to my brothers about it too. But at least I know that getting old is not something we should be afraid of, for ourselves or for our parents. Just like they walked through our childhood with us, we get to walk through old age with them. And we'll all be stronger for it, because we won't be alone.

2008-08-26T10:43:00.000-07:00

So the last two weeks haven't been very easy for me, not necessarily because work in and of itself has been hard, but because of some lessons I am having to learn. And as usual, the medium is my job. Supposing you found out in a rather round-about way that things in your boss's life have changed in the past year or so. And while in general you believe that your boss's life is his own personal business, having an idea that these changes were going on would explain a lot about why his work patterns have changed and as a result, yours as well. Additionally if those changes plugged into places where you yourself have problems trusting or talking to people in general, all of a sudden you'd feel not just uninformed or taken by surprise, but also unable to communicate well.

I'm learning to think that whether its fair or not, you have to be wise and gentle in the way you work with people, especially if they aren't Christians and don't share my worldview in some capacity. You need to protect your own boundaries, but not tear down or obstruct their efforts. But I'm not used to thinking too much about how my boss's personal life would affect my job and maybe even if I continue to have one. To me, a boss is a consistent entity, not someone who's whims I just have to deal with to the best of my ability or get fired. I've worked as a receptionist for long enough that I've even seen bosses come and go, but I've never thought that my tenure or security was dependent upon their personal stability. Of course, that kind of job is not quite the same as being a personal assistant in a small business. So much more of your life affects your work when your company is not big enough to hold the framework of positions for itself. But its a kind of vulnerability I really don't like. And I hate having the concept snuck up on me like this. For a whole weekend I was really freaking out about how I don't have enough in my savings yet to cover me for a bit if I lose my job. My budget is that close-fitting most of the time.

Probably as a direct result, I'm much more angry than I give myself credit for, and mostly with my boss. This whole thing is like having the rug yanked out from under my feet in some respects. And right now he's out of the country, not coming back until the first day of school, so there are a ton of things that I can't be proactive about. When he gets here, I'll be reacting like crazy, and I also really hate doing that. Unfortunately, I can't figure out if this whole mess is something I can really talk to him about, because the wise moves really seem to be more my responsibility than his. He's also not a Christian, so there's no discussion between equals on spiritual matters that might relate to this. There is probably something I could say about the lack of information coming down the pike, but the question there is how and when to say that. Depending on how he's handling things right now, something he normally wouldn't react to could totally set him off.

In the middle of all of this, I need to get on with my job. September - mid-November is a busy time of year at a University like it or not. And now that the microscope is fixed, I can't go on vacation until my tastebud counts are done. (Boy do I need one!!) I'm probably going to be a serious crab for a while, I just hope it won't mess things up too much.

2008-08-14T06:10:00.001-07:00

Believe it or not, this actually my first real post on this blog. Everything else was moved and compiled from various other blogs, websites, and files that I've had scattered over the internet for years. Now that Blogging sites have become mainstream and have for the most part become very easy to use, there is no real reason for me to keep trying to come up with code of my own when I'm not very good at it. I can save my efforts for the lab webpage which is in dire need of an upgrade. Eh heh.

I'll be add a few more things from my backlog as I find the time this month - old poems, notes, things like that. After that is finished though I'm hoping to start using this more often to keep all of my friends and family up to date. With my job being the kind that it is, I spend a lot of time and energy in just a couple of locations, and don't often have the spare gumption to reach out to you all. But I haven't forgotten about you, and as much as possible I would like to share my world, especially since (as my mum tells me) I don't really talk about it enough. When your mum says something like that, you should probably listen. ^_^

For the latest activity I've been up to, you'll have to go read the post over at my other blog, Amy's Oddiments. I decided to split off my hobbies from this site because if I combined them all together, it'd be one unmanageable mess. (I'm all about better management these days.) Going to Otakon with some of my friends was a treat for me in the middle of a tough work month. Right now, I'm the only staff member here at the Jeffery Lab, and while that's nice in the sense that I'm not trying to keep up with 5 people at once, its hard because I'm babysitting all of their animals and projects while they are gone. August is turning out to be an unpredictable month in my work calendar, usually I'm doing this sort of thing over the Christmas holidays. o_O

I'm not sure how much of my research projects I'm allowed to talk about on here since this is a public domain, but what I can talk about I will. This month, I am working to count tastebuds in 6-day-old fish fry. I've done this sort of work before, but only on the upper lip after I removed the lower jaw. This time around we want to count tastebuds on the lower lip too so I have to be extra careful when removing the jaw that I don't tear anything I'm not supposed to. It takes a while, as you can imagine. My best time for one sample is about 30 minutes right now. I've finished about 25 at the moment and I have around 60-70 left to go. My goal is to have all of these samples done by Labor Day so I can start a new research project this fall. Let's hope I make it!

When I get the ok, I'll explain why I care about tastebuds in the first place. ^_^

2008-07-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

The following is a short discourse I did at jCafe for one of my friends as a joke. It turned out to be pretty well received, so I'm submitting it here for your amusement. Enjoy!

"Theories on Invisibility"

Law #1: To be invisible, one must simply not be noticed. From this Law, the following Theories may be deduced:

Theory #1: If an observer is prevented from registering that an object should be focused on, his brain will file the peripheral data away as unimportant, and except in the rare cases of highly observant individuals, will not retain that object in his memory, rendering the object essentially "invisible". Thus if one wishes to be invisible, one should not perform actions that would attract attention but rather blend in with the surroundings, essentially becoming part of the "background noise" that the human brain filters out every day. This is all so known as the 1st Law of the Assassin.

Theory #2: If something is of greater interest is presented to an observer, the surroundings are usually not noticed. Ergo, by switching the focus of the observer to something else, the original object essentially becomes "invisible". This is generally known as the Art of Distraction, a standard technique among practitioners of ninjitsu and politics.

Theory #3: If the object is not within the observer's sphere of observation, that object is in fact "invisible" to the said observer. This theory is supported by the fact that the more scientists refine their tools for observing the world, the more they see in it. Those objects have essentially become visible to the observer, and as such, have become a part of the observer's reality. Schrodinger's cat comes to mind here.

Law #2: For the human being, "visibility" is based upon the interaction between the refraction/reflection of light, the chemical makeup of the rods and cones of the retina, the transmission of that data via the nervous system, the processing of that data into something cognitively recognizable in the optic tectum, and the storing of that information in the memory centers of the brain. This system offers the following possibilities for becoming invisible:

Theory #4: Change the qualities of the light. As most of us probably know, light possesses the qualities of a wave, and as such an be interfered with as if it were a wave. A light wave could be canceled out if it ran into a light wave with matching intensity but differing phase, much like soundwaves.

If such a state were achieved, the object emitting that wave would essentially become "invisible" to an observer, because there would be no light reflected/refracted to observe.

Theory #5: In a similar vein to Theory #4, if light is prevented from reflecting/refracting by being absorbed and then re-emitted in an different direction than towards the observer, the object will become "invisible". This is a current theory being worked on by some of my friends in electrical engineering, and it relies upon the fact that a rod of the same length as a period of frequency of a lightwave will completely absorb that wave. Depending upon the geometrical arrangement of a series of these rods in a grid pattern, that wave can then be re-emitted in a different direction entirely, changing the pattern of reflection/refraction in such a way that the observer does not perceive what is truly there. There's a lot more to it, of course, but that's the basic idea. For the more technically minded, I submit http://labs.ee.psu.edu/labs/dwernergroup/default.htm for further reference. In the future, Harry Potter might get his Cloak after all.

Theory #6: As an alternative to Theory #5, just changing the angle of reflection/refraction can change an observer's perception of an object. This sort of technique is used by many professional magicians and stagehands to present optical illusions to an audience. The most common mediums of such are various mirrors, such as one might find in a carnival fun house, and gases.

Theory #7: If the light cannot be altered, alter the equipment used to receive and process that light. For humans, this would mean messing with their eyes and brains from the inside. The most practical point for doing so is to mess with the storage of data in the memory banks. Alcohol is a well-known interrupter of this pathway, as is coshing someone on the side of the head. The first alternative, however, is less fraught with legal peril. Addictive drugs might also be used, with their own range of repercussions.

These theories suggest a wide range of practical possibilities that could be used to make someone "invisible". I hearby suggest the following for experimental testing:

1) Rei-nee should train as an assassin. Or enroll in a spy academy to learn how to "blend in".
2) Rei-nee should train as a ninja. Or make friends with a large, outgoing person who loves attracting attention.
3) Rei-nee should go on vacation. You can't see what isn't there.
4) Rei-nee should stop being an angel and become a light source.
5) Rei-nee should buy a real Invisibility cloak made by these nerdy guys. They're pretty close to doing it, for infrared light anyways.
6) Rei-nee should study as a magician, or go around wearing mirrors from head to toe.
7) Rei-nee should always carry around large supplies of alcohol with which to either seduce or cosh her observers. Drugs would be easier to transport, but there are so many problems with that.

Any data (such as pictures) collected on the above suggestions would be welcomed. Class dismissed!

2006-01-03T18:06:00.000-08:00

I'm sure this is becoming a cliche on Xanga, but wow its been a long time since I wrote anything, as my dear friend Karin pointed out. Actually, I don't really have much to say in terms of the events of things except that this fall has been a very difficult one due to work, coworkers, health, holidays, events like friends giving birth, and a consistent lack of sleep. Honestly I've turned into a real wuss about dealing with life because of it. This is not good my friends, for when I wuss out, I wuss out big time. Thus my New Year's resolution for 2006 is to get out of the blue funk I'm in and back into the world. I don't know how I'm going to do that yet, but I can't stand the thought of a full year resembling this past fall. And I can't really stand the person I am because of it.

In other tidbits, I got to go home for Christmas and see my family, which was very nice. I'm still kind of tired from all the jetlag/New Year's Eve stuff, but it was well worth it. Everyone at home was very happy to see me, and just as sure that I was totally out of the realm of common sense this fall which it entirely possible. But just the chance to see my parents in person and go walk around the old stomping grounds cheered me up a lot.

For all you anime lovers out there, my holiday diet this break consisted of a charming little show called Yakitate! Japan, the very serious biographical ballad of a boy trying to create a bread that Japan could be known for around the world. Entertaining, amusing, and downright ridiculous, its perfect fare for those willing to try something a little...erm...random for laughs. I'm enjoying it highly and have added it to my regular fansub menu, just in time for the endings of Tsubasa Chronicles, Prince of Tennis, and Erementar Gerad. Though while its convinced me that there may be something cool about bread, its definitely proven that there's not much cool about retro stuff from the 70's and 80's (at least to me). ^_^

Tomorrow I'm back to work and hopefully there'll be fun stories to share this month. Later!

A Conversation on Evolution

2005-11-08T14:33:00.000-08:00

Interesting that just as I started talking about evolution in my blog, it came up over dinner. The Linehans and Gabby basically had the same questions as everyone else, and while I can't claim to be anywhere near an expert, I offer up the gist of the convo for your contemplation.

From what I understand so far, the theory of evolution as it exists in Biology today rises from two important, consistently verifiable observations. The first is famous because Darwin observed it the best, namely the effects environment have on a population of any given species over time. He saw it happen in the Galapagos Islands (sp?), where the same species of finch had been separated and isolated on different islands with different environments, predators and food sources. Over the course of several generations those birds that had physical features best adapted for survival in their new environments came to dominate the gene pool of that population, because those that survived were the ones that could produce offspring. Even if we ignore for now the supposed difficulties in genetics, this pattern is something we can observe in nature over and over again. The best example I can think of is the HIV virus. Like all other viruses, it reproduces extremely quickly and has a large amount of genetic variation among its population in those genes that code for non-life-sustaining functions (things like reproductive speed, genes for immune resistance, that sort of thing). That variation rises from the very lax nature of a virus' genetic error-checking system, so basically that DNA/RNA can mutate without being corrected. And as long as its only in those non-vital areas, the virus can exist.

Thus when you try to treat a virus with any drug, there almost certainly will be one or a few of them that can resist the drug in some way. The longer the drug is administered, the better those few will survive, since the environment will kill off all the other forms and leave the resources of the host for the taking. Depending upon the virus type, those few can become predominate in the body as fast as a few days, and the drug become ineffective. That's why we currently treat HIV by combining several different drugs into a "cocktail". Its the best way to kill off as many possible variants as we can. All in all this observation is called "natural selection" by most and "adaptation" by the rest. Its observable, quantifiable, and nobody debates it.

The second observation that led to the theory of evolution in science is the similarity that exists between living things. Again this is something that is easily seen for oneself. All creatures on earth capable of walking on 2 legs possess a tailbone, whether we have a tail or not. All vertebrates have spinal cords, digited appendages, stomaches, and similar patterned brains. During the early stages of development all vertebrates or invertebrates develop exactly the same and even look the same excluding size. Once species specific characteristics start to show development is still governed by similar genes, protein families, signaling functions. All life on earth uses the same genetic building blocks, similar building patterns, similar pathways for processing energy. Why? Why is everything so different, yet so similar?

The earlier scientists of last century were in the center of all of these observations, so it made perfect sense to them to connect the two areas. Someone successfully observed a process by which similar things became different thru inheritance. At the same time others were discovering fossils and similar geological formations all around the world. In this century, we've learned much about DNA and its structure, how much its allowed to change in an individual before it causes problems, how fast it can mutate and how it can be read many different ways to make different proteins. We've even observed how different environments can directly change how DNA is expressed in the body, so that you end up with small, large, fat, or thin individuals. So the theory of evolution as I see it used in science today is basically that given a certain period of time and different environments, genetic change can happen at a certain rate and be passed on to those generations that survive in each environment, causing originally similar things to become different.

This is the practical form of the theory that modern biologists operate under. That, however, is as far as I can go. The step further that given enough time and change in the environment, the world as it exists today could arise from basic chemical processes...I can't go there. I'm still learning about the discoveries that lead some to think that. But as far as the basic idea goes, I think Darwin and his colleagues were on to something. After all, if you think about the logistics of the story of Noah, his ark could not of held a male and female of every currently existing species on the planet, even if you only consider the land animals. Unless there was some serious divine intervention, its spatially impossible. Not to mention the fact that from a gene pool of 8 people every person on the earth arose, with all different skin types, heights, shapes and sizes. If from such a small gene pool such variety could arise even among us humans (and if you go by the biblical clock, in such few millenia), than I certainly think the practical form of evolution is possible, even significantly reasonable.

That's why I referred to the philosophy and the science of evolution before. Origin is actually a philosophical question, and while we can logically extrapolate back thru time using our math and what we know of our world, we can't observe, test, or confirm anything we say about it. The biggest flaw in intellegent design as a theory is that it isn't practical. While it rightly questions how such similar things can be so different, it doesn't address why such different things are so similar. As such its more idea then observation, and that doesn't help us go about the business of science (which is basically the business of describing, understanding, and subduing the world). Creationism is even more dangerous to throw in there. Once and for all, the story of creation is NOT a scientific theory. And it CANNOT be taught as one. Creation is accepted on the evidence of witnesses, not the evidence of physical interaction with a physical world. If you ask me, the physical evidence that God exists is that this world, this universe operates under a certain set of orderly conditions, apart from which it cannot exist as it is now. Just like evolution assumes, something cannot come out of nothing. Something can only come from something else. To an evolutionist, that something could be another universe that existed before this one. To a creationist, that something is God. But to prove that one way or the other is something that science can't do, and I don't think its meant to. "Proof", after all, isn't evidence, but the acceptance of some meaning attached to that evidence as truth.

That's what I think so far. I'm still learning, and there's a lot to read and study. If I come across something I think you guys will appreciate I'll recommend it, so you can read for yourselves. But this is a pretty good summary of what I've found so far.

2005-11-07T18:34:00.000-08:00

Urgh.

My life is swiftly becoming akin to a soap opera, fraught with reoccurring angst, never-ending cycles of crises, inner turmoils and frustrations, bad acting, and over-dramatized "happy moments". Just when we got the pump working again, it grinds down 2 days later leaving us waterless and groady. The best anyone can discern, the problem was just alignment, and a simple replacement of the key between motor and pump should solve the problem. Enter the USPS. Those keys were mailed out a week and a half ago, but we've seen nothing of them. Consequently last Tuesday all of Al's special experimental fish that he's raising for his doctoral research started dying and by last Friday I think only 1 remained. When the parts still hadn't showed by Thursday, we told them to overnight a new pump and key to us ASAP (which the company did) so we could try one last time to make it work.

Friday was interesting. My coworkers and I went over this whole purification system inch by inch and basically rebuilt the thing from the ground up. If "alignment" was the problem, it wasn't going to be this time. We turning things on and it ran great for 10 hours, when it was shut off by the control program. But just one day of success doesn't mean a victory, as my lab now knows all too well. Every day this weekend I had someone from the lab calling me to tell me if the system was still working or not. And until an hour ago, it was performing just like it was supposed to. But then....

So now nobody knows what to do. We'll probably have someone from the company come out here and work on it, though they are as confused as we are. Of course we're all worried that even if they do come out and fix it the same pattern will repeat and we'll be stuck 3 days later. Its amazing how much stress you can aquire when the mechanical systems you rely on no longer work for no good reason (even age!). Its a helpless feeling I'm really coming to despise, even if I can't help it.

In other news, I pulled a muscle in my back yesterday somehow, and even though I've made it into work it's taken all day to do it. The good news is I'm not in unbearable pain here. The bad news is that I'm going to be very very sore and stiff for at least 10 more days according to the nurse practitioner. My fellow technician Laura isn't doing so well either at the moment (she seems to be suffering from some sort of flu or something) so we're rather shorthanded doing the fish chores.

The car is fixed, for which I'm very grateful. But after all that I blew out a back tire two Mondays ago on the way to work, which made things interesting since I've never had a flat before. (For my first, it was rather glorious. I should of taken a picture.) I have been fairly successful at sticking with my experiments every week regardless of all that's going on, but in order to do it I've not been to class for 3 weeks now. Very bad. I'm now so behind I'm not sure its possible to catch up. If I were taking this class for credit in grad school, I would of dropped it way before now. That's not real encouraging to me, since its possible that I might need to work full-time and go to school as well.

Ah, I guess that's a good lead into some SOC (stands for "stream of consciousness", writing where you just say what comes to mind without concern for logical progress or structure). Grad School. I'm not giving up on it, no way in Hell. ('scuse the french.) So this semester I've been trying to push myself towards actually applying and whatnot to make it happen. My reasoning has basically been that getting accepted can take a year before you actually start, that since a doctorate takes several years its better to start sooner, and that if Jer and I do stay together the next few years we'll probably get married which means the possiblity of kids. And I don't want to worry about school and kids at the same time, I watched my mom do that and I don't think I could handle it like she had to. (Of course she didn't have any help from anyone else the whole time, so that will probably be different for me, but I still worry about it just the same.)

The interesting thing is that despite what's been going on at work for the past couple of months, I've been getting more research responsibilities and more time to work with my boss than anyone with just a BS could expect. There are so many opportunities and projects that have been given to me that the majority of my time is taken up with them. Because of that, I can see the gap between myself and my labmates clearer than ever, both in knowledge and experience. But that gap is something that the pursuit of a degree won't necessarily close. As it is right now I have access to any class I might need without paying for it because my work with Bill is opening contacts in the department. The practical experience I need I can gain by spending as much time working with and observing Bill as possible. When it comes right down to it, the one thing my heart wants to do right now is become the best I can be at my current job, especially because its taking everything I have right now to keep up with the chances I have. Maybe that's just because it's Bill's lab...in his lab, anyone can publish original research whether they have a grad degree or no. Its all about the quality of the work.

I used to think that the best way for me to get better at science was to take more classes. That was before I started working here and realizing how much good science is something that can't really be taught in a class. Right now I'm in a place where I can learn all the "good science" I can stand. Suddenly a Doctoral degree in Biology is more like a professional license for an engineer...you need it to give you a base to stand as an independent businessman in the field, but you don't need it to be an engineer. I'll need it eventually, but not because it is the path to becoming a scientist.

So right now, I'm not going to push it. Pushing something like that just because of "what could be" is actually kind of irresponsible, if it means disregarding what God has currently placed in your hands. If He chooses to give you something, and then takes it away Himself, that's fine. But I want to be very careful not to throw away something that I'm not supposed to let go of. I'll probably poke around at GRE material over Christmas, and I'll probably keep asking questions and stuff about the program and how to make it work and how I'll pay for it. But I think I'm going to stop telling myself it HAS to be next year or else.

Matt, in answer to your question I am beginning to believe that the public (and I) know very little about the actual science of evolution, and that the professionals quite possibly know very little about the philosophy of evolution. Consequently when the public makes a fuss about what's taught in schools, scientists generally wonder what the big deal is about, especially when religion gets throw in since more scientists think the theory of evolution really doesn't deal with that at all. In my opinion, everyone has a lot more to learn and a lot more to think than they currently are willing to do.

2005-10-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

This quite possibly could be too early to say this, but I think we finally have our fish system fixed. Only time will tell, if its still working tomorrow then I think we're good but so far it seems ok. THAT has been hell. *sigh* Even so I can't help but think that this whole mess might of been God's way of telling me to shape up a bit if I want to stay at this level of professionalism. I really am a wuss when it comes down to it, there's a lot more I could be doing if I decided to. Its just like the difference between how a Little Leaguer and a MBL player trains for baseball and how each views the game. I haven't really made up my mind if that's the right way to look at this past month, but its possible.

Jer's doing me a big favor and coming down this weekend to work on my car. The heating coil broke and started spewing antifreeze vapors into my cabin when I turned the air on last week, and the coolant leaks out of the car everytime I let it sit there. I really really hope he can fix it so I don't have to worry about that on top of other things. Its been a rough week.

Nothing much else to report except that there's a lot of spiritual activity going on in other people's lives at the moment, and that evolution is much more complex and misunderstood than I ever knew. I could spend my whole life studying in the field and still feel like I know nothing. Actually, I might end up doing just that. Who'd of thought it, huh?

2005-10-13T17:09:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a real quick entry because I'm in the middle of an experiment, but:

For those of you who have been wondering why I've been swearing on IM a lot lately, work has overreached the limit of what I can handle. For the past month I've been trying to rebuilt the filtration unit of our fish system with only my common sense and stubborness to guide me. Why? Because I'm the best we've got. Because there's no one in this state who can help me with it and because the people I could ask for advice/supervision have been blowing me off. Add in all the prep work required for 2 annual inspections, the research work for Bill, the work with the fish to improve breeding behavior, the work on the computer systems (again mostly conducted via common sense and research when I don't know something because I'm the best we've got), the classwork I haven't done for the past month and a half, and the fact that because we haven't been able to make fresh water for 3 weeks our fish are on the brink of getting ill...well, its no wonder I'm swearing. I'm stuck, you see. In just about all of these areas, the best I can offer just isn't cutting it. Oh, did I mention that grad school deadlines are kareening towards me at a violent pace? *sigh*

I guess if Satan can't make me give up on being faithful, he's gonna try to break me so I can't do if I wanted to. Determination means crap if you don't have the mechanics to do it, after all.

2005-09-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

Update for Friday:

So last weekend was a total bust as far as studying goes due to visitors, visiting others, and being just generally exhausted. I did find out that I have no "skillz" at DDR, which doesn't bode well for my performance at the next MyFam Reunion. Perhaps because of the continuous activity on top of a wild work week, I came down with a killer cold this week and was down flat thru Thursday evening. Today I'm at work by sheer force of will, but I'm glad I came because as soon as I walked in this morning something broke in our fish system and water was spurting everywhere. Turns out it's a part they don't make anymore and we might have an interesting time ahead trying to fix it. *sigh*

So far I'm now 8 chapters and 2 lectures behind in class, 1 experiment and 2 sample preps behind in research, and buried under literally 4 inches of paperwork with still no word on new grant money so no idea if I've got the funds to do what I need to at the moment. I'd be scared if I weren't so highly amused.

2005-09-15T13:12:00.000-07:00

^_^

Ok, so to add specifics to what I was talking about before, I am:

1) sitting in on a class my boss is teaching this semester in Developmental Biology. Even though I'm not taking this for credit and its not really grad school, I need to know this material and I need to know if I can handle taking classes while working fulltime. So I'm participating as if I were getting a grade that counted. And that, my friends, is a lot of study time.

2) making experiments a priority at work. As a result of this plan of action and #1, Bill has given me kind of an area of research to call my own, similar to what our grad students are supposed to do, but more working in conjunction with him. I still am his assistant, and I still act as his hands for a lot of things but now he wants me to try a little more independant thinking and input. This is really cool because it IS the next logical step in my growth, and kind of intimidating because I still know nothing really. Another reason why my classwork has taken on a sudden central importance.

3) narrowing down other activities in my life. I have dropped out of Youth Group work, and now really only work with those kids that God has brought to my door, rather than going out of my way to find others. Even with them I'm not as available to talk and hang out as I used to be. I have chosen Aikido as my only other activity, and that's because I need physical stamina to pull this stuff off. Weekends are now dominated by studying and housework even when Jeremy's visiting, which is a new thing to learn. And as for things like anime, video gaming, and reading, they're slowly but surely starting to take a back seat as I work on turning more of my time into study time and not vegging. My social time is also taking more of a back seat for now as well. Basically, if its not a planned activity, I'm not doing it. Probably.

4) working on my health. I've got my glasses fixed and my ADD meds working, now I'm getting tested for anemia and hopefully getting that straightened out will give me more energy. Unfortunately, better health for me means a 10pm bedtime (among other things) so if I don't get to it before then, be it work or fun, too bad for me.

Add all that in with the amount of growth and energy it takes to maintain a good dating relationship and I'm maxxed out, but I needed Mom's 2x4 to even get to the point of admitting that, and being willing to give up all the other things I've really wanted to do. I've gone out on a limb at work and given my boss a copy of my box schedule that I use to manage my time, so now I've got a lot of pressure to keep to it because that's what he's counting on me doing. All of a sudden the consequences of just sliding by in my commitments are effecting me in much quicker and more visible ways, with more people able to see it. I can't just hide behind "business" anymore. I'm having to meet my commitments with more consistancy and quality than I've ever had to do before, and this from a person who already makes them a priority.

Which is why I've been thinking about it alot lately.

2005-09-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I hear rumor of some people wondering if I get truth laid on me as heavy as I hand it out. Well, lest there be any doubt about it, yes. Actually I get it laid on me a lot harder than I give it out most of the time, because it often comes from the person who knows me the best and who I consider my mentor in a lot of ways, my mom. Mum is great, she's got a way of cutting right to the heart of things that I often choose to waffle around in and she doesn't see any reason to cut me any slack when she knows I know better. Everybody should have someone like that in their life.

The most recent 2x4 she handed me was a reminder of the cost of things you commit to. This is an idea I know fairly well, but hate to apply because at heart I'm a lazy little bum that would like commitments to be easy. Sometimes they are. Most of the time, they're not. Maybe for that reason I'm real good at only committing myself to something half-way, and talking myself into believing that's good enough because "I'm busy" or "There's so much going on" or "I really need to give myself a break". Why not? After all, I'm working on it, right? You can't expect someone to be perfect, and some effort's got to be better than none. "I know I struggle here, but at least I'm working on it." Or how about "This is all I can do right now, I just don't have the energy to put up a good fight. Maybe in another month or so..."

Mum reminded me in no uncertain terms that considering how much energy and time you realistically have is part of counting the cost of what you commit to. If I've commited to so many hours at work a week and so many hours of studying for class, I've got to be prepared to give up those other things I've been letting myself get into that take the energy and time I need to do my best. I've got to be ready to be little more disciplined so I can perform well, and to be willing to stand up to the people around me for whatever lifestyle changes I make. If someone views trust as a matter of time spent and that's not how I operate, I need to consider what it will take for me to be able to relate to them and if its worth the effort. Its enough to make you wonder why people make commitments at all, with all the work involved.

But commitments are what move us forward in life, aren't they? Its the people who won't give their word, or give it too lightly that don't seem to progress much. To purpose to do something and then knowingly do what it takes to carry it out, that simple mindset is all it takes to discover the structure of DNA, restore a broken family, even save humanity. Maybe that's why we follow people with a "strong" dream.

Eeep! I ran out of time to muse! Well, this is what I've been thinking about lately gang, so if you start to wonder why I'm less available then usual, check the library, I'm probably studying for class. Mum got that right. ^_^

2005-08-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, ok, I've converted to LJ. Check it out at http://www.livejournal.com/users/mbiogirlumd/, though for the sake of those not using it I duplicate the post I made here, for the most part:

Greetings from Roscoff, France, home of the Station Biologique and my current post. I've actually been here working for the past 4 days, but lack of computer access has prevented me from saying much. My week of toodling around was very cool. Jeremy, my coworker Laura, her mom, and I hit a lot of the major sights in Paris before Jer and I went to Normandy and then Brittany for a couple of days. We saw quite a lot before meeting back up here in Roscoff, enough that I'm glad this is a quiet little coastal town. I'll have plenty of pics and such to share once I get my feet back under me at home again, so don't worry that this is brief.

For the most part I'm doing pretty well for having been in a foreign country for 2 weeks. Yesterday and today, though, the homesickness is starting to hit kinda hard, I think brought on by a broken computer and a protocol that has long periods of time where you just sit there waiting for reactions to finish. Laura and I are doing our best, but we're starting to run out of things to do in a small little European fishing town, even though I am very grateful to be here and its a perfect site for doing our research with the variety of marine life barely 100 yards away.

I'll write more as I get the chance. Right now, with all the special classes they're holding this summer computers are in high demand. TTYL, gang!

2005-07-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

So I saw this on Matt's page and decided it was funny. Actually, Danny and Laura-kid had a lot of fun seeing if their picks for me matched what I picked for myself. ~_^

I am Mario.

I like to jump around, and would lead a fairly serene and aimless existence if it weren't for my friends always getting into trouble. I love to help out, even when it puts me at risk. I seem to make friends with people who just can't stay out of trouble. What Video Game Character Are You?

2005-06-28T19:04:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all who've been wondering if I've fallen off the face of the planet!

So a summary of what's up with me, or has been up with me, whatever:

1) My tint is absolutely shot. And has been inaccurate for quite a while, causing me to get more and more ill as the months have past. I tire out much more faster than usual now, and I can't do very much writing or reading without paying for it. This is probably the main reason why I've not written anything for a while...I just don't want to look at a computer very much right now. The good news is that my new set of glasses should be arriving this week or early next week, and when they do I'll be feeling oh so much better.

2) Work is a lovely mishmash of too much to do and lessons in consistancy. I think that last one may end up being the theme lesson for the year. I've had some pretty honest but encouraging talks with my boss recently, and I'm really starting to feel that the Lord won't let me move onto the extra responsiblilites of grad school until I've learned how to be consistant and successful with the responsiblilties He's given me already. So I'm still thinking graduate school, but not anytime in the near near future. I've got some other things to do first. (There you go, Ken. What you're thinking/feeling isn't anything odd, cause the rest of us go thru it/are going thru it too! Just hang in there bud!)

3) The research I'm supposed to be doing at the moment might get put into a paper before the end of the year, if I can get my butt into gear working on it. That would be really awesome, and go a long ways towards making me feel like I'm actually making progress and contributing around here. Taking care of the business side of things is great, but its research and new intellectual properties that get us money around here and ensure that I stay employed.

4) I have reached the grand old age of 25! For my birthday, I attended someone else's party with my friends (which was uber-awesome btw Laura, Happy 21st! ), went to see Howl's Moving Castle in theaters (also uber-awesome!!!), took a nap in the middle of my supposed party and further corrupted more people with video games. (*evil grin* All of you WILL come over to the Dark Side, given enough time in my presence.) I did enjoy it all, though I wish I hadn't been so tired for most of the weekend.

5) My friends are very interesting people. Take Jessie for example, who's surviving Adrian's absence by turning into a Garage-Saleing Queen. Or Jonathan, who's first words at my "party" were, "Hi! This is my girlfriend Jessica!" *laugh* I'm pretty happy about that one, in case anyone's wondering. And she seems to be a sweet girl, I hope we get the chance to hang out more. Then there's Karin and her hidden talent to bargain shop for manga by enlisting her friends, Dan's hidden talent to totally whale on old-school Zelda games, Matt's nifty talent to remember his friends on their important days (thanks for the card, dude! And for calling Jessie on her anniversary, that really perked her up.), and Jeremy's talent for causing small amounts of havoc just by being himself. Danny totally cracked me up on Sunday when he came over and told me that at 11:55 pm on June 25, when it hit him that he only had 5 minutes left before legal adulthood, he decided to exercise his childishness one last time by screaming at the top of his lungs and trying to pants someone. (Unfortunately the target had a belt on, so it didn't work.) You people are a big reason why I love life so much!

6) There are some things that I'm having a rougher time with, but since the answer to all of them is just more time and faithful obedience, I'll mention them quick. My mum's having trouble with her medical insurance and obtaining her meds right now, so I'm having to learn how to talk slower for shorter periods of time about less things. Its rough because I've always leaned on her for support, but right now she doesn't have the strength for that because she's pretty ill. I'm having to learn to lean on others more at the moment without completely shutting her out of the stuff I'm going thru because I don't want to overburden her. Not an easy thing to do. Moving out of the Linehan's house is not very feasible at the moment either, due to France and an increased in my student loan bill. Ergo I am rather confused about what God is up to, because He's brought me to the point where I desire to live on my own, but don't have the means to do so. My high schoolers have made me both very sad and very proud of them this month. I'm praying that all the events we've been thru will deepen the maturity of all of them, because I really can't wait to share the richness life has to offer with them. Unfortunately, you have to be strong enough to handle that richness, which means growing up.

7) So, France. I'm leaving July 28 and will be back on August 21. I'll have until August 7 to putz around, and then it will be all day every day with no weekends in a 8x12 room with 2, possibly 3 other people cranking out immunohistochemistry experiments as fast as possible. The things I'm the most nervous about have to do with the mechanics of travel in a foreign country, which won't go away until I experience that sort of thing myself. Perks include actually working with my boss, good food, a groovy location on the coast, and no beurocratic paperwork on my desk to deal with. The non-perks include actually working with my boss, a very good possibilty of no contact with other believers in a very spiritually oppressed country, and the fact that I don't speak French. Oh, and also that our newest employee from Japan will be arriving in the US on August 22, so I may have to be in to work that day. Blech.

8) Currently lessons with Jeremy include working on fitting the mechanics of our relationship into the lives God has currently given us (since both of us think that's where our main energies should be going), how to encourage him to write the paper he's been working on ever since we started dating, how to express thoughts and feelings in words and various other ways, and how to develop levels of self-control (goes along with fitting things into our current lives.) Geez, dating someone is hard work.

So there you have it. My "summary" that really isn't a summary but hey, I've been busy. For the calendar, the month of July looks like:

July 2 - 4 Working
July 4 - 8 Breeding week
July 7 - 12 Hosting the "MyFam" reunion ~ Dan and Jer's friends from Cedarville are invading (I might work a few hours during this time b/c its a breeding week)
July 16 - 18 Weekend up at Jer's
July 23 - 24 Might be working, preparing for France
July 28 Leave for France
August 7 Work starts at Roscoff
August 21 Home from France

I'm thinking a vacation sometime this fall sounds real good.

Later, peeps!! ~A

2005-04-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

*laugh*

Well, judging from my last post, my friends are kind of confused about my occupation in life. I guess I should of put this up earlier, just for clarification, but I was having so much fun messing with all of you.... ~_^

I work as a senior lab tech at an evolutionary developmental biology lab at the University of Maryland, College Park. Basically we're working on how things evolve when environmental factors influence the development of a species over a long period of time. To do this, we keep two forms of the fish species Astyanax mexicanus in our lab. The "surface" sub-set comes from rivers, and have pigmented skin and eyes. The "cave" sub-set comes from, well, caves in the mountains, and they are albino with no eyes. These two sub-species are exactly the same genetically and even start out developing the same, but at about 36 hours various switches get thrown in the cavefish that change the expression patterns of various genes, which results in the different phenotype. Its kind of like why there are white humans and black humans...our genes are exactly the same, but because of a difference in gene expression as we develop, we end up with different phenotypes. We want to know how those changes first started and how they became permanent enough that our fish can pass them on to their offspring.

Since most of this stuff happens during early development, our research requires a lot of fish embryos and young fry to study and compare. We breed our adult fish here at the lab so we can have the samples we require at the right timepoints in development. The cycle takes about one week to go thru, and during that time, we're just crazy-busy because the adult fish need more care than normal and we have to collect the embryos they lay. We generally breed the fish every other week...hence the term "breeding week". And let me tell you, those weeks are a LOT of work!

I do a lot more stuff than just running that, but that's the basic idea. ^_^

2005-04-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

Whoooo!

OK, so here I am after saying life would be less crazy this week/month, and so far I've been proven totally wrong! ^_^! Good news is that I finally got the data I've been working on out the door to the boss last night so he can write his paper. Bad news is, it took 3 nights of working late during a breeding week to pull it off, so again my schedule has been all whacked out. Today, I'm taking a bit of a break to write, so I can feel like my job doesn't control me. I really do like what I do, honest. Its just life can be a bit much.

My mum's been giving me a nice load of 2x4's lately to chew on. (For all of you who think I only dole them out, ha!) The biggest one is about how you manage your time. According to her, and this is between two women you understand, you really only have enough time to pour yourself into 3 things and do well, such as motherhood, church, and being a wife. When you try to do more than that you burn yourself out. Very quickly. Which means that you end up making some hard choices about what you do and don't do, so you can succeed in those areas.

For me, the breakdown probably looks more like work, church, and dating Jeremy. What I've been trying to do, with limited success, is add on a full training program in Aikido, working with my kids, acting as a social coordinator for my friends, studying, and traveling all over tarnation for various events and such. And its been a bit too much. Now, I'm usually all for pushing myself to do all that, especially if the semester is almost over and life would change in a few weeks. But guess what, Toto! You're not in school anymore, and there are no summer breaks or finals weeks. You're in for the long haul now, so you'd better figure out how you're going to last. This is especially true in a job that regularly breaks the 9-5 rule.

So what am I going to do about it? Well, I don't know yet. That's going to take some serious thinking, and I'm screaming with frustration that I'm not able to handle it all. I don't WANT my work to become my life, or any one thing to become that actually. But I'm all to familiar with this sort of pattern, with having to cut back or give up some things to succeed at the hard ones. So I'll probably figure something out.

The other thing that's been spinning around in my head lately has been the difference between change and growth. Basically this is coming from watching some of my kids struggle with some things. Everybody seems to think that the best way to handle your problems is to change something, like your environment, or a relationship to whomever, or your performance or grades or desktop picture. Change can be good, sure. But it doesn't imply that you're actually growing, necessarily.

The way I figure it, to grow means to internalize a concept and apply it to your life such that your behavior/thinking/emotions/actions become different than they were before. It requires a lot more thinking and praying and questioning yourself than just changing your environment does. When I shuffle stuff around on the outside of me, things may affect me a little differently for a while, but that effect goes away as soon as I leave or change that environment again. Growth is something you take with you no matter where you go, or what your environment is. It develops who you are on the inside.

I know this game really well, actually. Back in high school when I was in counseling for my parents' divorce, I did a lot of stuff to change the outside of me, thinking that it would help, or get my couselor off my back, or that it was what I was expected to do. I became really tied up in legalism because of that...how I believed the world thought of me was directly linked to what I did, and not to who I was inside. But I wanted it that way. The person I thought I was, I despised with a passion. And I didn't want to grow because in order to do that, I would have to let myself admit that I was that person, to be that person. Its been a lot of hard work to retrain the tapes in my head, to tackle my baggage, to learn to know and be who I am. There were days and months I didn't want to pay the price.

I'm not anywhere near like that anymore, thank God, because He's taught me that true growth is worth all that. Its one of the few things in life that can never be taken away from you. But there are still times when I find myself substituting change for growth, because I don't have the energy or don't want to deal with it or don't think its fair that its always ME who has to adapt. So I always am asking myself if I'm falling into that trap...and I have to tell you that after years of working with this I have a pretty good idea when I am slacking off. But I also know that its not worth it to play that game. You can't go anywhere, do anything, dream about anything real or love anyone if you try to build all that on a persona that depends on the world around you. That's like building on sand.

So that's what's up with me. Now I've got work to get back to *ick*. Time to practice what I preach! Later, gang!

2005-04-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

To borrow from a girlfriend, WOOOOT!

So yeah, the summary of what's up with me is survived Hell Month, went to Hawaii, visited the fam in So. Cal., came back, welcomed my new co-worker from Japan, left for Karin's wedding, worked hard and had a blast, came home late Monday night, slept a lot yesterday, and today, the world can have at me again. I'm a bit worried about going into work after being out so long, I think I have this feeling like it's gonna eat me, but the lesson I'm determined to master this month is the discipline of controlling one's schedule! I honestly think I'm responsible for more craziness in my life than I care to admit, and a little more effort and thinking up front probably would do me a world of good, as well as prevent Hell Month II: The Return of Hell Month from playing in theaters everywhere.

So yeah, peeps! Happy April, Happy Spring and Daylight Savings, and I'll seeya around!

2005-03-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

So...a little story...

Ladies and gents, the joke is definately on me this year. Work is still nuts, studies are still nuts, but the kicker so far happend this past weekend, when a friend of mine asked me out. Yup, all of a sudden I have a boyfriend! *laugh* How's that for a surprise?

Most of you probably know him already, his name is Jeremy Bossard and he's a friend of a friend's fiancee. We met rather randomly and only started talking because I threw a surprise bridal shower for Karin last November that required some extra help from Dan and his best man. After that everyone in the bridal party has been making friends with each other as April approaches, even visiting each other outside of our required duties. And I have to say that even though I wasn't thinking about this, Dan and Karin and Jessie and Adrian were all trying very hard to set Jer and I up as soon as we all started working together on the wedding. (Naughty friends! Karin and Dan were planning to make us stand across from each other in the wedding, so we would have to dance together at the reception. Talk about evil! How awkward would that of been!? Married/engaged people can be such a pain sometimes.)

*g* Too bad for them we were one step ahead of them and just didn't know it until recently. And in fact both of us were purposely NOT going to doing anything about it until a couple months from now...except that this weekend when I went up to visit Jer at State College and help him write his next journal article we both found out that we were each trying to give the other some space without really there being a need to. *g* God's real funny like that, I think He's been laughing at us for a while now. Something like this was DEFINITELY not in my plans for the year!

So there you are, my bit of excitement for the week. Unfortunately I predict that I won't have anything else fun to say for a bit, as my March is going to be hellish to say the least. Too much work!!!!!! *sigh* I'm sooooo going to be taking it slower in April, I'll need to just to recuperate. Maybe I can get around to seeing you all then. Ah well. Hope everything is going well for you guys, hang in there and I'll write again soon!

2005-02-03T13:20:00.000-08:00

The world's too big
And I'm too small
To do all that is asked of me

My life's too fast
And I just crawl
Because my feet gave under me

For who can tread
Upon a ground
That sinks and rises like the sea

And who can dance
Upon a wind
That howls dischordant harmony

So if its still
Required of me
To stand, to dance, to run this race

A world too loud
Just let it cease
So mine can settle back in place

2005-01-14T16:06:00.000-08:00

ARRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!

Ahhhh, much better. No folks, I'm not going crazy (yet), its just been a week where all my projects keep hitting detours, making progress something of a slow-go. I find it interesting that I feel like a sail stretched to the max against the wind, without any discernable forward motion...I would like to think I'll get a break at some point, but that's not my main concern. Right now I can freely admit my life has me by the scruff of my neck. Its in sore need of balance, but I think the cost of getting that may be more than I want to pay right now. I'm running smack into the truth that your work or your ministry can totally absorb your life. The only solution is to lay down boundaries that those things cannot cross over. However, how do you hold to a line when your life keeps shifting and moving? I don't possess the experience to plan for such a complex pattern ahead of time. And does anyone else feel like its shutting yourself in to have to isolate yourself from the people in your life just to have some quiet? I hate that feeling, it makes me feel like I'm slamming the door in someone's face. I've never liked shutting myself in my room. Even when I was a kid, I felt way too constrained and isolated when I did that to keep people out. I'd much rather just be in a location by myself when there's so many things going on around me than do that, I think because I can't completely shut off my awareness of what's around me at any time. (Gotta love that ADD, ha!)

I guess what it comes down to is I'd much rather prefer to just simply be not around than to be around and have to spend energy when I'm already tired to tell people to leave me alone. Its...kinda sad that in today's world we have to ignore so much just to think. Or visit, or laugh, or whatever. No wonder Jesus disappeared so much when He needed to pray or rest or just be with his close friends...too much access really is a bad thing, even if you love all of the people you're serving or the work you're doing. Argh... Course, its makes me wonder if not being willing to set boundaries for myself in work and ministry is the result of both lack of faithfulness when serving and lack of faith that the Lord will handle things whether I'm there or not. And its not like the people around me won't respect my wishes...its just, well, when I'm tired, there are times I need people and times I don't. I need both for balance, but since I can't predict which its going to be ahead of time, setting a simple rule just seems too naive. And thus, double argh...

I have a gut feeling this isn't really making sense to many of you. Hey, that's ok. And those of you who are getting a clue don't do anything drastic to try and fix this for me! This is my problem, my learning experience. I need to figure this out for myself, because I don't think this is going to be the only time in life I hit this wall. That's just the way it is. Groovy? Alright!

Well, I've got a full day of aikido tomorrow and I have to buy pantyhose for it, so I'll leave off. Happy Friday everyone, may your weekend have some warm sunny weather in it no matter where you are! Later!

~A

2005-01-01T22:45:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll!

Just wanted to drop a line and thank you all for a neat Christmas. I may not of been able to go home, but getting a chance to hang out and visit with many of you made it special, and I'm really grateful for that. So! Everybody ready for the new year? Its still kind of funny thinking about a "year" being equal to Jan-Dec, rather than a school year. I think, this year, I'd like to get my first 2 levels in aikido...awful ambitious of me, now that I think of it, but hey! And I'd like to reduce the amount of projects I've got going in my room, start my blog, and successfully make my first costume for Otakon, in addition to traveling to Hawaii and France. Oh yeah! Passport!! I've gotta look into that...

Funny, I think my New Year's resolution list is more stuff to do, rather than things about myself I want to change. *laughs* You know, maybe that's a good thing! (Oh, and just because I really like this smiley: . Wish I could find a sentence to put it in! *g*)

2004-12-15T00:44:00.000-08:00

Wow, I have an audience...

So I would like to apologise to those of you who like to use Xanga-type pages to keep track of what your friends are up to. I most definately haven't been the most prolific of writers recently, and I can't promise that I'll change anytime soon. But, since a lot of you know I've been working crazy hours and I haven't given any explination for my silence, maybe I'd better fix that...ya?

OK, so first reason I haven't been writing is I have this crazy idea that I would like to build a really nice blog with archives, a search engine, space for pics, and all with my own graphics and stuff. Problem: Amy's expertise vs what she's got in her head, these things are not equal. PHP and SQL and servers and whatall, sooooo not getting it. So I've been sitting at a nice roadblock, unwilling to settle for less until I get enough knowledge under my belt that I can do something about it. *laugh* Ah me, there's just too much to do in life!

Reason #2 for not writing: mass chaos with my kids. In the past few months there's been 2 attempted suicides, 2 others contemplated, 1 nasty situation (sorry, details not forthcoming), 1 new study group formed, and lots and lots of encouragement needed, given, and recieved to/from all of them! What spare time I've had has gone into them...and I don't regret it for a minute, even with all the exercise my heart and mind are getting. You guys are worth it!

Third reason is my boss arrives home from France on Wednesday, and we're having lab presentations on Friday and Monday. So not only do all the chores I was assigned need to be finished, but also I have to have some data of some sort to present. Ergo I have been working late for the past couple of weeks trying to find enough time in a day to accomplish all that, and while I can state today that its finally paying off some, I am rather tired. Doing fine, but tired.

And finally, reason #4 for not writing is...its Christmas season, people!! Nobody's got a lot of time at the moment!! ~_^ So there you have it, a short summary of what's up. Other than that, I've become addicted to the new Harvest Moon game (never thought I'd be in for a farming sim!), the latest Kingdom Hearts game is very groovy, and hooray for random holiday gatherings that turn into major parties with friends!

And I have officially died for the night. Later, all!

2004-11-18T20:55:00.000-08:00

What up, all?

Mmmm, I don't know about the rest of you, but I've been so busy lately that its knocked me seriously off-balance. Ok, so maybe the whole ill stomach thing helped, but really, I've been seriously wiggin out. Major ADD attack and all here. Of course, watching hours of Naruto all at once probably isn't good for me either...*wink*

OK, I've got to gush about that for a minute. I know a lot of you guys out there aren't really animation fans or whatever, but I really like this show! Why? Well it isn't for the light and fluffy stuff, though that's in there too. And for those of you who thought I don't go for violent stuff, well, there's a ton of that in there, mostly martial arts stuff, but actually a very accurate portrayal of its effects and consequences. Naruto is totally identifiable with, and possesses a lot of character qualities I just plain admire in any person, though they usually are harder to see in real people than in anime because life moves much more slowly for us. But fair warning...battles are drawn out over 2-3 episodes sometimes, with a lot of flashbacks and stuff, which can get pretty slow if you're not into following all the dialogue and character development. Think Yu-gi-oh speed, but with actual content. (I've never been able to figure out if any of those stratagies in YGO are actually worth beans in the card game, since there are so many rules it just doesn't gel for me.) And think DBZ battle action, but with actual conclusions and a point to it all at the end. Not a bad combo, personally! ^_^

Oh, and I have to gush about the soundtrack a bit too. The whole thing uses traditional Japanese instruments (especially the wooden flute!!), but mixes it very well with more modern rock styles. Honestly, the music really draws you into the show maybe even more than the story or animation does. Maybe its the drums... ~_^ But after hearing some of the tracks for the first time, I've got to tell you I wanted to run out and get a wooden flute of my own!! I love music like that, which is why I've always wanted to study jazz flute, but eh, I don't have the motivation to be serious about it at the moment.

Ok, I'll stop jawing for the moment and go clean my room. I've been having fun, but its time to get serious again and get my life back under control! Later, gators!

~Amy

2004-11-02T08:41:00.000-08:00

So today's Election Day! Everybody ready to vote? I've been spending some time online reading all of the candidates' positions and the official party platforms and stuff, and you know what? My choice for President has changed, now that I've had a chance to look at stuff. Surprise, surprise, I think I'm a Democrat mis-registered as a Republican! Heh heh...I wonder what everyone's going to say when I tell them I voted Kerry and Mikulski...though I still support our Republican governor. Its funny though, I can't find any info on the circuit judges. Guess I'll be voting blind on them. (Not cool, not cool! But oh well!)

2004-10-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Just wanted to say I'm not dead yet, its all groovy, but I'm rather tired and I don't feel like writing much...so I guess just saying I'm alright and I'm glad all of you are doing alright too will be enough for now. Later! ~A

2004-09-01T13:24:00.000-07:00

Tommy-gel yelled at me, so I'd better write something.

BUCCO-BIG NEWS OF THE WEEK: Karin Bauman is now happily engaged to Dan Cross (her sweetheart of like 8.5 years) and they are planning to get married in early April!!! Amy is very very happy about this!

Other than that, I really don't have much to say 'cause all I've been doing is working working working. Oh, and getting my butt kicked at Aikido, but that's just fun. I'm such a dork.

2004-08-22T00:36:00.000-07:00

Heh heh heh...if you want to see the fruits of today's labor, check out my webpage. I'm actually rather proud of it!

2004-08-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

I'm so going off of other people's pages right now, but since Laura-kid and Danny have both done it, why not? Gives them something to read. Now that I think of it, weren't we always doing this our Freshman year?

The Survey (For What, I Don't Know)

What is your name? Amy
*What is your quest?* Oh wait...
Spell your name backwards: ymA (just missing the "c"!)
Date of birth: June 25, 1980 (go Regan!!)
Male or female? Female, definately
Astrological sign: Cancer, which is why I don't tell anyone (think about it, biology...yeah...)
Nicknames: Um...Am? Ames? Pikachu? My stepmom calls me "Amy Jo Martha Marie" here and there.
Height: 5' 3"
Hair color: Brownish
Eye color: Hazel
Glasses or contact lenses? Definately glasses, bifocals with a yellow tint
Where were you born? Hollywood, CA
Age: 24
Freckles? Tons!
E-mail address: mbiogirl@hotmail.com
What does your IM stand for? My college major and my current location
Pets: None that are mine
Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake? All but one, I think I spit on that one.
Feeling: Like I don't want to do work right now
Eating/drinking: Did you have to mention food?!!
T-Shirts/tank? I can't find any tanks I like, so t-shirts it is!!
Jeans/nice pants: cargo pants!!
Belt/no belt: No belt, just belt loops
Have you ever worn a neon colored outfit? Why yes, actually.
How many times a month do you wear your favorite shirt/pants? I...don't really pay attention, actually.
Do you "match" your clothing every morning? Yup.
Do you care about what you wear? Somewhat, I don't want to look like a total slob.
Have you ever been made to wear something embarrassing? Depends on how you define that. Pink & frilly? Oh yes! Lingerie? ...Um, no.
Have you ever dressed up? That's a rather dumb question. I did have to get a job, you know.
Have you ever been in love? Define that, please. I've had crushes and relationships that didn't go anywhere, but what I would call love, nope, not yet.
How many people have you kissed? Besides family? One.
Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Uh, I've kissed my mum and my grandma...does that count?
What do you look for in a guy/girl? A commitment to growth and to the Lord...bunch of other stuff but that's complicated.
What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? the smile and the laugh
What type of guy/girl do you usually go for? The ones I have gone for before were all smart enough to challenge me, strong-willed, and rather needy. Not real good, actually.
Do you have a bf/gf? Nope!
Do you have a crush right now? Nope again, just heroes.
Do you believe in love at first sight? It can happen. Don't know if I like it though.
Do you remember your first love? Yup! He was also my first best friend, too.
All time favorite band: Switchfoot, baby!!
What was your favorite style of music in elementary school? Classical, it was all I was really allowed to listen to.
Do you like rap? The good stuff.
Bluegrass? Oh sure.
Country? For about 15 minutes.
Classical? Mostly Baroque stuff
Rock? A bit
Pop? It all depends on the lyrics, but I think more pop than anything else.
Do you prefer fast or slow songs? Fast with a strong beat, probably because I feel like I "dance" thru most of my life anyways.
Guitars or Harmonicas? Guitars accompanied by harmonica!!
Do you play an instrument? Sure!
What one? Flute and Guitar, a tiny bit of Piano, and Percussion, and I sing.
What's the best cd you own? Um...yikes...Kingdom Hearts OST maybe?
What song is stuck in your head right now? You know what, for once, nothing is.
What song reminds you of that special someone? That assumes something, you know.
What (if any) song makes you cry? Letters from War, and a couple by Carolyn Arends I don't remember the titles of
How many singers/bands do you like? Too many for my budget!
Do you like your name? Oh yeah!
What would you name your daughter? I don't know yet, since it's my blessing and prayer for them it'll kinda depend on what's going on when she comes, I think.
What would you name your son? See above.
Favorite names: Mmmm, can't decide!
Have you ever spelled your name backward and call yourself that? Nuh-uh, besides, it sounds so close to my real name (especially if you have an accent) that it doesn't matter
Have you ever thought of weird random names you'd like to have? Jimmy!! But that's not random.
Is your name a boy and girl name? Girls, don't think there's a boy variation yet.
How do you spell your name? Think about it...
Word: yo, dude, word yourself!
Color: blue, green, or purple
Song: For right now? Jesus Is Life, by Steven Curtis Chapman
School subject: molecular biology and related subjects (they're all the same now anyways)
Animal: um...I dunno
Celebrity: Elijah Wood, 'cause he's my brother's age
Magazine: GMC, GameInformer, NewType USA, & National Geographic
Snack: cookies!!
Movie: Independance Day!!
Pair of shoes: Reeboks, can't really wear a whole lot else.
Article of Clothing: I've migrated to cargos, I think.
Food: Mexican!! Arriba!!
Jellybean Flavor: ...don't like jellybeans...
Drink: Water's a personal favorite, though if I did drink soda I'd drink Dr. Pepper or rootbeer
Alcoholic drink: Stomach doesn't like those too much
TV show: Right now? TMNT, new school!!
Sport to watch: Baseball (in person) or football (on TV)...basketball's alright, but they've got those horrid fluorescent lights
Person to talk to online: Mostly Pete or Paul, sometimes Adrian
What color are your sheets? the color of the clean set
Do you have a TV in your bedroom? Yup, an itty-bitty 13"
Do you listen to music while trying to fall asleep? Sometimes, mostly nature sounds/meditation stuff.
Describe the last dream you had: I think I saved the world...lol
How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? 1 and 2 cats
What's under your bed? posters
What books or magazines are near your bed? Um, "A Beginners Guide To Networks", I think.
Did you have a cartoon hero as a kid? I had a lot, and I still do! *grin*
What is your favorite cartoon? Scooby-Doo!!

2004-07-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

Damn, I thought that might happen. The first comment of the last post I made was not meant to logically lead to the following set, it was merely an observation. And an explanation for those who read this who don't know what's up. What followed after is my reaction to two things that came out of this weekend, part of which those of you whom I'm currently talking with had some input in, and part of which other people had some input in. After which when all was said and done, I was trying to get my thoughts balanced out enough that they would actually do me some good. Remind me to only write things I've thought through, the inbetween is not for anyone to know. By the way, the post that started it all was referring to how we listen to others and applies to all levels, more than it was about when and to whom we should listen. Go context, it clarifies everything.

The first thing I reacted against has to do with what happens when one person in a relationship starts to (or continues to) rely on another person's motivation and energy to continue meaningful communication. Having been on both sides of the spectrum on this one, I felt I had reason to comment on the side that hadn't been brought up yet. I am of the personal belief that its not just a friend's responsibility to figure out that something's up with you, its also your responsibility to seek out the help of your friend when that's the case. On the one side, that means to me that I keep my eyes and ears open for what is really going on in the lives of the people around me. It means I pray regularly for them. But it also means that I let them know that there are times when I can't "watch" them as much as usual and I'll depend on them being open and honest more at that time to let me know what's important. Those are the times when I have to let the details go. (And funny, those are the times when the most people get mad at me. Go fig.) Hence, the explanation of where my energy is going to go for the next month. Those of you who know me know that when I have to work on something big, I drop everything else that takes my energy and focus on just that until its done. That's what I was talking about.

On the other side of the equation, it means that I'm always working to be strong enough to be honest with the people around me, to let them know what things I need them to pay attention to if they want to read me and to leave off the mask when it won't blow the world up to do so. I don't think its right to rely on someone else to keep calling your bluffs just to get you to be real. You should tear down your walls with your own hands more than rely on the hands of others. Can you see the imbalance I'm talking about here? Hence the whole thing about "chasing" people.

Now I would of not brought that whole thing up if it weren't for the fact that after this weekend, I felt very much like I was being told that I needed to be the proactive one without the added caveat that the people around me would understand what I need to do right now and how to adapt to it. Thus all I could see was an unbalanced, unhealthy drain on my energy. Hence the reaction, hence the statement. (And before you think that's an attack on you, Matt, its NOT. There are other things going on around here.)

The second thing I was reacting to was the assumption that has been thick in the air around here that "listening" to someone means dropping everything you're doing to spend 6 hours just discussing/listening to one person's problems, and do that immediately whenever that person feels like they're not getting any attention. That action may indeed be necessary from time to time, but I find that it is a pretty rare case with most people. The people who make it a regular order of business are the ones most of us find it hard to be around...Janet, from church, comes to mind here. She'll talk your ear off, but what she really tries to do is get you to feel sorry about her enough that you'll become the busybody she is. Instant soap opera. The kind of "listening" that does people good is the kind that leads to forward movement, and what it looks like on the outside could be anything from an evening at your house to 2 minutes on the phone. Does that make better sense?

Matt, Jon, sorry to make you think you're the reason for all of this, I will clarify until we all get it. But I don't have to time today.

2004-07-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

There's a lot to be said for tracking someone down and just listening to them. OK, sure, I buy that for about 10% of the time. But there's another side to it too, gang, something that I've had to learn and make myself practice until it became habit: If I know that there's someone who's willing to listen to me, I don't have to wait for them to come to me to get something out. It makes me want to call/visit/IM them. Like my mom. I've got something on my mind, I call her, not wait for her to call me to catch up on my life or whatever. If I put the responsibility on her to make me talk, all I'm going to do is wear her out and frustrate myself. People, that should be the exception, not the rule.

Its the same way with God. What's the good of it if I just sit there waiting for Him to break into my life and get me to talk to Him?! He's not going to do that. He knows I'm a being capable of personal relationship and personal choice. He's not going to force Himself on me. That's not the way to build up a relationship that brings balance, life and joy. And if its true with Him, how much more is it true with us who are weak, frail, distracted, busy, and all of that? There are things you can't ask someone to do all the time without breaking them.

So I'm sorry, guys. I've tried it your way, many times, and all that's happened is I've burned myself out badly. The only time I'm going to break in and "make you talk" is if I have a clear suspicion that you are putting a mask up to not deal with your problems. Figuring that out is going to take longer now that I don't live around most of you anymore. I love you, and I'm always here if you need me, but I can't watch you over your shoulder all the time. I do "listen" to what you tell me and how you tell me it all the time, but if you want a nice, long, involved discussion you'll have to tell me so I can clear an evening and make tea. College life is over, things just aren't as spontaneous and close-contact as they were then. I'm not saying that as an excuse, but as a recognition of change. Even with Jessie and Karin, I have to plan time together just for the purpose of talking now. Its a lot harder to do, because we have our own lives, so I'm lucky if I get to really talk with them about once every 3 months. Yeah, and that's me living close to Jessie and seeing her at church on Sundays.

I might as well warn everyone as well, right now I'm not going to be going on any "break down the walls" quests for at least a month. I need to study. And that's all I'm going to be doing for a while. If you want me you'll have to come get me, my world is going to consist of books and the occasional video game and I won't be able to watch over anybody except those quite forcefully under my nose. And even them, not very well.

I guess my real question, for the two of you I know about, is do you really believe that I won't listen to you if you wanted me to? Do you really think that I don't care that much? What kind of person or friend do you think I am? I can't prove my friendship by chasing after you right now. I don't think that's what you need. My door is open and my phone is on, the only way I can serve you right now is if you come to me, where I can drop everything for a little while and then pick it back up without screwing it up too much. I'm not too busy for you, but I'm too swamped to chase you. Does that make sense?

It just occured to me that I need to say something that might be really misunderstood. Um, here's the deal, guys. God has given me a job to do, a task to be faithful at. At this level, I'm not even talking "calling" or anything like that, just day to day. When I was younger, my "job" had a lot to do with reaching out to people and friends...now it doesn't. What He's given me to do now takes priority. Over everything. I am still the same as I've always been: I'm loyal to a fault and I care way too much to see clearly sometimes. But where once I could spend most of my energy on serving my friends, I can't now. I'm not allowed. Before I carried a lot of people on my shoulders. Now, I have to walk with you, we have to follow Christ together on our own strength. So I can't do as I used to, drag you off to a corner every time I saw you and say "ok, what's really going on". The times that God asks me to do that with someone are really rare now. I have to let you learn to live your own lives, and be a steady encouragement from the outside by being available when you need me and performing my responsiblities faithfully, so you have a friend with the kind of character you can count on. I can't watch out for you all like I did once...I may not be able to do that again until I retire or am too old to pull off the crazy stuff I do. I've even had to change how I pray for you a bit, doing it the old way just breaks me down. I still care. I still love you, and I am more committed to you than many of you know. But it won't be the same on the outside, because there's something more important now than being everyone's support. If I give in, if I quit and go back, I'm going to do you more damage than I even want to think about. I know that. I have to go forward. For Him, and for you, and for me. That's what it really is. Probably makes no sense...wish I could explain better. I don't make much sense at times. But that's what it is.

2004-07-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

I've discovered an odd fact about Xanga that I didn't know I knew until I said it out loud: people really use this place as a "safe haven". They express all these feelings that they don't feel safe to say out loud to the people they live with in the language of a private journal. Then they tell the people they trust about the site, so at least somebody reads it and agrees. A fantastic idea. Why?

Ever been in a spot where even though the other person says they understand your point, you don't feel they do because you have much much more to say on the subject? I know I do. When all your feelings are written down, however, in a much more one-sided kind of conversation, you feel like you got it all out and the other person was forced to sit and listen to you. All the way through. Now all of a sudden it feels like they know your side of it for sure. And like they have heard all of it before they react. After all, how many of us really get to the most important issue first? We like to dance around a bit.

That's a really important thing to know about people. More of us feel like this than we care to admit, I think. Probably because in this day and age, we (as a society) really suck at listening. I kinda like having a place where I can write things I like to talk about and I know someone will read them. And a place where I can control their responses to what I say. (If I don't like it, I'll delete it! kinda thing).

But there's also something wrong with it too...because people don't listen, its easy to use things like Xanga to substitute. And then we don't learn to listen either. I mean, come on people. When it comes right down to it, nothing subs for a real flesh-and-blood human being listening to you all the way through and responding respectfully at the end of it. But how are we ever going to develop that if we aren't willing to talk to each other in the real situations we find ourselves in? K, ya, sure there are things you can and can't say to so-and-so at times. And relying on one person for this is too much of a burden. I know that. But its gotta start somewhere, with someone, and if you're reading this that means you. And me.

Wanna see the world change? Let's become people who listen.

(You may now return to your regularly scheduled browsing.)

2004-07-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the well-wishes, all! They are muchly appreciated.

You know when they say "all work and no play"? Well, they're right. Again. I finally took a couple days off for the first time in 4 months and rediscovered how much I was shooting myself in the foot by not having time to just play and have fun. Maybe the chaos wasn't all my fault, but it was my fault how I decided to handle it. Ah, the ongoing struggle for personal balance...

Speaking of which, my third class in Aikido is tonight at the Navel Academy. Whoo! This form is sure different than I thought it'd be! But its good for me, because it makes me accept my personal limitations (never going to be a Jackie Chan, I guess!) and learn how to work within them. Its very very different. I like it! Definitely something I'll be learning for years and years to come.

Well work calls. Later ya'll, go play already!!

2004-06-25T15:28:00.000-07:00

Argh. I would really like to put this part of my page in a bordered box but I can't figure out how to pull that off...at least not for free. Anybody got a clue to give me?

Happy 24th to me!! I think I'm going to celebrate by calling up my parents and telling them thanks. I kind of hope the Lord has something special planned for me and Him today...that would be really cool! I need to hear I'm loved and appreciated from my family and friends of course, but since He's decided He wants me all to Himself for a while, I'd love to hear it from Him too. Sometimes it is almost like having a boyfriend.

But most of all for my birthday this year, I'd like a weekend where He does something amazing in the lives of the people around me. Like Laura, that He'd set her free from one major thing that's holding her down. And Daniel, that he'd get a chance to hear (and believe it) that his dad loves him and is proud of him. For Beth, that she'd find the place where she can understand she is always approved of no matter what's up with the family. For Jim, maybe that the discernment he's learning with the Berkhiemers would start clicking in with his own family and bring about an answer.

Jessie and Adrian? Mmmm, that this whole house thing would be a place of joyful hospitality right off. Danny, that he would know that we believe in him for a reason so he can have the courage to take the plunge into life. I would really like my brother Tim to find a church like BayRidge that he can be a part of without condemnation. For Mum, that the new meds will be provided and they will actually do something! Oh, and that Trinity will wake up and grow inside, so she'll have the church community she longs for. For Gen, time to rest and another companion to walk with when my mom can't. Dad and Cathy, I'd like to give them something that would bring a sense of "family", mmmm, maybe a new way to include them in my new life. Those kinds of things are really important to them.

There's lots more I could wish for. But I think that's a good start. Ok, Lord! Do Your thing!

2004-06-15T15:50:00.000-07:00

One of my friends put this up on our forum, and I really think its a great explanation of why "anime" is hard for a lot of Americans, especially Christians, to understand. I'll publish my own thoughts on this later.

Kimberly Eridon - Jun 10, 2004

Actually, from an American standpoint, even most anime that is aimed at young children can contain a lot more violence and mature themes than American children's television (though not all of it-A Little Snow Fairy Sugar comes to mind because I just finished it). When people say there are cultural differences, they're not just being flippant. A lot of the misunderstandings have to do with the difference in the general Japanese world view and a sort of more "relaxed" view where the Japanese don't feel the need to "protect" their children from real-life realites like death and senseless acts of violence and their consequences.

It's fascinating to study what scholars have to say about this whole issue (Japanese pop culture in general/anime in particular) because it really does make you think about the difference a world view can make. It's not as if the Japanese are saying, "Hey, let's ruin our kids lives by letting a main character die in a tragically sacrificial way" or "Let's make this character smoke in order to corrupt our youth" or "How about we give these characters short skirts and show cleavage to destroy the morals of the youth." That's just how Americans tend to interpret it because they have no world view framework on which to hang the anime but their own, which is not the one shared by the creators of anime.

For parents, it really comes down to spending time with your kids, knowing what they're watching and what it contains (same for American or Japanese television). The same is true for books. If parents take the time to know, there won't be as many surprises, and anime does present a lot of moral questions that would make great discussions for parents and children or just adults in general. Taking that time in practice is, as we know, really hard. Then there is the fact that what an adult may consider revealing may just be what people are wearing nowadays (in terms of exposure) and may not catch a child's eye at all or in the same way. I kind of wish more parents would talk to their kids about modesty when they have been walking around in public and seeing how people dress. Of course, I might possibly die of embarrassment if I had to talk to a seven-year-old about why that lady shouldn't be wearing a shirt that tiny or something like that.

Then there's the whole sex issue. Once again, it's a general world view issue. Since the Japanese have a very different view of human sexuality, the content of their popular culture is going to express that. If there's any major pot hole in letting your American kids watch Japanese animation without taking the time to talk about it with them, I would say this would be it. Common occurances include homosexuality, school kid crushes on the same gender (which they consider to be not quite the same thing), an emphasis on "real" anatomy, kids dating their teachers in secret, and more. How'd ya' like to talk that over with your eight-year-old? But just because it's hard doesn't mean it's useless or must be avoided.

And not every anime contains the same content or amount. Shows aimed at little kids can't have any out and out anatomically correct nudity in them, but they may contain communal bathing scenes because that's something they do in Japan where there isn't a lot of fresh water and most people don't have a nudity taboo. In general, I try to find out before I view things what's in them so I don't get blindsided. That doesn't mean I look up spoilers; it means I do research in a few places and find out about objectionable content. And when something in an anime flabbergasts or confuses me, I do more research to try to figure out what I'm missing. It makes anime and movies more than just something I brainlessly watch to be entertained. Then again, I am known as something of a nerd, and I put way more effort into most things than the average sane human being, so I'm probably overanalyzing this the way I do other things.

However, if you look, there is clean stuff out there. You just have to look. And maybe be forearmed with a little knowledge of culture (although it's kind of fun to learn about it after the fact when it leaves you scratching your head-communal bathing in Totoro, for example, or anatomically correct dogs in Junkers Come Here [Lady and the Tramp it ain't, though that movie was controversial for its very name in the beginning).

I think I shall leave you with a semi-random story. I was the biggest G.I. Joe fan in the world as a child and still am one (Did you know they're coming out with boxed sets now? I want to get that one miniseries about Shipwreck and his lost memory!). Scarlet is the coolest girl ever. She had red hair, and I had a red bathrobe, and I would put it on and be Scarlet. Or I would just jump off things and play fight until I kicked COBRA's butts from Bowling Green to Bulgaria. Scarlet rocked. She wore a suit that covered her entire body. It was kind of camouflage. She trained hard and could beat the hoohah out of the boys, too, and often did. She saved the world. More than once. A few years ago, I learned that there was a huge controversy surrounding G.I. Joe at the time it came out because the voice actor they chose to play Scarlet was a famous adult film actress or something. Parents were appalled at this and thought it would lead to the corruption of the youth. I've got news for you: your average five-year-olds didn't understand that and wouldn't have cared anyway. All I knew is that Scarlet worked hard, and she helped save the world from evil even when it was hard. She helped her friends and tried to protect her family. She was a great role model.

2004-05-23T15:53:00.000-07:00

I just felt like smiling at everyone. My current line of thought is on the importance of proper independence. Living where I am, it is real easy for me to just let myself get sucked into the world around me and forget that there are much better ways of dealing with pain than just letting myself be carried along. God gave me the old smack down on Tuesday, and pointed out that the things I've been overly spending my money on, like DVDs, I've been using as a way to kind of try and declare my independence from the problems around me. Problem is, that kind of spending is actually preventing me from really being independent, by sucking dry my savings and stuff. Its making me rely more and more on the people I need to be independent from in order to be any good to them (or myself). Argh...

I guess its just another form of running. Because it does hurt to be here. Everyone around me is hurting so much, I can't help but feel it. Its not that there isn't hope, or that they aren't doing the right things or anything like that. Its just that right now things are starting to be dealt with, and that hurts. And I can really pick up on it.

So I'm working on building my own "home-within-a-home" if you will, my own space inside of someone else's. Its hard, and it means that I have to think differently about things like my money (I suck at that!), but I know that it will be the balance I need to keep going, keep loving, keep serving, and keep learning.

I guess that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, but its a xanga page so what the hey. Later!

2004-05-06T16:51:00.000-07:00

And once again, life moves at a pace that I can almost keep up with...for a while...

This is Day 3 for me on Concerta, an ADD time-release drug. Dunno what I think, I definately felt like I wanted to be more productive the past few days but that could of been because this is my first week in 4 where I've had no major documentation projects due, travel plans at odd hours, or minor crisises of the heart to add stress to the weight. Have I actually been productive? I don't know...

I think I might need some meditation time, to re-settle myself and clarify my directions. I may know overall what I'm doing, but its so easy to get sidetracked in the smaller things that get you there that you need to re-center yourself every once in a while. Hopefully I can make time for that tonight or this weekend.

In the obligatory 'toon reference for the day, I'm discovering how much I really like the current remake of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The guys who did it did a great job blending the power of an actual plot with some of the movie(s) storyline, the characterizations from the original animation, and the kick-butt action of modern kung-fu based comics. All of which leads me to say, I think I might actually like this rendition better than the original! And that says a lot.

2004-04-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, ugh...

Got the flu this week for the first time in what like 8 years. Realized why I don't miss that one bit! PEOPLE, GET YOUR FLU SHOTS!!!! It ain't worth it to skimp on 'em. BTW thanks to all you kind people who dropped in and saw me while I was comatose, I appreciate it a lot even if I wasn't talking to well when I saw you.

I'm still slightly nauseous, but that's more due to my eyes now I think. Staring at this bright screen doesn't help...so I'll quit for now. Later. ~A

2004-04-03T23:51:00.000-08:00

What ho, gang!

Hey, I finally got around to updating my website tonight. Hurrah! Boy, do I feel better now, like I actually can get things done. Update on the fish: so far, nobody's died and it looks like they are all improving. Double Hurrah!

Had Kim Brown over last night and today to eat ice cream, watch movies, and generally just hobnob about. Good times, as Laura-kid would say. I think I'm having a "bad" effect on that family. Or at least, the kids. For all they've grown up with no real exposure to the general cartoon/fantasy/magic/anime/science fiction craziness, not to mention the world of academic research, they're having to learn from sheer association with me! Hope I don't overdo it. After all, there is such a thing as godly personal convictions that are different between Christians.

For all you gamers out there, geez-o-pete! is Jak II hard! But I am having fun blowing stuff up, and of course the best part is watching the cut scenes anyways. Hope I don't get so frustrated that I throw the towel in before I finish the story. After all, if my RPG skills aren't failing me, Jak's destined to rule Haven City, according to all the "pre-shadowing" going on.

Later, yo!

2004-04-02T12:15:00.000-08:00

Ah, the comicstrip of life...

So much for updating the webpage. As soon as I finished writing that, I went upstairs, turned on the lights and discovered that the puddle of water that kept appearing in the hall was NOT due to repeated clumsiness on my part, but to a nice leak in the ceiling. Laura-kid looked at it from the stairs and whaddoyaknow, a whole square foot and a half of the ceiling is sagging in under the weight of water. (Its a running gag that whenever Dad Linehan goes on a business trip, something drastic always happens to the house. This may be the fastest it happened yet, only two days since he took off for Yuma!)

OK, don't panic. Bust a call to the Leydorfs so at least SOMEONE with a clue is on hand and get a bucket for the hall. Then Danny and I climbed around in the attic to take a look. Whee, have we got a nice little problem! The support beam is practically soaked at the joint and moldy, and there's a nice size puddle between the beams on the floor. So while I got educated about the dangers of free-floating fiberglass, Danny tried to mop up as much as he could with a towel. Unfortunately...even that slight pressure cause the ceiling to cave in quite a bit. Eek... So now we have a nice duck-tape pattern on the hall ceiling to hold it up while we wait to replace it.

Step 2 involved us climbing onto the roof in the dark and laying a tarp down to prevent any more water from seeping in. That's how I found out that Dad hasn't been able to clean the gutters in a while. So I think I'll be doing that sometime this weekend. You know, the whole thing is just rather comical!

On the plus side, Mom Linehan's new glasses are really working great and I've started the long project of backing up my music CDs. Oh, and Dark Cloud 2 is turning out to be an interesting game!

That's it from me! Later!

~A

PS thanks Brandikins!

2004-04-01T17:59:00.000-08:00

BLECH...

Well, there is is folks! I'm burned out and my glasses have faded beyond my bod's ability to ignore anymore, so I'm feeling rather sickish at the moment. Stayed home from work today simply because I really didn't want to go in. It isn't as bad as it sounds...I worked all through the Spring Break holiday without anytime off so I had the overtime to do it...but I really don't like the whole "give up because I don't feel like it" thing. ...guilt trip, guilt trip... Though maybe a large part of that is how helpless and stressed I'm feeling about my fish. They've been sick now for 2 weeks and we finally tried something drastic yesterday to try and beat it (ie, treating the whole system with meds). Only problem is I've never done it before and nobody really knows how the system is put together so I could of easily screwed something up without knowing it when I shut things off...at least I hope its off...dang. I know you can't run when you take responsibility for something, but I sure feel like running today.

NEways, I've put the time to good use and actually started working on some of the projects I've had going on around here for oh, 50 years I guess. I want to feel like I actually live in my own home for once. Sheesh. So if you all have time, pop over to my homepage in about 2 hours, once I've uploaded the latest adjustments. Maybe you'll find something fun.

Ok, later!

2004-03-10T12:40:00.000-08:00

I'm so seriously going thru withdrawl...or I would be if I had time to think about it. No games for a week and a half! *sigh*

Had a bunch of my younger girlfriends over this past weekend. Funny, every one of them except me has tried to commit suicide, at some point or another. What I can't figure out is why I never have. We all came from Christian homes, we all went through a lot of crap, we all have chemical problems with our bodies, so why them and not me? I mean, I believe that life is well worth living no matter what, but there was a time when I didn't think that.

I wish I knew. Because if its one thing I'd want to give them, its the hope that says that there are things in life worth more than the pain, and there is always a possibility for change as long as you are alive. "My hands are small, I know, but they're not yours, they are my own. Yes, they're not yours, they are my own and I am never broken..." ~ Jewel

2004-02-27T15:46:00.000-08:00

Reading Dan's latest post has me thinking even more than I was already today. Sometimes I wish he'd just share that stuff out loud in conversation, because I know he's a deep thinker and I respect people like that. But then again that might be just one more way that he keeps himself "aloof", like he was saying. I do it too, though in a different way. My way to keep people distant is to always be giving them something, usually something that they need, but not to receive from them in like kind.

Dan reminds me of Solomon right now, and a bit of my friend Joel. Joel is all head, you know, he's got the clearest most cynical view of reality that sometimes I wonder why he's still here at all. All three of them sound like they've got a pretty good view of the meaningless part of life. I mean, you need all the good stuff like love and joy and peace and knowing yourself, but then there's no way to get those things without getting trampled and maimed and horribly hurt in the process. And even once you have those things its not like you can't lose them...which makes you wonder if its worth it in the first place.

I've been thinking all day that I don't really "get" reality. All my hobbies are things that make me believe that there's stuff worth laughing at and enjoying in life, but they can also make me forget all the crap that comes with it. Sometimes that's ok, but for me right now, I want to see what parts of my Christianity will hold up under the weight of living. I don't mean like if some guy were to bust into my work and hold a gun to my head would I deny Christ. I believe in Him, I will 'till I die. I mean will He stand through all the crap that comes at me everyday, through the people I know and through myself. I've been listening to Jewel at work today and the thing that gets me is the clarity with which she sees life, how it works and who people are. She's hard for me to listen to because she doesn't encourage me. If her view of people is right, if the great thinkers of the past are right, life really sucks even more than I've experienced myself.

And I know God knows that life here sucks, because I read in His Word all about women being raped and tortured, children orphaned and abused, men doing great things only to turn around and kill themselves and their best friends. I read about liars and thieves, murderers, hypocrites, and prostitutes...some of them are people most of us think of as heroes...I read about the average joe who doesn't understand why his wife left him, about the father so desperate to get drunk that he doesn't even know his daughters slept with him. I know He sees it. I want to know if He sees anything else. Sure I believe He does. Sure I believe there's hope for people, for a love that doesn't hurt you or leave you or turn on you. But I want to see it in action. I want to see it in the middle of the brokenness of my reality and the realities of the people around me.
And if I do, I'm going to go ahead and love people and get hurt and make mistakes and all that other stuff because I'll know that there's something out there working to heal all that, and it will be right in the end.

2004-02-24T22:53:00.000-08:00

So even though I'm rather bushed and work is very long at the moment, I"m really excited about how my webpage is coming together. Really! Its like Hannibal from the A-Team, when he takes the cigar out of his mouth at the end of the show and goes "I love it when a plan comes together." In the middle of all my projects at least one of them seems to be working right. Yay!

In other news, my brother's IM basketball team (The Fighting Amish) has apparently been kicking major butt in D-league. Go Tim!!! Feel better soon!

2004-02-21T21:23:00.000-08:00

GO LOOK AT MY WEBPAGE NOW, IT'S GOT A NEW FORMAT THAT'S GREAT BUT IS DRIVING ME COMPLETELY NUTS!!! (Just ask Uncle Al.)

2004-02-17T15:57:00.000-08:00

BTW, does everyone like the new "Kingdom Hearts" setup? I can't wait for the next game to come out!!!

Its a Body thing ~ March 2, 2003

2003-03-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

A certain gentleman named Joe attended a church in town for a couple of years after his conversion at the age of 42. Then for some reason which no one could figure out, he stopped going. After about 6 months of this the pastor called up and arranged to visit Joe in his home. Joe greeted the pastor with warmth at the door and invited him into the living room, where he had two comfortable armchairs in front of the fireplace. They chatted amiably for about half an hour about the weather, golf and other such things until the pastor finally asked, "So Joe, why haven't you been at church for a while? I haven't seen you for about 6 months now." "Oh well, you know, pastor, I've discovered that I can do everything we do at church right here," Joe replied cheerfully. "I just pop out my hymnal and sing a few songs, watch the pastors on TV, even listen to your sermons on the radio. Its just like church, you know, but without all that hassle of people and de-icing your car. So I don't really need to go, see."

The pastor took this in with a thoughtful expression while Joe grinned at him. Then he reached over for the fire tongs, picked up a log from the center of the flames, and placed it on the hearth. Both he and Joe sat in silence, watching as the log slowly died out. Finally the pastor said, "Joe, that's what happens to each one of us when we separate ourselves from the body of Christ."

It's a body thing, really. The "church" is more than just a service we attend faithfully every Sunday. Its more than just a Bible study during the week, or that prayer partner you just can't get together with. It's more than a liturgy or a doctrinal statement or even a crowd of hypocrites. Its a living, breathing organism that grows, stumbles, serves, praises, fails, but above all it edifies. That's because the people who make up the church are in a dynamic new relationship, with God and with each other. It is together that we are God's people.

I think that's what Paul was getting at in I Corinthians 13. I can legitimately apply that passage to how I personally love individuals I am friends & family with, or dating, or married to, whatever. But when you apply it to how we are to relate to our fellow believers, suddenly your whole picture of the "church" changes. People who willingly choose to forgive when somebody gossips or lies to them? People who willingly choose not to gossip or complain because they want to build someone up to their face AND behind their backs? People who remember that their fellow believers are "dust", just like their Lord does? All of a sudden its a lot easier to be a sinner saved by grace, when people can love each other like that.

And that is so important to strive for, because once you are saved you are irrevocably tied to the imperfect people of God. Did you know that? We don't really have a choice in the matter. We can't choose our fellow believers (that's God's prerogative), and we are intimately tied together in such a way that when we hurt "the Body", we actually hurt ourselves. Its more than just Christ's reputation at stake when we choose not to love: its our own spiritual well-being, because God has designed the church in such a way that each person needs everyone else. By being in relationships with each other, especially in unifying to come before God's throne in worship and humility, we fuel the fire of our passion for Christ and His work. That's why Christ prays so long for unity among His followers (John 17). That's why Paul says that it is only together that we are made perfect.

Joe, by the way, got a clue. And as far as I know, he hasn't missed a Sunday since.

Unintentionally related to V-day ~ February 16, 2003

2003-02-16T11:49:00.000-08:00

"Cause love is different than you'd think
Its never in a song or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time and everything's alright
Yeah, I said love is different than you would think"
Love Is Different ~ Caedmon's Call

I think I might of found the theme for my semester. It's an interesting phenomenon, but my school years have themes to them of hard concepts God wants me to learn. Last school year it was that God's grace is the place you gain the courage to see yourself as He sees you. This September I thought this year was going to be all about learning to stand on my own two feet, but it looks like that will just be a by-product of another, harder lesson: what it means to truly love someone.

I'm not really referring to romantic love. That's all well and good, but it finds it basis in another kind of love, relational love. I used to think that all it took to love my friends and family was to be really loyal to them, to try to take care of them and all that. That if I was friendly enough, tried not to expect to be repaid for what I gave, and offered a listening ear every once in a while that would be enough. That was it...that was love.

That kind of love doesn't hold up when you have your first real fight.

1 Corinthians 13 has been challenging me in ways I don't like (but I need) as we have been going through it in church. Paul has just spent two-thirds of a letter pointing out to the Corinthians how worldly they have been acting, when he comes to his trump card. "And now I will show you the most excellent way," he says. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." Wow. Now that is a love I want to know, to experience both giving and receiving. Its something I don't particularly understand, simply because I am so used to my old definition. And it is something I don't really have the power to create within myself. It requires the Spirit of God. How else would anybody be able to not be self-seeking or grudging when they get hurt?

This kind of love takes risks. People are broken down, rotten scum; they're going to hurt you no matter how you shield yourself. But despite all that true love can see past that to care about the offenders. It doesn't hold itself back just because its going to get hurt at some point, and it isn't taken by surprise because it holds a realistic view of people. It keeps us in contact with friends miles away, enables us to be faithful in marriage, and allows us to lay down our lives in a foreign country. It is a live, dynamic thing. But it sure takes some growing into. I only know a little, but I'll admit, I'm scared. I've had enough taken from me in my life to be very wary of taking risks in relationships. All the same, "love is different than you would think..." Maybe God is telling me that there's not really anything to be scared of.

Pass the Honey-eucalyptus, please... ~ February 3, 2003

2003-02-03T11:47:00.000-08:00

I'm discovering that honesty in church is dangerous. Did you know that if you walk into a church where Christ is preached with a mind to see yourself as God sees you, you're asking for it? Yeah, caught me by surprise too. There I sat in the third pew from the front, listening to a sermon on how love is not "self-seeking", and even though I didn't particularly want to be depressed that day all I could think of was what a selfish prig I am. For those of you who disagree, thanks be to God for His grace to you. (For the rest of you, yeah yeah took me forever to catch on, right?)

But I took even more than a fresh outlook on myself away with me. I was reminded once again of the important fact that if you "get something" out of a sermon or a service, only one-half of that comes from the outside. The other half comes from what you bring with you. If I walk into church expecting to hear a word from the Lord about how I can obey Him, I'll hear it. If I sit down expecting to be bored out of my mind, counting the number of times people cough during the sermon is going to be such great fun! In a real sense, you help create the reality you inhabit. Our Lord never pushed people over until there was no other way for Him to get their attention (i.e. cleaning out the temple with some string). If you want to persist in closing your ears to Him, He'll let you. After all, the resulting misery is enough to break us.

Its funny how many Christians will say they know that true Christianity is more than just practicing your faith at church. And most will be eager to point out that they go to Bible studies or help out at Youth group or try to witness at work. And you know what, I'd say that too. But that makes it too easy for me to forget that the real stuff, the hard stuff that I need to be doing is relational, not action-al. Have you made a habit of listening to the Spirit during the week? Have you talked to the Lord about that pet sin you like to ignore? Have you laid down a burden at His feet before Sunday rolls around? Church has never been meant to be the only time when we get down and dirty with God to deal with what our hearts really feel. Heart-work is not something you can do at the flip of a switch. Its meant to be a part of our everyday, our outlook on life and our reason for perseverance.

So I suggest that everyone take some of the attitude that grows on you in church and plunk it right into your week. Then when Sunday comes again, you can take some of that actual practical new attitude into church with you. I guarantee that it will change what you get out of it.

When you want too much of a clue ~ January 26, 2003

2003-01-26T11:46:00.000-08:00

Since I started off last semester by talking about wisdom, I thought I'd lack imagination and do the same for this one. Over this Christmas break I had the opportunity to consider the idea of "wisdom" in a new light. The Bible study which I was attending has been working through J. I. Packer's excellent book, Knowing God. At the time which I crashed in, they were discussing the chapter about "God's Wisdom and Ours".

Packer makes some very interesting points in this chapter, which is roughly based off of Ecclesiastes. Did you know that the Teacher is perfectly right? Life IS meaningless. Not once in the Bible does God promise us that He's going to fill us in on everything He's doing in history. Horrible and difficult things happen, like September 11, and it really doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Out of His grace and for the strengthening of our faith He sometimes lets us see something in hindsight, but really how often does that happen? Not enough for me, I can tell you.

Packer points out the fact that in reality, God's purposes behind life just can't be divined or understood by normal human, or even sanctified, reasoning. His ways are inscrutable unless He chooses to reveal Himself. We would do well do understand this. How many times have I caught myself trying to coach myself through a difficult time by trying to state that this or that must be the reason I'm going through it? And how many times have I just assumed in prayer that I've got a right to know, or that I have some special connection with God such that He's going to tell me all the time? And then when it doesn't happen I get angry and accuse God of breaking His part of the bargain. WHAT bargain?

The truth is, people, if you want to know why things happen in your life God's Word will tell you, not your own analysis of the situation or your basically childish prayers to God. Do you know why people suffer in this world? Because it is fallen. Why can't we find solid proof of exactly how God created the universe? Because the minds of men are in darkness. Maybe that isn't specific enough for you or me, but that's exactly what we need to understand to live. God is much bigger than all our attempts to peg Him down to this or that reason, this or that pattern. That is why the Teacher, in Ecclesiastes 12, concludes that we should "...fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man."

So next time you run across someone who feels like their life sucks, don't get offended by their "lack of faith" or try to explain "why" it happened to them. Just stand there and love them. Because you know what, life on this earth really does suck. But even so we have a great and merciful God who is working all to the good of those who love Him anyways, and we can count on Him to share with us exactly what we need to know for living. Now that is wisdom.

Are you afraid of heights? ~ December 3, 2002

2002-12-03T11:44:00.000-08:00

The danger about getting on a soapbox is sooner or later you figure out that you are preaching to yourself just as much as to other people. You discover that all soapboxes do is provide better light for people to watch how you live and see if it matches up with all your talk. Once you know that, you find that all of a sudden it takes some courage to get up there and "preach" to people, especially about things you are struggling with yourself.

I've been thinking a lot about courage lately, maybe because I'm finally succumbing to the "senior willies". Its funny how scary life can get at times. Independence takes you by surprise, people you love die, you are faced with choices that could make or break you, sin just doesn't want to let go of your mind, lots of things. You wake up one day to the fact that life is full of hard, difficult things, things that hurt or require big risks. And I know for myself, I look at them and feel really small, scared, powerless, angry that I have to go through it all, frustrated that I'm not making progress. But it all boils down to the question, "Am I going to have courage?"

Courage is the willingness to take the risks and face the pain even when you don't feel like it. Its a choice to trust God to provide for everything you need, an honest acceptance of reality that doesn't lose faith in the sight of difficulty. Its not really an emotion, but more an action and an attitude. And it doesn't come easy. But I have yet to read of a saint or follower of God who didn't have to exercise courage at many points in his walk with the Lord. Its something that comes from God, but its also something we foster within ourselves.

Did you know that what you do effects your ability to have courage? I'm finding this out for myself this year. A lot of us are nervous about how we're going to handle life after graduation. You know what? Gaining experience and doing your studies thoroughly can give you courage in your own capabilities. That's why its important to do well in school, not for the grades but for the confidence that comes from having trained yourself well. A lot of us are nervous about sharing our faith, and whether what we believe will really hold up in the "real world". But if I'm studying the Word actively, if I'm challenging my mind and heart with Biblical teaching, and if I'm communing with my God every day, I'm not going to be stuck for an answer when the time comes. It will be a part of who I am. A lot of us are discouraged about sin in our lives that just won't let go, and we've given up struggling with it. Hey, facing sin for what it is and fighting it takes courage. The more we come to understand the power of God's grace to us, the less we fear defeat by sin because we know God's viewpoint. Looking at it His way helps us become able to put the sin in our lives to death.

There are a lot of things that we do, however, that can take away our courage. If I don't study well on a regular basis, I can't convince myself that I'm going to make it in grad school no matter how hard I try. If I don't tell God how I feel about everything in my life, even the things I don't want anyone to know about, I just can't bring myself to trust Him to work for my good in things although I believe it with my head. If I hide the fact that I'm scared by burying myself in "fun things" and I don't get up and do the stuff that enables me to live in this world I'm a part of, I'm going to have good reason to be scared of failure. Its a choice I make in how I spend my time, what things I put into my brain, and how I relate to my Savior. And it can either cripple me or make me able to fly. So think about it. What things give you courage to follow God wherever He leads? When to day comes and He asks you to stand alone, are you going to have the courage to do it?

So ask yourself a tough one ~ October 29, 2002

2002-10-29T11:42:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the Gospel. The question came up two weeks ago, "How would you explain the Gospel in 10 seconds?" 10 seconds is a really short time period, I discovered. All I could say is "Where do I start?!" But there's more to presenting the Gospel to someone than just giving a pat answer, although I do think its a good idea to have a 10 second sentence to help you understand the core of it. Invariably someone will ask things like, why did God make/allow evil in the world? Why do people suffer? And isn't it really His fault in the first place for allowing this to all happen?

Those are some tough questions, questions that require more than just a thoughtful answer though at least that. Any answer should be accompanied by an understanding love because they indicate a real deep hurt in someone's life, whether saved or not. And the answers are still the same for both, because of the existence of One we call Absolute Truth. Here is what I have been thinking for the past two weeks. Some of it I can't point to a single verse to justify it, but I can argue for it from what I understand of the character of God.

There are two basic concepts that I have to assume. God is sovereign, and God is a Redeemer. He has authority over everything, but He makes it His business to take that which is basically broken (I call that "evil" if you will) and turn it into something for His glory because He loves what He has made. Why did God allow evil into the world? Because He wants His image-bearers, those He loves more than life, to eagerly choose to love and serve Him of their own wills. Adam and Eve had a choice in the garden, either to love and serve God willingly or to disobey Him, to their own destruction. They had what I would call true "free will", even though He designed them to do the first so they kind of had a predisposition to one choice over the other. Sometimes people say that by putting the Trees there God was basically tempting Adam and Eve to sin and so its God's fault we're in this mess in the first place. Well, no...to tempt someone to do something they already have to have a desire towards doing it, otherwise it really had no effect on what they do. God stacked the cards in Adam's favor when He made him perfect, so to speak. That's what made the first sin all the more horrendous. Adam had to overcome an advantage to do what he did.

Once Adam sinned, the world basically started to break down. Sin became an ingrained, inherited part of the human nature and man's fellowship with God was utterly destroyed. Why is there suffering? Because mankind was not designed to deal with sin and death. We were designed for love, not hatred. For peace, and not war. We were meant to live and not die. We suffer because we are God's image-bearers who carry within us something totally against His character. Is it any wonder life hurts? A lot of people who ask this question really mean, "Why me?!" And although God's sovereignty is part of the answer, the rest of it is that this is the way our world works now. It happens to all of us, and really if we wanted to admit it, why have we been blessed with any good thing either? That's why the church is so important here on earth, because it is a visible reminder for broken humans of the love of God. He cares a lot that we hurt and are broken and He promises not to leave us there.

The next question often is why is God letting us continue to suffer? Why doesn't He just blow us away and be done with it? Well, that's kind of complicated. And I can't claim in any of this to have a complete answer. But what I can say from Scripture is that God is a just Redeemer. If God had killed Adam and Eve right at the start, He would of been justified in doing so. That was the law, if you sin you die. At the same time He made His image-bearers to be eternal beings like Himself, so while simply nullifying their existence might of removed the heinousness of their presence but it would not of satisfied His justice. "Eternal" guilt demands "eternal" punishment, which is how He deals with Satan and his minions. Did you know that Hell was not originally created to punish humans? Mankind wasn't made to ever go there, its primarily a place of punishment for Satan and his angels. (This is a Revelation idea, but I can't find an exact reference for it.) But because we are eternal beings too, following Satan's actions gets us in on his punishment too. So are you sure you really want what you're asking for?

But the more powerful answer to that question in my opinion comes back again to the fact that our God is a loving Redeemer. If any of you ever get the chance, pick up the Simarillion by J. R.R. Tolkien. In the first few chapters, he presents the rebellion of one of the "mighty beings" who decides he will sing his own melody and not the part he was made for by his Creator. The result is complete discordance in the creation of Erna, or the world of Middle Earth. The rest of the beings petition the Creator to destroy both the irreparably ruined new world and the one responsible for its destruction. But the Creator's answer was that He would so move that out of this one's rebellion he would bring greater glory to Himself. I love that answer, its so ironic. Despite Satan's attempts to steal God's glory, in the end he'll be used of God to bring about a greater good. So he can't ever win, he's still going to do what he was made to do and he knows it. I think the same is true for us. God's in the business of doing the impossible, of making His enemies His heirs. We are not going to stay broken, He is working through our world and ourselves to make for Himself a people who willingly choose above everything else to love and obey Him. Our God is greater than the suffering we have inflicted upon ourselves, and He's out to prove it.

That's why, Christian, "...we have this treasure in earthen vessels, to show that this power is from God and not from us." (2 Cor. 4:7) I don't think I mind suffering for a while if thru me the redeeming power of our awesome loving God can shine thru to this world He made. I want everyone to know! Isn't it worth it? One day I know that I will be able to stand in the presence of my King and declare that I choose Him above everything else, to willing serve and love, because He will have remade me to be able to say and mean that with everything I am. And that grace can belong to anyone because He freely offers it. Hallelujah! That's the Gospel to me.

So You Want To Be A Wise Guy... ~ October 16, 2002

2002-10-16T11:40:00.001-07:00

Okay, I'll confess...I'm obsessed with something. Well, as obsessed as my personality gets. I've got this gung-ho attitude about wisdom. Its great stuff! I mean, just read Proverbs and you'll discover that it can save your life, give prosperity, help you endure hard times, and overcome your faults. It keeps you on the straight and narrow and it allows you to serve those around you. It can give you the vision to survive in the heartbroken world we live in and what's more, thrive in it. Who wouldn't want as much wisdom as possible?

Yesterday I kind of randomly picked up the diary of this guy who history says was the wisest man to ever exist. He lived his whole life to find out what was the purpose of existence (not an easy project), to see how the world worked and why. And amazingly, if he weren't marked as a good king of Israel, I would of called him a nihilist. "Meaningless! Meaningless!...Everything is meaningless!" Solomon looked at the world around him, saw the injustice and the futility of lives extinguished too soon, and could come to no better conclusion. In his eyes, death is the end. We can't take anything with us, even our "wisdom", so what's the point of self-indulgence or sacrifice? Or of taking tests, for that matter?

I like how he can't seem to keep falling down this slippery slope though. He keeps running into the roadblock that God is in charge. "A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without Him, who can eat or find enjoyment?" (Eccl. 2:24-25) The more I learn about the world outside the "bubble" (not just Grove City, but also the Christian heritage I've grown up in all my life), the more I learn how true this is. Mankind has no hope, he's broken and if he is all there is in this world there is no promise that we're going to get any better. The happiest unbeliever is living a lie, but they may not even know it because we are all trained to ignore the hopelessness of life. The most miserable Christian is living a lie too, because he/she has forgotten that hope within them that where they are isn't where they are going to be.

So this, then, is my conclusion to the matter. True wisdom comes from seeing the world as it is: sinful, broken, and hopeless. But it also comes from seeing how God Himself gives us the hope we need to thrive here. If He exists, and the whole Gospel is true, one day our world is not going to be like this anymore. We humans will be whole again, in our right minds and our proper place in Creation. We finally will overcome death, the very thing that makes our existence meaningless. We will have a purpose we can't forget. That's why we can go out and comfort those who mourn. That's why we don't have to be afraid of the worst stuff life can throw at us. That's why we can have joy. And that's why it is so important for those of us who know to reach out to those who don't. Christian, go live and share your hope.

Going Gumby ~ September 16, 2002

2002-09-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

America as a nation has had a rough year. We've suffered under terrorist attack, gone to war for the first time in 10 years and attempted to unify ourselves and re-establish our national pride and confidence. But for all of that, it seems like our success has fallen drastically short of our ideals. When it comes right down to it, we haven't become any stronger morally, any wiser in our actions, or any more convinced of the sovereignty of God. We haven't become more courageous, or convicted, or compassionate. For the first time in our nation's history, we have been confronted with blatant hatred for us as a people, and we have lost all capability to respond.

To what do we owe this complacency, this apathetic response to disaster? I think there a lot of reasons, but I'll only mention a few. The first is what we commonly call "pluralism". Pluralism is not, as some believe, the existence of many different views side-by-side. If that were all it meant, we'd be fine. Rather pluralism is based on relativism, and morphs that idea into "what's good for you may not be fine for me, but everything is all the same in the end". Anyone who takes a stand for something is seen as a leftover from our un-enlightened forebears, and worse, their convictions are construed as a major reason why we have conflict and misery in the world society today. Thus, we as Americans have lost our backbone: we prefer not to risk our necks but would rather play it safe. And so instead of being a nation where a person has the freedom to live according to his beliefs, we get a society uncertain and insecure, unable to relate to the world around us whether secularly or religiously.

Nowhere is this attitude more dangerous than in religion. We Christians hear it all the time from the pulpit, a constant lament that people just don't stand up for what they believe anymore. We see the effects of our lack of courage as a church every day, as the world around us falls into more and more moral decay. Suddenly we feel helpless in the face of it all and instead of turning to God to restore that courage within us, we quit trying to relate, to care, to communicate. Then we quickly lose all of our tools for sharing the Gospel with other people. Take Islam, for example. Muslims in general are appalled by the apathy of the Christian church. Islam is a religion where practicing what you preach and revering the written law is the most important thing in one's life. A lot of Muslims out there can't understand why we say what we do and then don't live by it. How are we going to reach them, how are we going to find common ground when the best message we can come up with is "it's all the same anyways"? Islam has its martyrs too. They know what it means to stand for what they believe. It's to our shame that a false religion has a better claim to courage than the Truth. And it's not as if there are no open doors with Muslim people. The Koran itself says that if any would know more about Jesus and wisdom, to ask the followers of "the Way". But they won't ask people they don't respect.

In the end, we all have a choice. How am I going to respond to 9/11? Am I going to stand for the one thing that can overcome hatred of such proportions that a man would die to kill thousands? Am I going to regain and guard my courage to minister to a dying world? Am I going to follow Paul's example and become all things for all men so that I might save a few? The work is mind-boggling, but the rewards are great. Like the vision of Christian in Interpreter's house, he who does not take the castle by force cannot be welcomed therein.

How To Hold A Party in a Box ~ September 15, 2002

2002-09-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

I'm discovering something I don't really like...I'm not as good of a leader as I thought I was. I have a horrible knack for ignoring/not seeing the needs of others around me unless they come up and smack me in the face with them. I don't really have a clue about what I'm doing, when I'm honest about it, and in the end I get up on my soapbox a little too often to do anyone any good. The long and short of it is that I've got a pride problem, and man does it suck! This whole month so far has been a lesson in how short of true Christian leadership I fall.

So what am I going to do with this revelation? Like the rest of humanity, being reminded of my own frailties is one of my least favorite activities of God. Boy would it be nice if I could throw myself a pity party and get away with it! Think about it...instead of losing face by admitting that yeah I'm not perfect, it wouldn't be my fault anymore. Really, its the people who wanted me to do this, they should of been spiritually enlightened enough to see my gifts don't match up. Or maybe its just that I'm misunderstood. Obviously I'm too spiritual for the people around me to handle, right? If I whine enough, someone will finally clue in that hey this is a hard job! and I'm to be commended for even trying. (Wow, this is sounding better all the time! Where'd I put that confetti...)

Unfortunately as soon as I start to boogie down to the "Martyr Blues", God decides to crash my little hoopla with disturbing regularity. Now I KNOW I did not invite the Big Guy to join me, for one thing He doesn't fit into my cardboard-box-sized-mentality and do you know how hard boxes are to fix once they get busted? Then He brings that stupid mirror with Him, you know, the one described in James 1:22-25 that shows us what we are really like. I seriously do NOT like looking at that thing, it is rather demoralizing. And honestly, when I see who I really am, what hope have I got that I will ever get this leader thing right? I can't even do my homework on time.

But I'm also learning that the God who wants us to see the way we really are is the same God who promises that "...neither height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:39) God knows I'm a wreck, I'm the only one who's surprised by the idea. No matter how much more ugliness I discover about myself it doesn't change the fact that He loves me more than anything, and He believes in my worth as a human being. If I'm in the position to be a leader in something, its because He put me there, and He's not frustrated by my failures. My grandpa has a saying stuck to his computer at home, "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called." If that's the case, what's to be scared of? It may hurt to see myself the way I really am, but the more I see God's love for me the more I become the kind of person I want to be.

"What Fools These Mortals Be..." ~ September 8, 2002

2002-09-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm having a problem with presuppositions. More to the point, MY presuppositions, you know, those ideas I take for granted on how the world works. This Sunday in church I discovered that there are things that the Bible credits God with authority over that I just take as the normal course of nature. To see what I mean, read over Hannah's prayer in I Samuel. "The LORD brings death and makes alive..." Being a science major, I'm quick to say that life is the natural result of a sperm and an egg meeting and doing what they were designed to do. Death is just when the body finally runs out of gas, so to speak. "The LORD sends wealth and poverty..." Well now that is just a part of a free market economy, or any economy. Things like this would just happen that way whether God did anything or not, right? After all, doesn't He just interfere with the way His world works when He wants to get something out of the ordinary done? Other than that, He could leave it alone to operate on His principles and it would be just, well, normal.

WRONG!!! That view is not at all what the Bible takes of God and His world. According to Hannah, God does it all, and is the primary reason why I can even say that such and such is just a "natural" event. If God was not behind the scenes holding His creation together in the order with which He made it in, I would not be able to depend on gravity to always work the way it does, or the sun to burn at the rate it does, or the economy to function in a manner that I can count on getting paid for work I do. Sometimes we lose sight that just because we know so much more about HOW the world works around us, that doesn't mean we know WHY. Created things are not self-existent, endued with power to work independently of the energy of their Maker. It's like your cd player. It only works when it’s plugged in to a power source.

But I'm not used to thinking like this at all. Why don't I pray more fervently for people to be healed? Because I just assume that given rest, time, and medical treatment, they are just going to get better on their own. Why am I not more caring when a friend has a baby or someone loses a job? Because I forget that God is behind every spark of existence and every possible way in which it works out that life. Why do I think that prayer is ineffectual, that it won't really change anything? Well, that's me assuming that life as I know it is just going to go on the way it has whether I do anything or not. Like the Poet said, "What fools these mortals be..."